What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Does this decanter make me look fat?
If restaurant table condiments could talk, what tales they would tell. Secrets of illicit lovers, confessions of criminals on the lam, and horror stories of pranksters who leave the salt lid unscrewed for the next diner. This week’s episode features a 100 word rant by someone who’s a little self-centered. You might even say she’s ‘sweet’ on herself.
Thanks to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for a great photo full of endless possibilities.
To read more stories, go to her blog, http://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/ and find links to other authors under the comments section.
Does this decanter make me look fat?
Back in the old days it was just me, S & P, and maybe a bottle of Heinz. The kind that was so thick it couldn’t be pounded out with a jackhammer—and remember the song, “Anticipation?” I laughed my pour hole off.
Then people got weight conscious and some smarty-pants scientists invented artificial sweeteners. Now they park their little pink, yellow, and blue packets right on the table next to us. It’s insulting.
Try calling your lover Nutra-sweetie, or say their kisses are Splendalicious—see how far that gets you!
I’m from Hawaii and 100% natural. Kiss me, Sugar.
29 Comments on “Does this decanter make me look fat?”
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What's So Funny? 
Remember the ketchup race? What a hoot, Russell. Personally I don’t have anything to do with either sweeteners or sugar, but I’ve been told I’m not normal.
You can find the link to the linkz tool here: http://rochellewisofffields.wordpress/friday-fictioneers-2/ I thought it would be less confusing if I had the link on one page and my story on another.
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oops…I always forget something. Try this http://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/friday-fictioneers-2/
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Loved it, sweetie!
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Lol at “laughed my pour hole off.” That was my favorite line. 🙂
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My one weekly laugh! Well done. I’m sick of the health police shoving chemicals at me. I’ll stick with the sugar in moderation. 🙂
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Hi Russel,
A sweet story. Don’t think I can beet it. I just cane’t. Ron
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G-R-O-A-N… 🙄
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Sorry to barge in, but Ted how did you get an animated emoticon??
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you are funny girl… check your about page…
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Thanks! 🙂
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i laughed out after reading…very sweet 🙂
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Good one, Russell! The ‘pour hole’ line is going to be a classic…
here’s mine…http://tedstrutz.com/2012/10/25/displaced/#comment-1141
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Loved the ‘pour hole’. You never disappoint Russell – good one.
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SWEET! But don’t get me wrong.
I’ve absolutely no interest in your pour hole …
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Very original and funny. I’d side with the sugar too!
Mine is here this week http://anneorchardwriter.wordpress.com/2012/10/25/friday-fictioneers-after-the-wedding/
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Dear Russell,
You are 100% No Ka Oi! Another winner from you. (And here I thought to compete with you this week. Dang. Back to the drama board.)
Aloha Sugar,
Doug
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Just perfect. You’re one of the first stories I read while ketching-up after my trip and I love having a laugh to start my day. Thanks!!
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Maybe “Yours was one of the first stories” might read better. To quote from the Monkees, I need to “wipe the sleep out of my eyes.”
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I am traveling in a bus as I read this. And right now I am staring at my laptop and laughing. Wonder what people around are thinking of me!
Needless to say, awesome work! 🙂
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That was fun…. wait while I aspertame who’s at the door.
Really liked this.
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Great story, Russell, and a fantastic voice for the sugar. I can totally ‘see’ her and the building resentment towards those little comedy packets. I bet she’d have something to say about the kids who pour Salt into the sugar shaker as well…
“laughed my pour hole off” – BRILLIANT!
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Very sweet indeed. Brought smiles and laughter to me 😀
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The Sweet in Sweet n’Low is a LIE! Loved this, plus it was fun going back to the old ketchup commercials.
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This is a cute response to the photo prompt.
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So funny Russell. I too loved the ‘laughed my pour hole’ phrase – it made me smile.
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Oh, Russell….You are such a corker. I will never look at another packet of sweetener again without thinking of you. Thanks for another few chuckles.
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That is SO cute. Love the minds of writers.
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What a brilliant and alternative take on the photo prompt – and yet it was so obvious too given the picture. I loved the way you turned it all upside down at the end and yes, it really does make you think – you can’t call someone nutrasweet but we do call them sugar. Well done 🙂
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Sorry, but I think “Splendalicious” is an A-One descriptive word–thanks for providing a sweet new addition to my vocabulary.
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