What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Shamash; the Final Candle
Very few people know (except Rochelle, of course) that six hours before Ian Fleming finished the first draft of Casino Royale (released in 1953), a little known Ozark novelist, Hershel “Jim Bob” Frugalstein, submitted an original spy-thriller manuscript to New York publisher Shyster & Ponzi. Editors and agents agreed the book was destined for the best seller list, and quite probably book of the year.
Unfortunately, negotiations broke down over movie rights to the story. Jim Bob insisted on playing the lead role and personally hand-picking the female cast members. The Publisher and Hollywood both rejected the notion, citing the fact that Frugalstein’s only experience as an actor was a non-speaking role as “Jim” in a third grade production of Huckleberry Finn.
Today’s Friday Fiction installment is a 100 synopsis of the original novel. Remember, this is a work of fiction and any character resemblance to modern-day Fictioneers is purely a figment of your imagination.
This week’s photo is courtesy of our bus driver, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. To read more stories, visit her blog, http://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/ and click on the little blue InLinz critter to find links to other less ridiculous offerings.
Shamash; the Final Candle
By Hershel “Jim Bob” Frugalstein
Israeli intelligence discovers B.O.W.D.* mastermind, Randal Gnomes, plot to destroy the world’s supply of candle wax, darkening menorahs and crushing Jewish morale during the Festival of Lights.
The Prime Minister dispatches the country’s top spy, Percy (formerly cute) Cube—code name 005, to intercept Gnomes and castrate his evil plan.
Percy is captured breaking into Gnomes lair by the cunning and voluptuous Rowena Vermouth. Vermouth finds her emotions both shaken and stirred by her animal attraction to Percy.
As the countdown to Hanukkah begins, Gnomes dangles Percy above a cauldron of hot wax. Rowena must decide which wick to dip.
*(Bent on World Destruction)
19 Comments on “Shamash; the Final Candle”
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What's So Funny? 
Haha, I like the martini reference to Vermouth. Do you mean Percy is ‘captured’ or is he ‘capturing’ the breakin on camera? What a choice she has to make!
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Yes, captured is the correct verb. Thanks for catching that. I’ll get it fixed.
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Love the names, especially the publishers Shyster and Ponzi, cousins to the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe. That wick-dipping though can be dangerous. 🙂 Well done. I’m both shaken and stirred by your humor.
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Hi Russell,
I can see how there’s a dip involved, but I think it may be Hershel. Ron
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Hmm. Interesting story. Sounds like Percy and Rowena have issues.
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NIce! Your story made me smile. Lots of innuendo in there.
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always love a good parody.
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Thanks for the ongoing chuckles, Russell. What is in that brain of yours that allows you to come up with such witty and brilliant takes every week? You must have eaten your “Wheaties” as a kid.
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Yet another original take… is there no end to your creativity? Good one.
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What a decision for Rowena…
I think you might need an apostrophe after Randal Gnomes in the first line to signify the possessive.
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That Percy guy sounds like a douche bag to me. If I were Rowena, I’d drop him in the wax and concentrate on Gnomes’ wick, which doesn’t so sound appealing but is probably far preferable to Percy’s.
Castrate? Yikes! That sounds a bit too much like what messed up Percy in the first place.
Russell, nice job summarizing the entire Jewish ethos in 100 words or less …
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Are you sure you didn’t mean “circumsize”? Loved the story on the whole, Russell. The title is great! I can’t wait to see this on the big screen.
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The Prime Minister wanted Percy to make a eunuch of Gnomes and use him for a yard ornament.
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Ah. Sounds fair to me. Just making sure. Tradition…tradition…lai lai lai lai.
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A hard choice there to make…Your story is both studded with history and creativity. Well done.
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This is puntastic.. Love the wordplay and the references. Reminds me of #xass on twitter. You should join a Sunday. And the wicked wicks is a top notch.
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Thanks, Bjorn. I’m headed your way now.
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this was a treat!
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Dear Russell,
I found this while wandering through the heartland of Google looking for the ozark Writer’s League, which I found out, much to my dismay, was not a bowling league. Saw your name on their membership list as Professor Demeritus Notwithstanding and decided to follow the bread crumbs to your blog which I follow in Hawaii but not over here in wherever I am now.
You put together another great story this week and answered the eternal question of where all the candles went after my sister reached puberty.
See you around the hallways.
Yours,
Slumming it,
Doug
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