What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Chiggerfest 2013
Please excuse the long-winded diatribe at the start of this post. If you prefer to skip this part (which has nothing at all to do with the story) feel free to scroll down and cut to the chase. My feeling will be injured, but I should recover in six to eight weeks with only minor psychological scars.
For those of you who follow the Lottery, as of this morning the current jackpot is the 7th highest of all-time and I expect it will climb further up the charts before the drawing this weekend. My wife’s theory is that you have to purchase your ticket in another state if you want to win. She backs this up by citing the number of past winners who bought their ticket while traveling on vacation.
She may be onto something. Last week when Jason and I were in Charlotte, SC, he purchased a $10 scratch off and won $30. He kept reinvesting a portion of his winnings and after three cards was $90 ahead. I guarantee you if we’d been in our home state of Arkansas he could have spent $90 and been lucky to have won $10.
Don’t waste your time or money on a lottery ticket this weekend. Connie and I are traveling to Carthage, Missouri Saturday morning for Aunt Verda’s 90th birthday party. At some point on this trip she plans to purchase the winning ticket and thrust us into the misery of becoming multi-millionaires. Having money will be quite an adjustment, but she thinks that over time we can learn to live with it.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the bookie taking bets on who gets the most chigger bites at the event described below is Carla “Whacha-Talkin’-Bout” Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. Find links to other author’s stories by clicking here.
Chiggerfest 2013
Friday and Saturday May 17 & 18
Entertainment provided by:
Fleas to Please
The Kentucky Bloodsuckers
Chiggermamia
Dog Tick Revival
&
Itchy Scratchy and the Blow Flies
(Debuting their new album “Immune to DEET”)
An all-you-can-eat buffet will be provided by two pale-skinned teenagers making passionate love in the tall grass behind the wrought iron fence.
Tickets available at Chiggerfest.com or at the gate. Bring your friends and come hungry.
The weather is here ~ wish you were beautiful.
37 Comments on “Chiggerfest 2013”
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What's So Funny? 
good luck on your lottery tickets, if you win – I think we are related.
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I don’t know, Bill. There are not a lot of branches on my family tree 🙂
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You win – this has to be the flat out silliest story of the week! Now excuuuse me, I have to go sulk about how I can’t win the lottery because you’ve already got your plan ready.
P.S. I assume one of the teenagers is a brown-eyed girl??
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Yes, silly is as silly does. The good news for you is they will start another pot after we win this one, and now that you know the secret, you can visit a nearby state and win the next one.
No, the girl has green eyes and lots of freckles, which will make pickin’ ticks even harder.
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Oh, okay – you did say they were behind the wrought iron fence, not behind the stadium.
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I’ll share…the lottery.
Love the ‘Event’ –
In our state, though I do not belive they bite, this year is the return of the seventeen year Cicadia.
While I might have camped as a kid, the closest I come to ‘roughing it’ is a motel with a black and white TV – though I think most of those sets are gone by now. Dino’s in the land fill every one… when will they ever learn…OOPs wrong era.
Cheers.
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Dear Chigger Picker,
Funny stuff. Weather is here..wish you were beautiful!…Fuuuunnnnneeeeeeee
One of your best.
Good luck on that lottery,
Shalom,
Cousin Carla 😉
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Ahhh, how lovely to come here and go away laughing, you little (blood) sucker. I think the winning-the-lottery-while-traveling is a brilliant ploy on your wife’s part. Wish I’d thought of it.
janet
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Yep! Funny wins it!
Scott
Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/05/15/friday-fictioneers-5172013-genre-horror-humorous-pg13/
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LOL Russell!! May 17th and18th eh? Well if I start right now and drive as fast as I can I just might make it. Although stopping to buy lotto tickets in every state is going to slow me down a bit — tell one of the teenagers save me save me some buffet but wait til one of them comes out or it could get awkward! I really enjoyed your take!
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The teenagers are the main course. They’re covered with itchy, red bites by now.
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Russell, Russell, Russell, how do you think up these tales? The weather is here ~ wish you were beautiful That is the best line I’ve heard in a long time. I kept your email till the very last. I knew it would be good – a great way to finish my time on the ‘puter for the night.
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Glad you got a laugh. When I first saw the photo, I was at a total loss as to what to write, so I sent up a short prayer asking for divine inspiration. Thirty seconds later, He gave me this idea. Who says God doesn’t answer prayers?
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After all the alien invasions and other scary stuff, this was a hoot! Great job.
Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/sex-drugs-and-rock-and-roll/
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Clearly, you were itching to write this tale, Russell. I like Connie’s theory about playing the lottery. Milton the Cynical is certain that all the local ones here in NYC are rigged. Did you hear about the guy who found a $4.85 million lottery ticket in his cookie jar as he was cleaning out his house because the bank had foreclosed on it? What a lucky doofus.
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Well, I certainly fit the doofus role, now if I can just be lucky . . . .
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“Did anyone lose a rubber band with a roll of thousand dollar bills in it? Well, I found the rubber band!”
I also found this Wood-tickstock fest a royal HOOT!!!! You’re one of my go-to peeps, Russell. You delivered the goods VERY well. Hysterical! Now … where’s my half of the ticket?
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I’m holding it, waiting for you to cough up 50 cents.
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Hahahahaha!
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Back in the day..as they say. I went to a yearly party at a friends house. It started early on Saturday and ended early on Sunday. Most of us would bring our tents and proceed to get hammered. The last time I went we woke up hungover and ate up by chiggers that Sunday morning. They continued to have that party for many more years and it came to be known as Chiggerfest. It never held the same appeal for me.
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You should write a story about that. I’d love to hear all the sordid details.
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Hell no! (pardon my exclamation).
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Ha! 🙂
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I have no chance, huh? Well, I guess it’s a good thing I gave up buying tickets a long time ago. I knew someone who one once – the big jackpot. All kinds of relatives came forward.
Great day for a silly story. This is how I started my weekend. Thank you.
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Yes high grass and bramble can have that effect on you.. I simply don’t know how you came up with this… It ticks me that I couldn’t .. this is unique.
And hope you will still play FF after becoming a multibillionaire (or will you hire ghostwriters)
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Had to google ‘chigger’ – they don’t have those over here. Fun (if itchy) take on the prompt, I love it when people do things differently.
Best of luck to your wife with her lottery dreams 🙂
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First of all in addition to the weather being here, your wish is granted: I am beautiful! But I doubt I’ll be coming to Chiggerfest. You see, I would have gladly been one of the two pale-skinned teenagers making passionate love in the tall grass behind the wrought iron fence, but I am not pale-skinned. Sorry!
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One thing you can say for chiggers, they do not discriminate. They are an equal opportunity biters. Also, I’ve taken a poll and you beauty seems to be in question.
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You have foolishly included people who have seen me!
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You did it again, Russell. Pure genius.
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Love this – so inventive.
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Russell, you are so cracking me up! Where can I get tickets? Speaking of, I hope you win that lottery someday. Hope you had a nice weekend at the party.
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The weather was nice, but I failed miserably at being beautiful.
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The funniest one yet, by far! I was seeking funny, and there it was, just like that big old chigger I saw crawling up and burrowing into your leg! HEhehehheeeee (evil giggles).
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I’m glad you found funny. We’re rated in the top 10,000 in customer satisfaction.
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itch – scratch – itch…Oh, stop it, you’ll make me pee.
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itch, itch, scratch, scratch….make that 10,001 customers…
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