What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Methuselah Comes to America
It’s not everyday someone you know has a four-digit birthday. In fact, most people would consider crossing the century mark quite an accomplishment in longevity. But like Methuselah says, “After three or four thousand years, who’s counting?”
At his age, finding health insurance is almost as challenging as finding a date. Although, for enough money, he can purchase limited coverage. The female companionship however, remains in question.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, your Entertainment Director on this Cruise of Creativity is Julie “Twinkle-toes” Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF “Collection of Authors” click here.
In the days before color (known as BC), Methuselah decided to emigrate to America. He’d spent twelve lifetimes herding goats in The Holy Land, and was looking for a nice place to retire.
His cousin, Hershel, sent him a brochure advertising an Eden in the new world called Florida. Allegedly, there was a Fountain of Youth hidden somewhere in this paradise of white, sandy beaches covered with beautiful bouncing babes. Methuselah threw on his kippah and boarded the first ship headed west.
Unfortunately, he made a wrong turn at Philadelphia and ended up in Havertown, PA. The rest, as they say, is history.
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Today’s post (my 118th if anyone’s counting) is a birthday tribute to one of the funniest bloggers in America, my good buddy, Perry Block.
BTW, Perry – Scarlett Johansson said to tell you “Hi”
44 Comments on “Methuselah Comes to America”
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What's So Funny? 
Hi Russell,
I think you’ve been spending too much time reading the Bible. BE CAREFUL. That will really warp you. Of course, you’re already pretty warped, so maybe it doesn’t matter. Never mind. Ron
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Believe me, Ron, if you think this is from the Bible, you haven’t been reading it enough!! 🙂
janet
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Thank you, Janet. Maybe he’s been reading the new abridged Mel Brooks version.
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🙂
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It will be a cold day in Hell when Scarlett Johansson tells either of you two duffers “Hello”! Me, that’s another story.
Nice story, btw… Great, now I have to look up Haverstown, Pa.!
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Dear Ted,
I know for a fact that you’re right about Scarlett because she hasn’t been near a computer since she came to live with me last week.
Aloha,
Doug
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You guys may be old farts, but at least you’re still dreamers. I’ll give you that.
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Hahah! That Methuselah. Reading stories about Methuselah makes me feel really enthused! (I just noticed that the words Meth Use are in his name. Now that’s almost as much as an oxymoron as Dick Van Dyke!)
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Dick Van Dyke may be an oxymoronic masterpiece, but for a double phallic phenomenon, I don’t think anything beats Peter O’Toole. Or does something?
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hahah! That never even occurred to me before! LOL!
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i’m pretty sure immigrate should be emigrate. immigration is people coming into a country, and emigrate is people leaving. not 100% but pretty sure. love the BC part. consider changing “supposedly” to “allegedly,” sounds more official, as if the law may be involved. well done in a “spoof” kind of way.
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Well, he definitely left the old country. Exiled might have been more accurate. 🙂
I like allegedly too, it’s a much stronger word. Thanks for your input.
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guess if you are old as Methuselah you should allow for a few wrong turns
fun tribute for Perry
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A few wrong turns always brings you back to the starting place for me. It was Cain who taught me that. Or was it Abel? I get ’em mixed up!
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Are you at all concerned that Methuselah would be offended at the comparison to PB? Hmmm? Oh, BTW, happy birthday, Perry 🙂
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Yes, Jan, I’m being sued by Methuselah. Why? He’s been famous all throughout history, I can’t get a call back from Russell Gayer. Talk about character assassination!
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I loved it! It reminds me of why people came, and still do, to this nation!
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“Mister Methuselah, what is the greatest achievement of man?”
“Saran Wrap!”
“What about the atomic bomb or the mission to the moon?”
“Umm … yeah. That was good.”
“A” plus!
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This story is right up my alley, Russell. Creative, humorous, and historical in a fractured fairy tale sort of way. Absolutely terrific!!
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liked your intro – that’s the thing about getting older – without medical care one can’t keep a female companion happy 🙂
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Sure you can, just hand her your credit card.
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Terrific line! Wish I’d have said that, but then again I’ve already forgotten it …
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Probably a good thing Methuselah ended up in Havertown rather than Florida–after twelve lifetimes of herding goats, I’d imagine the smell is pretty much permanent. Definitely not a beach babe magnet–
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Wow, Perry looks good for his age. Maybe the fountain of youth is in Pennsylvania?
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Sure I look good for my age: I’ve been under the knife so often the late Michael Jackson called me a “weirdo!”
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Ha!
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Maybe it would have behooved Methuselah to ask directions.
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Dear Hershel,
Were they talking goats? What chapter of the Mel Brooks is this from. I can’t find it. I’m thinking it’s from the first book of Opinions. Nice tribute to our own cutie pie, Methuselah.
Shalom,
Julie
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That should be “Mel Brooks BIBLE”. I have trouble doing two things at once, such as typing and thinking.
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Dear Russell,
You’re charitable to call Perry Methuselah and a great friend to write such a glowing tribute. Good job. Scarlett says to say hello.
Aloha,
Doug
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Yes, Doug, Russell IS charitable to call me Methuselah. He could have called me “Little Bro,” “Squirt, or “Gilligan.”
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I’m shaped more like the Skipper, but you can call me Thurston Howell III.
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He got so close and yet so far away. Of course, he has time to make it down there eventually. He could date an centenarian although it might feel like robbing the cradle for him.
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This must be the new math where 63 = 1,000. Clever tale and a (mostly) kind homage to a nice guy.
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One thing you can say about getting old–it’s better than the alternative.
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My favorite piece ever! Thank you, Russell!
I especially liked the part where we first meet when I — as a young high school student in the 1960’s — comes to the old,old,old,old,old,old age home in Havertown PA to cheer up residents Methuselah and his two good friends, Joan Rivers and Cher. You were so funny that day in your attempts to drool saliva …I thought for a moment you might even nail it! I also enjoyed your stories about how you accidentally landed in Havertown PA and not Philly while I was busily cleaning your butt and diapering you.
So odd that you’re the one who wound up with Scarlett Johansson! According to her, you don’t even need a credit card to keep her happy! Guess the stereotype about old Jewish men not being sexy does not apply to old Jewish men who have the names “Methuselah and Eve” carved into a tree somewhere.
Thanks for the nice tribute, Russell! I’ll get you back one of these days.
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I’m sure you will, Perry. I’m sure you will . . .
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I wish Scarlett would tell me “hi”.
Scott
Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/09/12/friday-fictioneers-sailing-away-horror-pg13/
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Thanks for the laughs . Perry sure does look good for his age!
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Julie “Twinkle-toes,” huh? Is that like Tinkerbell?! You always entertain and make laugh. I, too, would like to see this Fountain of Youth.
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Hah! This definitely got some giggles out of me — particular the bit about ‘B.C.’! Entirely too fun. 🙂
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Hilarious use of biblical references – and BC is only one of them. Ah, Florida…Is this how Perry wound up in Pennsylvania?
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a wonderful tribute, really sweet. but i think i loved reading the comment thread more haha! damn, perry looks good for his actual age, need to know his secret. hilarious. 🙂
i loved the BC line, worked well with the photo
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This is a story of biblical proportions.
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