What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
I Fall to Pieces
Last Friday night I had the great pleasure of being in the company of seven (count ‘em – 7) fellow Fictioneers. To my knowledge, eight is largest congregation of Fictioneers ever assembled in the same venue at one time. I kept looking out the window, expecting national media coverage, or at least to see the folks from Publisher’s Clearing House pull up in front of Ye Olde English Inn and offer a 3-book deal to each of us along with a $500K advance.
Then one of the “real authors” at the banquet busted my bubble by telling me that Publisher’s Clearing House wasn’t a book publishing house at all, just an outfit that entices people to buying magazines in hopes of winning a million dollar sweepstakes. Boy, if that ain’t like having a bucket of frozen fish guts dumped down your underwear.
All in all it was a very good party. Connie only had to call me down twice, so I guess my loud and obnoxious behavior didn’t embarrass her any more than usual. ~ That gal is an angel.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our Big Chief teller of tall tales is Paula “Don’t step on my Bunions” Wisoff-Fields (along with her sidekick, Kent, the Blond Ox). If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
They told me it would never last.
My friends, family, even my employer—they all tried to dissuade me.
“She’s got issues,” they said. “Been through too many break-ups.”
But I wouldn’t listen. We were young and in love. Nothing else mattered.
I had a good job at Macy’s and she worked in the automotive industry.
She told me her job was stressful, dangerous, and her employer often abusive. When I heard about the accident, I fell apart—literally.
I can still see that cute little circle on her forehead.
They were right. Never fall in love with a crash test dummy
43 Comments on “I Fall to Pieces”
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What's So Funny? 
Oh Russell, you’ve done it again! It’s 4:00am here and I’m trying not to LOL and wake the rest of the house.
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Wow, thanks for reading me at 4 am. Most folks read me when they are wanting to be lulled to sleep.
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Hi Russ,
Oh, the lure of the exciting bad girl. Great, funny punch line. Your title came to me too, and I thought about building a story around it, but couldn’t come up with anything. I may be picking up on your brainwaves. Or we just may have similar country music pasts. Glad you had a good time at the OWL gathering. Ron
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Picking up my brainwaves might not be good for your mental health. When I saw the picture, I immediately heard Patsy Cline singing “I Fall to Pieces.” You should consider joining OWL, Ron. It’s only a short drive to Branson and you’d really enjoy the group.
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What a clever idea to write about the love affair between two dummies, Russell. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. Great story.
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Love the story, but are you telling me you didn’t get three-book contract?? I thought for sure they said we all did. Drat!
janet
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All I got was an offer to be published on bathroom walls–and they kept asking for your phone number.
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And I, go to pieces and I wanna hide
Go to pieces and I almost die
Every time my baby crashes by
(Peter and Georgia)
🙂 A flash from the past. Although she’s the one who really went to pieces.
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Let’s face it, you guys are both wack jobs with similar off the wall senses of humour. And Russell! This was hilarious as usual and I am all alone here in Athens, so I could laugh out loud! Once upon a time, actually, now and then, I am a singer in a Country and Western band and do a wacky version of I Fall to Pieces. But Patsy’s was definitely the best.
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I would love to hear your version. I’ve played in bands and sang for years, but never tackled that song. Jim Reeves did a nice version too.
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Hahahaha! You came through all right, all right, Russell! We (Queen R. and I) knew you could. Great getting to see you in Branson. You should have brought the crash test dummy — she would have been a more exciting date.
The video is done, by the way.
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I think I’m more the “blonde Oz” and not Ox. But, hey! Any port in a storm, you know?
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Pay no attention to the little man behind the curtain. The video will be finished once he realizes that Janet lives in Naperville IL and not Ohio. (Closer to Ozzie Nelson than the Wizard)
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As in “Lord and Ozzie Nelson?”
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Actually, Connie is a very exciting date. Anyone that can put up with me for nearly forty years must have a strong constitution.
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Dear Crash,
Some relationships just weren’t meant to be. It was great seeing you. Sorry you didn’t get that three book contract. I did. ;)…(and then I woke up).
Shalom,
Paula
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I think Madison Woods and Jan Morrill got the advance money and book deals. All I got was a subscription to Mad magazine.
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I’m surprised you aren’t on the cover of Mad Magazine.
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Let me get my clown nose back on.
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Good one!
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Great closing to this story! (BTW, does your wife ever feel like she should have heeded that advice? Hmmmm?)
As usual, you made me LOL. Despite yourself, I think you might be good for the soul 🙂
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Russell, I’m beside myself! Another classic from you – almost Pygmalion 😉
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When I saw your title, I immediately heard Patsy Cline singing “I Fall to Pieces.” This latest literary cocktail you’ve stirred up works for me: one part sap, two parts lunacy. Whenever I think of Publisher’s Clearinghouse, I imagine a cavernous warehouse filled with tons of crummy magazines that no one in their right mind would want, but the fantasy of winning this sweepstakes compels members of the unwashed masses to subscribe to Agnes Toads’ Beauty Tips, National Lint Collector and Colon Prep Digest among countless others destined to dress the bottom of the canary’s cage.
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I love those titles, Lame. I spoke with Santa about enrolling you in the Toe Jam of the month club. Your first jar should arrive in the next couple of weeks.
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It sounds like the perfect spread for burnt toast and imagine the aroma! Or don’t.
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don’t tell Milton what it is and see if he can guess after the 1st bite.
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🙂 Never fall for a girl who likes to live dangerously… Nice one.
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hahaha weirdest. relationship. ever. loved this, cute and funny. 🙂
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The worlds of fashion and petrol-heads collide! Great ending, although not for her.
(I also heard the song after reading the title, the Mike Nesmith version though)
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This one had me in pieces! Good one!
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Crash test “mannequins” make reasonably good companions as long as you don’t hitch a ride with them. Fun story.
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Very good! I loved this original take on the prompt.
Fancy a crash test dummy being involved in an accident 🙂
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I wasn’t expecting that ending! Funny stuff, as always. But what really had me thinking was in the prelude… I love the imagery of a bucket full of frozen fish guts dumped down your underwear. Yuck!
And I need to get those business cards ordered from you. I’ll be in touch soon!
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Thanks for stopping by, Lori. You should join us in the 100 word challenge. I think you’d enjoy it.
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I’ve played around with a few. Not sure I’m talented enough to write that short! LOL! It is a challenge for sure, but thank you for the invite. I may have to get serious about it.
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Russell, you so had me going with this. I fall for it every time, you’re so cunning. I hope the lad learned his lesson. This can’t be a long lasting relationship. That’s great you got to hang out with the Fictioneers. It sounds like a great time was had by all!
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Never thought I’d make it over to you this week with so many Fictioneers and so much other stuff going on, but here I am. So, you were in love with a dummy? I guess some women I’ve dated would say the same thing. So, you made love to a dummy? I can certainly say that I have also …. uh, wait,not going there! Fun story with a super twist at the end and I know you’re being modest about Publishers’ Clearing House. I happen to know that about five years ago you got a letter that said “you COULD be a winner!” How close you came!
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In the words of Maxwell Smart, “I was THAT close!”
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This is so clever and fun… and what a sad affair between a manequin and a crash test dummy… very good indeed.
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Is there no end to your ingenuity??????? HILARIOUS!!!
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You crack me up–into many pieces! I didn’t see the crash-test dummy coming.
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Amazing, that brain of yours! lol
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Dear Russell,
Just brilliant, like you.
Aloha,
Doug
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