What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Stain-Glass Flipper
This week I’m writing from Westwood Villiage near the UCLA campus. Before we return home, I plan to do some serious research on the effect of Arkansans (Arkansawers to those of you in the know) on the native population. One thing we discovered right off the bat was no one here knows where anything is located. Ask them for directions and they get this blank look on their face like you asked them to explain quantum physics to a sock monkey (any resemblance between me and a sock monkey is purely coincidental).
Another interesting fact we discovered is that their squirrels are overly sensitive. Having some free time this morning, we decided to tour the Mildred E. Mathias Botanical Garden. There were signs all over the garden warning us not to TEASE the squirrels. Evidently, the tree rodents here wear their feelings on their fur and get all bent out of shape if you make comments like, “Your mother mates with armadillos, or, Why did the chicken cross the road? (answer) To show the squirrel it could be done.” I think a psychiatrist could do quite well here just catering to LA squirrels with self-esteem issues.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Headmistress of our College of Creativity is Madam Agatha Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness visit her site for complete instructions. To read 100 word stories by other authors click here.
Art began developing his reputation as a trouble-maker early on. In pre-school he would cut class to hang out with sharks, killer whales, and jelly fish.
When a YouTube video of him ripping a two-piece swim suit off an eighty-year-old woman went viral, Poseidon had had enough. He assigned the famous marine psychologist, The Incredible Mr. Limpet, to rehabilitate the rogue dolphin. Electric eel shock therapy failed and the crimes became worse.
A juvenile judge predicted, “Art, someday you’ll hang.”
After serving two years in a gift shop storeroom, Art found himself suspended over a kitchen window, dangling from a rope.
34 Comments on “Stain-Glass Flipper”
I'd love to hear from you
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 
Ha! “Deep Sea Justice”, the new show by Dick Wolf this fall on NBC. Great story!
LikeLike
Very clever Russell. I didn’t see that one coming even though I was looking at Art. While you’re in LA, you should pop into UCLA and volunteer to have your brain scanned. The way you think will very likely prompt this reaction: “I’ve never seen anything like this before!”
LikeLike
I don’t volunteer for anything, but sometimes I’m “voluntold” what to do.
LikeLike
That’s a great way to take this prompt 100% literally. That would be hard for a dolphin, to always be right over the water and not actually touch it (of course, maybe a glass dolphin doesn’t notice as much).
LikeLike
so he’s a “hanging judge” then? sometimes you have to throw the book at those troublemakers. well done, and it forced me to read it twice, which is a good thing because it means there’s a lot going on. and, i was a big fan of Mr. Limpet. and also “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken.”
LikeLike
Thanks, Rich. The Ghost and Mr. Chicken was one of my favorites too. When it came to scared facial expressions, nobody could top Don Knotts.
LikeLike
Great story! And as is often the case, I enjoyed your intro as much as the story 🙂
LikeLike
I thank you and so do the squirrels.
LikeLike
How you managed to get Don Knotts, Poseidon, and Mildred E. Mathias in the same post I’ll never know. True, Mildred E. Mathias was often known to be living with Poseidon, but Don Knotts? Mr. Limpet? Barney Fife? A viral video with an 80 year old woman who had previously rejected you and me? There’s something for everyone in this post. Cool, Russell!
LikeLike
I’m sure that woman had it coming, and Art was just the guy to pay her back for the way she treated you.
LikeLike
You always make me laugh, but your ingenious effort this week left me more than a little sad for your MC. That’s no way to treat a dolphin… Well done.
LikeLike
Dear Art,
So the moral to this tale is if you don’t behave you’ll end up as a piece of Art. Or something like that. You do have a way of taking as story line and standing it on it’s left shoulder. Funny stuff as always. Hope the trip to UCLA has been a good one and the outcome has been positive. I’ve been to CA and the squirrels are quite sensitive. Take care.
Merry Christmas and Shalom,
Aggie (as I’m known to my friends 😉 )
LikeLike
Ha ha, hilarious story, Russell. Very clever!
LikeLike
Oh Russell, I knew I shouldn’t have read this story in my current condition (severe Asthma). I’m laughing – coughing – wheezing and reaching for my Ventolin puffer. Would not miss one of your stories though…not ever 😀
LikeLike
I apologize for choking you up, but glad you got a laugh out of this.
LikeLike
haha hilarious 🙂 thanks for the laugh. this was just so clever!
LikeLike
Excellent piece of humour. So much fun to read stuff like this.
LikeLike
I’ve always thought jellyfish to be a bad influence. Nice one.
LikeLike
“Art, someday you’ll hang” is a great line!
LikeLike
Thanks. It’s not original, I borrowed it from an old Fractured Fairy Tales episode. It seemed a perfect fit for this prompt..
LikeLike
Rocky & Bullwinkle? Ah, now I see where your sense of humour comes from!
LikeLike
That’s quite a mashup you managed there, Russell. Fantastic!
LikeLike
Great stuff again.
LikeLike
That was a very amusing read for an early Friday morning – thank you!
LikeLike
All I can say is the hilarity in this tale – spanning myth, ridiculous films and You Tube is pretty amazing. I won’t say you’ve out done your self, but I certainly had to undo some buttons, as I was laughing so hard I thought I would split my seams!
LikeLike
“You spin me right round baby right round, like a record baby, right round round round!” Mash up, collage… just wonderful! I must have watched Mr. Limpet a hundred times as a kid…. Poor Art, just a free spirit, but hang he did.
LikeLike
This kind of hilarity is exactly what need this morning. Thanks for making me smile.
LikeLike
aww . . . and that’s just the kind of comment that makes my day. Thank you for visiting and leaving such a sweet message.
LikeLike
You’re welcome. And it’s true. I’ve had a rather down sort of day, and this made me smile.
LikeLike
Ha! Mr. Limpet! I haven’t thought of that great old movie in years. Let this be a lesson to anyone who doesn’t stay in school. Loved this will all the varied characters and references. I got a great laugh out it.
LikeLike
Russell, what an exquisite, imaginative take on the prompt. Wow, well done!
LikeLike
You’ve done it again. I’d kinda like to know the result of your brain scan, too. I’m sure CA is better after having you visit. Maybe you should bring some of those squirrels home with you, they deserve a chance at a real life.
LikeLike
Russell, look at all that great feedback you get. Way to go. Keep pumping out the good stuff.
LikeLike
I just hate it when the juvenile judge turns out to be right.
LikeLike