What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Gruel School
Do you ever watch cooking shows on TV? We do occasionally. That’s where I go the idea for Deer Balls. Start with two pounds of ground venison; add a cup of oatmeal, half a cup of milk, one egg, chopped jalapenos and cilantro, some Worcestershire sauce, and throw in whatever spices you find in the cupboard. Roll ‘em out in balls and bake at 350 F. for about thirty minutes.
We could just call them meatballs, but where’s the fun in that? They go over big at potlucks and work well with spaghetti or dipped in BBQ sauce.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the person whose brain is always cooking up a literary delicacy is Chef Marie Callender Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
McDonald’s opened its first specialty restaurant this week near the Abbey of Self-Denial outside Gatlinburg, Tennessee.
The Trappist monks who live there have taken vows of silence and follow centuries-old traditions of manual labor in pursuit of the simple life.
“We’ve streamlined our menu to meet their needs,” says manager Walt Jablonski. “Our number one combo is a bowl of cold gruel served with a side of stale crackers and a cup of warm water. After a hard day in the brewery, these guys are starving for a tasteless meal with no nutritional value.”
The monks have refused to comment.
58 Comments on “Gruel School”
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What's So Funny? 
It’s time I read a lighter take on the picture! Darkness envelopes all stories I read so far (including mine). Loved the menu. I’m sure the monks nod in taciturn approval…
Greetings from Greece!
Maria (MM Jaye)
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You’ll never find dark stories here, Maria. Surely, there was at least one monk who flipped the guy off. 🙂
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Now, who would eat oatmeal after being around all that yeast ???
Let me put it another way — who would WANT to eat oatmeal after being around all that yeast???
Nothing like a good venison recipe. Rochelle and Jan had me over one night for venison tacos! Deee-LISH! I would eat more venison, but the antlers get stuck in my throat.
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Maybe you should start eating it from the tail first and work your way toward the head.
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Now THAT’S disgusting …
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LOL wmqcolby!
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Loved your take on this picture!
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I have a feeling the happy denizens of this aptly named abbey will make trips to Sevierville where they’ll find the real thing (and girls).
It’s a great little deceit.
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I’m afraid their idea of a happy face is a horizonal line beneath two dots.
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Dear Walt,
We often have Bambi burgers at our house….and roast…and steak. You may have guessed that Jan’s a hunter. All this talk of food is making me hungry. As always you’ve whetted my appetite for more humor. Can I get a hot apple pie with that gruel?
Shalom,
Marie
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Dear Marie,
Sorry, no pie. We only have unflavored puffed rice cakes on the menu, and they have sat out a few days to become chewy as shoe leather.
– Walt
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Dear Walt,
As I sit eating peanut butter on rice cakes I can’t help but relate to this. Such is the gluten free life.
shalom,
Marie
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Peanut butter? I’m afraid that’s a no-no in our restaurant. Too rich and spicy.
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This is truly delightful. The menu sounds absolutely droll. On the other hand your Deer Balls sound scrumptious.
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Yep, once you’ve had Deer Balls no other balls will do.
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Dear Russell, Excellent story and it is such a fun read! Wow, that menu sounds yummers! You have the ability to make even the dullest food sound delicious and you could write for a culinary magazine! Now, the water is luke warm? Perfect too! I bet the Monkery ( I named the restaurant that) will be booked months out with such a delightful treat for the pallet! Awesome – my lips are already smacking! Nan 🙂
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You should see if Mike will take you out for cold gruel and stale crackers. What a treat!
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Surely if they’re starving for a tasteless meal with no nutritional value then a standard MacDonald’s menu would suffice?
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Yes, but the styrofoam irritates my lumbago.
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you ‘stole’ my comment! lol
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There’s still time, KZ …!
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Dear Sir,
We ain’t going there, that’s for sure. Nice intro, again. Quit your day job and write for a living.
Aloha,
Doug
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Crap, Rochelle told me not tell. Now, I’ve spoiled your surprise.
I’d love to write for a living, but can’t imagine who would buy this crap. But thanks for the kind words of praise.
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Maybe you should work on a cookbook nextl — The Galumphing Gourmet? Excellent take on the archway and a slam-dunk on Mickey D’s adapting their menu to accommodate the self-flagellating set.
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McDonald’s is struggling right now. They have to do whatever it takes to right the ship.
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Not much different from the usual tasty happy meal. Whoops! I guess tasty is the key here.
I heard the McDonalds adds the special flavouring “artificial french Fry” to get your mouth watering. I don’t care. I love fries…
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I see you’ve tried the cardboard burger. You’re right about the fries–they are good.
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Loved the intro and the thought of those monks in the Abbey of Self Denial toiling away making beer… how you got there, just brilliant.
Love your zany humour.
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I bet they tried to sneak some of those stale crackers out underneath their robes to chew on back at the monastery.
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Dear Balls, that’s funny! Great piece and intro. Walt Jablonski is a man after my own heart and with a concept like that McDonald’s should make a fortune. Good thing the monks have taken a vow of silence or they’d be shouting “OMG, this sucks!” Or maybe just “this sucks!” considering their calling in life.
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I bet they have a hand signal that means the same thing.
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haha that was hilarious. love your crazy ideas. stale crackers as substitute for fries.. that’s just gross. lol
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Gross, but chewy.
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Interesting take on this one.
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How funny. Great take on the prompt. Lucy
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Funny is as funny does.
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Ha. love this one.. whatever reason to consume beer could there be found.
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Ha ha …please sir can I have some more….
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Sorry, but there’s a one bowl limit.
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Russell, You’ve done it again. Hilarious. XD My son calls McDonald’s the McFactory. I’ve got to say they’ve tried to right the ship. I don’t think I’ll be eating at that particular McD’s very soon. 🙂 —Susan
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Aw, come on, Susan. They have a bowl of gruel just waiting for you at the drive-through window.
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A very clever and witty piece of writing. Ticks all the boxes for light hearted and fun!
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Thanks, Weltchy.
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Wonderful reportage. I think they should trying going international with that menu 🙂
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McGruel, I’m lovin’ it.
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I know where I won’t be eating! Ick. As always, Russell, entertaining!
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Thanks, Dawn.
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LOL right now, I’m sitting in McCafe trying to do some editing on my MS. I’m about to order a cappuccino to have with my salad with meatballs (beef). I’m in a quiet corner, so they won’t see I’ve bought my own food. Notice I did say “trying” to edit my MS, but the photo prompts and other flash fiction keeps whispering to me, ‘Read me, read me.’
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Are you afraid you’ll spill some gruel on your MS?
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LOL I think I already have…some of it’s very hard to decipher 😉
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LOL!! I had a ball reading this!
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Hi, Linda. I’ve been missing your clever posts. Nice to see you.
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I’m on a little break because I’m working on writing a book– mainly so I can scratch it off my bucket list — but once it’s done I’ll be back at my blog regularly.
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Horray for you! I can’t wait to get a copy. Please let me know when it goes to press.
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Funny stuff but the last line…that was priceless!
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It’s hard to get a testimonial out of those monks.
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Lol, yes, I suppose it is.
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I haven’t got a favourite line here, Russell; it’s just all too good! McDonalds marketing department are going to be busy the next few weeks starting up their speciality restaurant wing!
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