What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Starve Trek
Monday morning found my inbox filled with emails from the insurance department informing me that it will soon be time for our Biometric testing. This is the annual event where they determine I’m too short for my weight. According to their scale, someone with my body mass should be eleven foot, two and three-quarters inches tall.
Connie has been surfing the web in search of a medieval rack to stretch me, but it’s highly unlikely I’ll reach the height goal by mid-October. It’s too bad. I was hoping to become as svelte as my good buddy, Mr. MacIlroy, who I’m told trains for disc-golf tournaments by chasing island girls at luaus.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the writing fitness instructor who works overweight stories down to a slender 100 words is Jillian “Edit till you Drop” Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Captain’s log; Star-blimp, Baby Goodyear, has spent twenty minutes circling the Foodcourt Galaxy in search of the Silverware Nebula. So far, the only utensil we’ve encountered is a pair of primitive sticks.
“Mr. Spook, what do you make of this?”
“Highly illogical, Captain. Perhaps it explains why the natives have no problems passing their biometric exams.
“Bones, help me out here. How do I eat soup with these sticks?”
“Dammit Russell, I’m a doctor not a culinary wizard. Call engineering.”
“Mr. Snot, do you have a solution?”
“Aye, Captain. Try this.”
“Strange. It appears to be a hybrid of some form. What do you call this hideous invention?”
“It’s a spork, Captain.”
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This week’s offering came in at a gluttonous one hundred and twelve words. My sentences are seriously overweight due to their sedentary lifestyle, an overabundance of proper nouns, and lack of action verbs. The word-doctor says they’ll be lucky to make it past the weekend.
47 Comments on “Starve Trek”
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What's So Funny? 
Gotta love the spork. Never saw one in my life until I went into the military. Do you think they were commissioned by the Pentagon? Funny stuff here, Russell. Good luck with the test. I hear a cabbage diet works wonders to keep people from wanting to get too close. Maybe the doc will just give you a pass if you show up smelling like cabbage. HA!
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I’m sure the military spent a fortune on sporks–right up there with $400 toilets. Yes, I’ve heard of the cabbage diet. I believe they recommend clothes-pin nose clips with that one.
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Russell, That was really hilarious. 😀 As a fan of Star Trek, I found it especially funny. 😀 Well written from the intro to the end. 🙂 —Susan
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Thanks, Susan. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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Star Trek and a spork reference. Great! Much luck reaching your height goals.
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Thanks, J.D. It’s going to be a stretch, to say the least.
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Good luck with your test! Loved the Star Trek spin! Well done!
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Thank you. But I’m afraid it will take more than luck to pass the biometric exam. 🙂
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Positive thinking! You will be just fine!
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Hilarious story! Those plays on Star Trek are great., Russell.
Good luck on your test. I hope you studied hard for it! 😉
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Oh, I am, Kent. Unfortunately, all that studying gives me quite an appetite.
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Great job twisting the names! This was a treat to read.
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Funny stuff Russell. I am laughing out loud by myself in a food court ..going to go and hide before the white-coats arrive. BTW my daughter is a real Dr. Mccoy !
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Reading it in a food court–now, that is funny. I hope you found something to eat with besides a spork.
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Haha hilarious as usual and a good laugh as ever Russell 🙂
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I guess you could say I’m just one of those Fat & Happy guys. 🙂
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Brilliant! The parody was right on the nose and I’m sure I’m not the only reader who can sympathise with the crew’s suspicion over the spork. I’ll forgive you the 12 words too – sometimes these BMI-style targets are ridiculous!
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You’ve got that right. Imagine how boring it would be if we all looked like those toothpick runway models.
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That’s Dr. Spork to you, Russ!! Love the title and the opening paragraph of your intro, too.
janet
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Thanks, Janet. Tell Bill I said “Hey.”
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I will.
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Dear Captain Girth,
I’m not sure logic or cabbage will help you out with your dilemma. Perhaps a spork with a hole in it? You know how it is, they creep up on you. An extra noun here, a spare modifier there and before you know it, you’re over-word limits. Great title. I can’t hold my laughter any more, Captain, it’s going to blow!
Shalom,
Jillian ETYD
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Captain Girth? Ha! Yes, I use a baler string to hold my pants up since they will no longer button at the waist.
These fat sentences have to go. Slim is in according to all my writer friends. Damn the adverbs, full speed ahead!
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Very inspired parody, Russell. As you know I’ve been on a strict diet and intensive exercise regimen all year, but in your honor tonight, I avoided the kale and ate cookies. I suggest that you eat more veggies, but also climb the stairs.
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Little, petitie women (like you and Jillian, aka Rochelle) make us big boys look even bigger. The biometric team probably weighs you two in ounces. Theoretically, your health insurance should be free, although I’m positive they’ll find some excuse to raise your premium.
Is that stairs, as in plural? For a minute there I thought you were recommending something that I might be able to acheive.
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I’m always delighted when someone writes a Star Trek parody, and yours didn’t disappoint. LOL but then you stories never disappoint, Russell. Oh, by the way, did you know that Mr Spook has twins? He named them Spick and Span 😉
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No, I didn’t know that, but it’s very logical.
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Love your play on words, Fatty! My cub-scout grandson actually owns a spork.
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Is it a domestic spork, or one that was captured in the wild? Those things are more dangerous than a BB gun. I hope it doesn’t put his eye out.
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Mid October? Plenty of time there for you to grow. Thanks for the funny story.
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I’m reaching for the stars, Sandra.
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Spook – Bones and Snot ! 😀
Try Vines instead of Wines and that might help you with the height ! 😀
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And what are your thoughts on bungee jumping? Would that stretch me out?
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lol even the title was hilarious 🙂 i agree with him though, about the spork being hideous.
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I’m not crazy about them either.
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Aaahhh the spork. I don;t know why they aren’t more prevalent. Does KFC have some kind of lifetime patent?
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I guess not. Spork is the utensil of choice at Popeye’s Chicken.
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Oh…I didn’t know that. We just got a Popeye’s, I will have to check it out.
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That’s one bright spork of imagination. Spork, the final culinary frontier. Your writing is impeccable, Captain Russell.
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Let’s hope they can’t come up with something more hideous than a spark, but I’m not going to hold my breath.
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I always err on the side of spork, and I always get a good laugh from your stories, Russell!
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Some species just shouldn’t cross-breed. Can you imagine a spoon and fork having sex to make one of these? That’s disgusting!
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Gee, thanks for that image, Russell. I need to go wash my eyes out with soap now.
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So funny …. and one of the blog posts where the explanation is as funny as the story itself …. loved it!
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Glad you enjoyed it.
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🙂
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So clever. You have the voices just right. And a spork really is a space age abomination.
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