What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Ozark Snotmouth
I have a strong stomach, but this week’s photo made me GAG! Now, I’m afraid to go to sleep for fear this disgusting image has burned itself into my brain cell (singular). When I was child nightmares of snakes often plagued my sleep. Just when I thought I’d put that chapter behind me—BAM! Now, I have to write about it. Oh well, my shrink says it will be good therapy.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the snake-charmer who summons stories from this basket of serpents, is Medusa Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
I hate snakes. All five kinds—large, small, dead, alive, and rubber.
As a farm boy, I was unfortunate enough to experience dozens of unexpected encounters with these cold-blooded vermin. From March to November they sensed my every move, engaging in a horrible conspiracy to torment and terrorize me—often generating unsightly stains in my underpants.
The most horrific of all these despicable, slimy creatures is the Ozark Snotmouth. This snake does not have fangs, but smothers its victim in a disgusting drool the consistency of rubber cement.
There is no anti-venom. The best defense is tall boots and Kleenex.
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* reposted from August 2012
27 Comments on “Ozark Snotmouth”
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What's So Funny? 
That’s disgusting, and I’m going to wish I hadn’t read it just before bedtime!
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Sorry, Liz. At least he didn’t crawl all over the door knob.
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Excluding the woodsy vegetation in the background, Russell, if this same central image were put sideways on a plate with toast and next to a mimosa, it could just as well be a messy gourmet brunch to me. And on that note, I’m going to slither away and get my glasses checked.
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I can just see you folks in New York thinking this is a delicacy. Order one for Milton too.
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Russell, Hilarious in a sickening way. 😐 The Ozark Snotmouth must be nonexistant anywhere else and very shy with anyone but local residents, because I’ve never seen one in a zoo snakehouse. Now that you’ve written about it, you may have snake experts crowding in to find one. Madison Wooods commented in Ali’s blog that the photo was a cut grape vine. It still looks sickening. I trust you about the Ozark Snotmouth. That sounds more probable. 🙂 —Susan
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I think Snotmouth is an in-bred variety. They’re not too smart either.
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So funny! Just the *title* “Ozark Snotmouth” is a winner, in my book. And shoot — that snake wouldn’t have to bite OR smother me. It would just have to gag at my feet and I’d be done for. Bleagh! 😉
Great response to the prompt! 😀
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They can’t bite, they just slobber all over you. It’s nasty.
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You always find something crazy to write about, Russell — no matter what the prompt is. I’m with you when it comes to snakes…as far as I’m concerned, there is only one type of snake – a dead one.
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Amen to that, sister.
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“Ozark Snotmouth” snort! Sounds like the most dangerous serpent of them all.
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They’re nonpoisonous, but you’ll definitely get sick at your stomach.
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Ouch – that was disgusting. Reminds of the troll in Harry Potter..
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Being smothered in goo is more frightening than a sharp bite. Loved your clean description of dirty underpants.
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Thanks. Snot is gross enough. No need to go into graphic detail on the undies.
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What a name! That was enough to put me off to start with. A picture of the snake would have been appreciated so that we’d all be on guard for it.
janet
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That’s its head in the photo. Of course, my imagination is a little warped.
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Ozark Snotmouth, the name alone is disgusting. I went for snot this week as well. Great job being disgusting! I hope it did you good. I’m going to gag now!
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Wow, I can’t wait to read it. Two snot stories on one prompt. That has to be some kind of record.
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Dear SN,
There’s no excuse for this disgusting story, if not to make us laugh. I think I remember this the first go around in our blogspot days. 😉
shalom,
Medusa (my friends call me Meddie)
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That should be “Dear SM”
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It’s allergies, I tell you. I’m normally not this snotty.
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I didn’t think anything could be more disgusting than this picture, but then you reference the unsightly stains in your underpants! I too hate snakes, snotwise or not, as well. We can feel comfortable that we are in the heroic company of Indiana Jones who also hates snakes, except for the fact that that’s the ONLY thing we have in common with Indiana Jones. Nice use of very nauseating prompt!
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Oh, I don’t know. I look pretty good in a fedora and leather jacket, and I hear you are pretty charming with the ladies.
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Quite fun! And the weird thing is, I’ve read all the stories up to yours (and will continue as best I can) and I DID dream about this picture last night. Thanks for the smile.
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I’d like to hear more about that dream.
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Done in by drool! 🙂 Funny
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