What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
She Came In Through the Bathroom Window
It’s good to be back in Arkansas. I spend a good three hours Tuesday clicking the heels of my ruby work boots together and chanting, “There’s no place like Goshen, there’s no place like Goshen.” Finally, the most powerful wizard of US Airways put us in a little metal tube and shot us half-way across the continent to God’s country.
I want to thank everyone for the prayers, kind thoughts, and healing wishes sent our way during Connie’s surgery and recovery. The poor girl went through a lot and now she’s stuck with me as a primary caregiver. That alone should provide plenty of incentive and motivation to heal quickly.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the nurse in charge of administering weekly prompts is Clara Barton Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Raul, what do you think of this new eye shadow?”
“It brings out the color in your eyes.”
“What about my hair, does it look all right?”
“You look ravishing, darling.”
“(sigh) Why do I even bother asking? You’d say I looked beautiful if my make-up was running and my hair looked like Phyllis Diller’s”
“What would you have me say? That you look like death warmed over?”
Thana smiled. “Trying to humor me, my love?”
“Well, I have seen some beautiful corpses.”
“It’s just so frustrating, trying to look presentable when you can’t see your reflection in a mirror.”
____________________________________________________________________
I really wanted Raul to say, “Hey Thana, you have a piece of salad stuck between your fangs.” But that’s another story.
Oh, and about the title, it was the first thing that came to mind when I saw the photo and I couldn’t resist using it. Just imagine her flying through the window as a bat.
57 Comments on “She Came In Through the Bathroom Window”
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What's So Funny? 
Russell, I’m glad to hear Connie’s getting well. This story’s another hilarious addition to your collection. 😀 I never thought of what problems not being able to see your reflection could cause. What a hardship. I guess it gets less of a hardship as we grow older. All kinds of creepy things seem to be coming in that window. Maybe there should be bars on it. I guess bars can’t keep out everything though. 🙂 —Susan
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Yes, those vampirettes have it rough. Raul is wise enough not to put his foot in his mouth either.
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Aaah, I’m about to head off for bed, so a nice bedtime story was just what I needed. You’re back home, and you haven’t lost your touch for the weird and the wonderful, Russell 🙂
So glad to hear that Connie is recovering well after her surgery. Make sure you spoil her enormously.
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She’s already starting to get bored. That’s a sign she’s feeling much better.
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Ha! I like the allusion in the “death warmed over” line. Very clever 🙂
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Thanks, Rachel. I wonder if Thana took it as a compliment?
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“look like death warmed over.”
priceless.
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Thanks, Plaridel.
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Neat story, and the ending took me by surprise. Best wishes to Connie.
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Thanks, Liz. I appreciate that.
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it’s a scary ending!
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Yes. I can just see her make-up being all over her face, lipstick crooked, etc.
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It would be hard to get ready with no visible reflection. Women (I am one), we are so difficult to please aren’t we? Great story and I like the salad idea.
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Raul is very diplomatic. He’s probably been in hot water before. You can never go wrong with telling a woman she looks beautiful.
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You’ve got an excellent point there.
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I was thinking “flying through the window on a broom,” but I guess everyone’s got SOME sense of decency … not here, but I’m sure SOMEONE does.
I read it to Clara Barton on her way to work this morning after she hit a deer.
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Oh my, is she okay? Did she have to chase it down a side road to hit it, or was it trying to commit suicide?
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Dear Raul,
If only this story weren’t true. My car is a bit injured but I’m fine. I didn’t see the doe until she flipped over on my bumper then all I saw were legs. She left some hair in case we need to do DNA testing. She was nowhere to be seen when I stopped to check out the damage so I assume she was alive. And I didn’t even save the heart and liver.
BTW I’m ignoring your comments about the hit. Your story, on the other hand, I’ll not ignore. One of the best vampire stories submitted to Friday Fictioneers. Great fang in cheek tale.
Shalom,
Clara (nurse heal thyself) Barton
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Dear Clara,
Too bad about missing out on the organs. I’m sure they would have went a long ways in getting that creature in your garage up and running. Hang in there, Sister. You’ll get ’em next time. ~ Raul
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Thana, the vegetarian vampire. She really should get a Waterpik.
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Perhaps one that shoots beet juice?
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Best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery. Great story.
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Thanks, Dawn. We appreciate the kind thoughts.
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Glad to hear Connie is getting better, in spite of your bedside manner. 🙂 I know you’re taking good care of her. Your story doesn’t disappoint, either, loved the title!
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Thanks, Patti. I can’t get the song out of my head either. I keep doing strained facial expressions and trying to sing it like Joe Cocker – quite painful.
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I’ve been out of the loop for a while and didn’t know about your wife’s surgery, but I’m so glad to know that she is on her way back to health. You sound like the kind of guy who will make her recovery process a little bit of fun, and I know from years of caring for my husband, that finding some fun in all of it goes a very long way to total recovery.
Your story is really funny. You haven’t lost your touch while you were gone from Goshen.
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Good. I was worried that 8 days in California might warp me somehow.
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How do you warp something that’s already warped????
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Well most vampires I’ve seen are always immaculately turned out. It must be an instinct they have. Along with some others. Best wishes to your wife, hope she’s up and about again soon.
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I’ve always wondered how female vamps look so beautiful–never a hair out of place and their make-up looks professional done, even when they’re fresh out of the coffin.
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I’m jumping into this conversation even though it’s not my original comment. I just have to say that the answer to your question, Russell, is that it’s all done with mirrors. (I know: bad joke, but I just could not resist.)
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that’s fine, Sandra. Your comments are always appreciated.
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Fresh and witty take on the vampire genre, Russell. Maybe this could be the pilot of a vampire comedy series on cable TV. Nice tag: the trouble with mirrors.
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I’ll take that over stale and pun-infested any day. I don’t know about a whole series, but it might make a fun SNL skit.
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Russell, First – so glad you and Connie are home. Just being in your own bed staring at YOUR boring walls makes recovery speed up.
I love the kicker at the end of your story. Never thought “vampire” until the very end. Thanks for a good read. Alicia
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Thanks, Alicia. I always wondered how those vamps put on their faces.
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Fun story covering both ordinary human relationships and our loveable blood-sucking friends.
(Hope your missus heals soon.)
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At least she didn’t say, “Does this evening gown make me look fat?” I hate when that happens.
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Russell, I missed your story last week so I didn’t know about your trip, but I’m glad you’re back now and that Connie is recovering. I hope she gets all better soon. I laughed at this since my wife gets after me for the same thing. It’s not fault she looks beautiful no matter what. At least she can check for herself sometimes.
-David
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Actually, I wrote most of this for personal experience (as you can obviously relate).
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Glad Connie’s doing well. Your story is fang-tastic and has a mirror-iad of good dialogue. I suppose she was vamping for him.
OK, I’ll stop.
janet
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You’re killing me, Janet. Nothing like a few puns on Friday.
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I thought I was killing Bill, but “whatever.” I know some people scorn puns but I love them. Have a great weekend, Russ, and give my love to Connie.
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Will do, Janet. Glad to hear Bill is still with us (at least for the moment.)
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Wonderful dialogue. Thana’s just going to have to trust Raul is being honest, or accept that he loves her however great/ dire she looks.
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We husbands would never lie (cough) about something this important.
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First of all I’m glad to hear about Connie’s recovery, and I guess you’re a better caretaker than you’re telling us. As for the history I can see it as both hilarious (vampire angle) or as poignant if Thana is blind..
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I hadn’t considered the possibility of her being blind. Good point.
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Loved it 🙂 must be really frustrating 😉
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This is perfect! That would a trying situation to now be able to look your best, or to not know what you look like. It works if you’re alone, but when you’re not, it may be problematic. Even corpses have their standards. 🙂
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You bet. Who doesn’t want to look good when heading into eternity.
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Dear Russell,
This was a good one, from the title to the missing lettuce in fang line. One of your best.
Tell Connie hello and give her my best…and some sympathy for having you as a care giver. (I’ll bet you’re just who she wants to wait on her in this trying time. Don’t sell yourself short. Leave that to Rochelle…)
Aloha,
Doug
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Thanks, Doug. I’ll pass that on to Connie. Loved the “short” remark too 🙂
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Har Har. I’m going to stand on a ladder and bop both of you.
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Russell, so glad that Connie is doing well! No doubt you are a wonderful caregiver… as long as she’s allowed to laugh! 😉
I always enjoy your humor and fun writing, Russell. This is a particularly well written and clever one. Wonderful job this week! (sorry I’m late… we were away)
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Connie often says I’m funny, but in the “odd” or “strange” definition of the word, not “ha, ha” funny.
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That’s because you’re her husband. We woman must say things like that. 😉
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