What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Art of Whine
Several years ago, Connie and I volunteered to work an event called “The Art of Wine” at the Walton Arts Center. This is as close as it gets to a red-carpet, Hollywood-style evening in Northwest Arkansas where our most elite (and wealthiest) citizens turn out in droves to be seen in their Sunday best. I had always wanted to attend, but tickets are $150/head (to keep out the riffraff—like me).
The gentlemen dress most dapper and the ladies tend to wear staccato heels and evening gowns which leave little to the imagination. My partner was armed with a walkie-talkie to communicate with the rest of the crew. Many times during the evening we were called to respond to “Code Pink” emergencies indicating possible wardrobe malfunctions. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured, but my partner did suffer from severe eye strain for several days following the event.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our writing sommelier who knows the difference between vintage prose and bathroom graffiti is Juliette Gallo Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Prelude – In this week’s episode Jack Horner takes Goldilocks to dinner at the Fairy Tale Café.
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Waiter: Good evening Mr. Horner. We’ve reserved your usual table.
Goldilocks: But J-aack, it’s too dark in the cor-n-er.
Jack: Would you rather sit by the window?
Goldilocks: Nooo. The light from the street’s too ha-r-s-h.
Waiter: Very well. Here’s table near the center of the room. Would you like something to drink, or an appetizer?
Jack: Two cups of tea and some curds and whey.
Goldilocks: J-aack, you know I’m a-ller-gic to gluu-ten. I want fruit sal-ad.
The waiter returns with the appetizers and tea.
Goldilocks: This tea is too h-o-t.
Jack: Put some ice in it.
Goldilocks: I d-i-d. Now, it’s too c-o-ld.
Jack: Will you excuse me? I need to visit the men’s room.
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Epilogue – Little Jack Horner escaped through the door in the corner and never was
seen again.
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47 Comments on “The Art of Whine”
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What's So Funny? 
Maybe Goldilocks hooked up with a bear or two or three? They’re used to her and Jack hightailing just gave her plenty of fresh new material.
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That girl is the biggest whiner in Fairy Tale land. She’ll never get a 2nd date with anyone–especially the bears.
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Exhausting!
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Seems our dear Jack is wishing he hadn’t dumped Little Miss Muffet. As I was rushing to Amazon for your book I tripped on some curds. At least I hope that’s what it was. HA! Excellent funny tale, Russell. I’ll make my way back into the FF circle again, but I gotta get my homework done first. It seems I never finish. No sooner do I get one assignment completed, they give us another! GAAAHHH!!
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Ho-m-e-w-or-k! Ohhhh, no!
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Well you tickled me with your pink code and everything. Sometimes, I’m like Goldilocks. I like to wine. No spelling error. 🙂
Lily
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I like to wine too, Lily. 🙂
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He should have asked Mary. Though the bill might have been higher because I hear Mary had a little lamb and then she had some more.
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Yeah, I’m sure she had two or three sides, desert, and their finest wine. I’d hard to whine when your mouth is full.
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Love the “pink code”! This Goldilocks is really boring, I’d do the same as Jack!
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Yes, she’s extremely annoying. It made my ears hurt just to write it.
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Russell, Hilarious. 😀 Goldilocks really is a big whinner. Jack, however, wasn’t much of a gentleman, but fairytale folk are often unpredictable. With her disposition she’s probably used to it by now. Is it my imagination, or are there more and more wardrobe malfunctions happening in public these days? It seems to be catching like the plague. It seemed to start in LA and has spread across the country. Well written as always. 🙂 —Susan
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When your outfit is made of bandanas held together with fishing line malfunctions are bound to happen. I do think some are intentional, though. People love attention, and nothing gets attention like showing a little skin.
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I have been known to do both: Whine & Wine – it saves time! Love your story Russell! Really, really, cute! Nan 🙂
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I’m more of an “Aginner” than a whiner, but I do enjoy a good wine.
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Dear Jack,
Pity about Goldilocks. Not every date’s a plumb, eh? Personally I enjoy a little wine with my whine. At any rate you gave me cause to laugh this morning.
Shalom,
Juliette
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I think this date was more of a prune.
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Just as well the dinner date didn’t proceed. Whatever would she have thought when he started sticking his thumbs in the dessert? Fun story. I enjoyed it.
Marg
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Jaa-c-k, quite sticking your th-u-m-b in my p-i-e.
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A great story! If they had served Mary’s little lamb for dinner this could have taken a dark turn!
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At least it would have been gluten free.
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Never did like Goldilocks! silly little girl.
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Me neither. I don’t know why we didn’t get charged with breaking & entering.
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Ha! I just love this, Russell. Run, Jack, run! Run for your life. That Goldilocks is real high maintenance. My goodness. I think Goldilocks needs a glass of wine with her whine.
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Perhaps a whole bottle would loosen her up.
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Terribly clever! (What a whiner!)
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The girl has it down to an art form.
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Did I hear screeching? Very funny!
Ellespeth
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That was Jack’s car tearing out of the parking lot.
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Nice take on Goldilocks, I’d never pictured her as annoying, but in hindsight its pretty obvious. I’m also glad I’m not the only one who went with the ‘whine’ pun 🙂
Cheers
KT
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Cool. I can’t wait to read yours.
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Very clever! I think Jack had the right idea. I’m sure the waiter disagreed, since I’m sure Goldilocks didn’t leave a tip.
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You’re right, Miss Tiffany. I can’t see Goldilocks leaving a tip. The waiter will be happy is she just LEAVES.
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Russ, you rosé to new heights with this one.
janet
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Some matchmaker you were, Russell. Obviously, you don’t know J-aack.
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Wasn’t exactly an eHarmony match, was it?
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With Goldilock it’s always whine and dine … Real funny take on the old story
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Perhaps she could become a restaurant critic.
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Hi Russell, this is such fun! Even your story before your story, but I loved your Fairy’s tale. I could BEAR quite a few more. 🙂 LHN
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Thanks, LHN. I enjoyed visiting your blog too. You can’t go wrong with Love & Happy.
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Good for Jack, sneaking away like that. I understood Goldilocks was a nymphomaniac because she liked sleeping in other people’s beds. Jack deserved better (maybe the Queen of Hearts isn’t doing anything tonight …).
Fun story, Russell!
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I don’t know about having her for a lover. She might be hard to satisfy. Expect complaints about your size, technique, everything. A real mood killer.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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ah that Goldie,,, quite impossible to please. 🙂 hilarious spin on the nursery rhymes, Russell!
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Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by, K.Z.
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Oh my, what a nightmare…I think most of the fictional characters would suck in RL. I wrote a short story about few of them crossing to our realm, it was surprisingly funny, considering my stories are usually so horribly sad. This was a fun read, you did it again.
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Smart man. I’d run too! Good take on the photo.
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