What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Fallout
After scheduling three days of vacation, based upon a forecast of gorgeous weather, I’ve come to the conclusion that I missed my calling in life. I should’ve pursued a career in meteorology. Connie can verify that I’m only right one-third of the time (a generous estimate) and don’t know what I’m talking about then.
I have a booming voice and a commanding stage presence. So what if my girth blocks everything on the map from Tulsa to the Pacific Ocean. The weather in Phoenix never changes anyway. I’ll admit I’m not as young and attractive as Heidi Waggoner, but I promise to never send you out into the sunshine with a raincoat.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our own little ray of sunshine is the effervescent Bubbles McCall Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Local farmer, Abner Dilday, awoke Tuesday to find a snow-white blanket of powder covering his pasture.
“It looked like a heavy frost,” said Abner, “but I knowed better’n that. Hell, it’s mid-summer in Calhoun County.”
Neighbor, Gwen Juicyfruit, had her own theory. “It’s fairy dust. I saw hundreds of them partying last night, their wings sparkling under a Strawberry Moon.”
“She’s sees lots of things.” Abner’s finger spun circles beside his ear.
“It’s ash chewings. There’s been a rumbling from the mountain all week. Last night, Uncle Bob came home drunk on moonshine, causing Mouth of Aunt Helen to erupt.”
46 Comments on “Fallout”
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What's So Funny? 
I’ve been so looking forward to your post, Russell. I’ve just opened my email program and saw you had written not one, but three posts. Two of them weren’t from you, but your doppelganger had taken over my computer and said they were, and the one that was from you led me to a “page not found.” So, I did what any intrepid hunter would do, I searched March archives and caught my prey.
As always, you have brought a huge smile to my dial and it’s only 5:55AM. I’m sure Bubbles will be adding another name to her little black book of aliases for future use. I wouldn’t be surprised if she added Gwen Juicyfruit as well. Having had a long hard look at the picture, I concur with Abner, it’s ash chewings for sure. Your reference to Mount St Helens is priceless. This is definitely another chapter for Book 2 of The Perils of Heavy Thinking 🙂
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Thanks, Lyn. I had a little problem posting today which led to the multiple messages saying I had posted when it really didn’t show up on my site. I appreciate you taking the extra effort to digging until you found it.
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Delightful cast of characters got me a-grinnin’.
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Thanks, Karen. Abner is blushing.
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Mouth of Aunt Helen – love it! Well done for making me laugh – it takes some doing!
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Laughter is good medicine. Everyone needs at least three doses per day.
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Hilarious! Ash chewings from the mouth of Aunt Helen cuz Uncle Bob came home drunk. Love it.
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Imagine how bad it was if you were standing 3 ft. away?
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Pretty bad!
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Russell, that is brilliant. Keep up the good work.
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Sick or demented would be JB’s description. Thanks for you kind words, Jim.
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” the mouth of Aunt Helen” …love it!
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You must know her. 🙂
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I know a couple of hers. 😉
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Dear Abner,
From the mouth of Aunt Helen to God’s ears. Ashes ashes we all fall down. You made me laugh, you made me smile.
Shalom Y’all,
Bubbles
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Dear Bubbles,
Considered naming you Tiny Bubbles this week in honor of the Don Ho song, but decided to drop the Tiny. Kent can add that. Glad Gwen gave you a smile.
Cheeri-O
Abner
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Your batting average with weather forecasting might not be to your liking, Russell, but you consistently hit these FF’s out of the park with your bottomless pit capacity to deliver a play on words. I also get a kick out of your character’s names.
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Why, thank you V.
I don’t know why those weather people bother to go to school. They could make up four syllable words and we wouldn’t know the difference. The only time they’re right is when it’s obvious. The good news is, you can always count on Gwen Juicyfruit.
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This is a wonderful cast of characters. My favorite by far is Gwen Juicyfruit, particularly because she saw fairies. Any one of them is suitable to forecast the weather, I should say.
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I think Gwen may have nibbled on a few of those mushrooms from last week.
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Russell, I love the way you tug me into the silliest of scenes, and have me believing them! Wonderful characters here, and magical dialogue! Love it!
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Thanks, Dawn. I’m glad you found the characters believable. Beware of Aunt Helen.
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🙂 🙂 Gwen Juicyfruit gets my vote. Good one
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I wish I had a picture of her I could share with you. Her hair is a mess, but she’s sweet girl.
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Hilarious once again, Russell. 😀 I suspect Gwen Juicyfruit has had her share of the moonshine as well. You never know where a volcano’s going to erupt these days. There was a TV movies where one erupted in Los Angeles. Of course nothing that happens there would surprise me. 🙂 — Suzanne
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I think we met Gwen when Connie and I were staying on the UCLA campus. We met several strange characters out there.
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I like the picture of hundreds of angels having a party at night. 🙂
Lily
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Me too.
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Heh heh! I was thinking on Mt. St. Helen when you played the puns. Silly stuff, but a fun read.
Cheers!
MG
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It’s only fun when it’s someone else’s ash that’s being chewed.
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i guess it’s nothing, really. she’s only living up to her namesake, mt. helens. 🙂
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Yep, first she rumbles, then she blows.
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That was very clever and very amusing. It got me in at the beginning and had me grinning from ear to ear by the end with good visual pictures drawn throughout. Enjoyed reading it.
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Thanks for the kind words, Irene. We love grins.
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Gwen Juicyfruit gets my vote though maybe Bubbles McCall Wisoff-Fields needs to play a part in a future episode. Loved this episode though.
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Maybe we should have a Gwen & Bubbles episode. Sort of like Laverne & Shirley.
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Mouth of Aunt Helen. Leave it to you to think of that! Poor Bob. 🙂
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Nothing left of him but the ashes.
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Ha.. there is always that Aunt Helen .. But I bet it’s faeries… 🙂
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We can only hope . . . .
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Mouth of Aunt Helen, indeed. Ha! If you’re right 1/3 of the time, take up baseball. You’ll be one of the best hitters in the league!
janet
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and a multi-millionaire too.
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Russel, what makes this extra funny for me is that when I was just a tad in the pool in Denver, my neighbor’s were Bob and Helen and they fit these descriptions to a T! Thanks for another delightful story.
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Sounds like this one hit close to home. 🙂
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Abner should be a meterologist, I think, or at least a relationship counselor. I love your character names too.
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Well, the people in that community certainly get to debate the world around them – better than always agreeing.
I’m no meteorologist either, but I was given membership of the Cloud Appreciation Society (with certificate and badge) for Xmas and now spend a lot of time looking upwards. I have a reference book too! Who knew, eh?
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