What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Alien Probe
Let me ask you a personal question. How much does your mood impact your writing? If you’re feeling happy, do you tend to write light-hearted stuff? When you’re sad or depressed do your prose reflect a morbid or dark attitude?
Normally, I’m a pretty easy going guy, but yesterday a guy named Worth pissed in my Wheaties. It took all my self-control to keep from responding to his email with something that would return to bite me in the butt. To alleviate the pressure rising in my boiler, I drafted a wonderfully sarcastic reply in which I assigned Worth the fitting middle name of Less. The unsent email will remain in my draft folder until I’ve reached the point where reading it no longer brings me joy and satisfaction. Then I will permanently delete it.
In the meantime, look for an antagonist named Worth in one of my future stories.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the moral compass who keeps our Raft of Writers on the high road is Northstar Nancy Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“You know, sometimes I feel sorry for those aliens in their UFOs”
“Why’s that, Clem?” Harold rolled a stem of wheat straw from one side of his mouth to the other and leaned against his pick-up.
“With 90% of Americans carrying cell phones, those poor bastards can’t even make a crop circle without someone trying to take their picture.”
“It must be like a bad case of hemorrhoids.”
“That’s why I built that giant suppository—to ease their pain.”
“Mighty thoughtful of you, Clem. Gonna build one for the Sasquatch too?”
“It’s on my list, Harold. It’s on my list.”
______________________________________________
check out my new compass
58 Comments on “Alien Probe”
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What's So Funny? 
Hilarious! If being a bit mad gets you to this story, it’s “worth” it! See what I did there? This was great fun, Russell. The aliens are thanking you somewhere. Snazzy looking compass.
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You make it look so easy, Amy. Maybe I’ll have a Sasquatch give him a prostrate exam. That would really be “worth” it.
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Love that compass. Story was great as usual…missed the connection from crop circles to hemmorhoids and had to google…I get it now. LOL!
To answer your question, my mood does impact my writing.
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Great story. You can’t miss the humor high scores with a line about hemorrhoids. It’s a sure-fire chuckle-getter.
I did notice what may be a typo, though. Do you mean “can’t” instead of “can” even make a crop circle…? I’m great at picking up other people’s editorial gaffes, but always miss my own. Hope you don’t mind me alerting you to this possible mistake… 🙂 I wish people would tell me when they see mistakes in my stuff so I can fix them.
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Thanks for catching that. I appreciate you bringing it to my attention. When I talk stories to read at the writers group, they always find plenty of little errors and left out words (a, and, the) in my work. When you’re thinking about aliens with hemorrhoids it’s pretty easy to miss a typo.
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I agree. Aliens, butt probes. These are big picture issues. The small stuff seems so, well, small! 😉
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Russell, you do bring a smile. Hemmorroids and crop circles and Sasquatch, oh my. (Love the compass.)
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Thanks, Alicia. Have you noticed we don’t have many publicized photos of UFOs and Sasquatch since everyone got phones that take photos? What’s up with that?
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That puts a whole other spin on the phrase Alien Probe. Looking forward to hearing about Worth (Less). We all work with a few of those at times, eh?
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I’m still plotting his demise, but I assure you, it will be Worth your time to read about it.
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I’m sure anything you write will be Worthwhile.
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Dear Preparation C
I don’t think I can top David’s Alien Probe. I’m sure the aliens are quivering with relief. You never cease to amaze me with where your head will go.
Frankly, I’m in a pretty good mood when I come up with a dark story. When I’m in a bad frame of mind I sit and stare at the screen thinking of how to get back and Worth-Less ones in my own life.
As always you made me laugh. Now I shall go Tuck myself in. 🙂
Shalom,
Northstar Nancy
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Dear Northstar Nancy,
So you’ve met those aliens, Itchy and Scratchy? Let’s just say they’re feeling more comfortable today.
Those who irritate our backsides are just begging for a role in a story. (love the Tuck’s reference) Need a donut shaped pillow?
– Clem
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Alien probe…ahahaha!
Most of the time I am fairly smart but sometimes I have been known to be a bit gullible. Still, I gotta ask: Is his name really Worth?
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Yes. I didn’t make that up. Truth really is stranger than fiction.
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LOL…I love it!
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To answer your question, yes definitely, although sometimes it works kinda in reverse and write happy to try to make myself happy. If you see what I mean. The idea of an unsent snarky email sounds good though – although knowing my luck, I’d accidentally hit send!!!
I liked your two hicks (did you mean “can’t even make a crop circle…” rather than “can”??) and their plans for helping out our neighbours, as it were!
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I love your reverse attitude, Jen. My anger usually comes out dripping with sarcasm and the only reader who finds it entertaining is me.
Yep, that was a typo. I tried white-out, but it just left a nasty spot on my screen.
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Doncha hate it when that happens? Then you have position all future typos just so…
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it’s very generous of him to do those stuff. maybe he can wash my car, too. 🙂
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Perhaps, he’s very thoughtful and considerate.
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I confess a bit of surprise at the amount of space-related stuff this photo prompt is inspiring. Still, it’s been a lot of fun, and I can see the reasoning.
Here’s hoping Worth Lesley Ch has a run in with karma soon and then learns his lesson for good!
Cheers!
MG
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I can’t speak for other writers, but personally, I’m lazy and tend to take the easy way out. Writing about a silo in the middle of a field would require a lot of heavy thinking and creative effort.
Every story needs a villain. Now, I’ve got a villain, just waiting for the right story.
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I love the way you’ve made the bizarre so “matter of fact”.
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Thanks, Mick. Clem and Harold just naturally put the best interest of others first.
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Absolutely brilliant – I’m still smiling.
Visit Keith’s Ramblings!
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We like smiles. On my way over now.
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Russell, I think you’re showing a lot of restraint. Some people would make a doll of Worth and stick pins in it. Hilarious story once again. 😀 — Suzanne
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You’re right, Suzanne. A voodoo doll is another good solution, but I can’t wait to torture his character in a short story.
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Oh this made me happy.. I think I needed that.. Because I’m worth it. 😉
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Yes, you are, Bjorn. Yes, you are.
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Very funny!
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Thank you. I was really going for just half-funny this week, but I may have overdone it.
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You did very good! 🙂
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Maybe next week I’ll shoot for puurr-fect. 🙂
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I actually prefer eviscerating them in fiction. Even when no one but me knows it, the Less Worths of the world make excellent bodies in psycho-slasher tales.
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Feel free to use the name, Dave. In fact, I encourage everyone reading this blog to take a stab at him for all they’re worth.
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Hope you don’t accidently press the send button on your email to Worthless. Your flash caused me a smile.
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I learned my lesson a few years ago. Glad it made you smile, Irene.
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thoughtful of you to build that suppository
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Think I’ll market it under the name, Preparation Clem.
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Maybe a giant suppository is what they came for after all. Probably they get constipated when they travel through space. Problem is when we take them to meet our leader, the Oval Office may wind up with an awful lot of shit all over it. Which Obama will be blamed for.
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Maybe Hillary will be our leader by then, and poor Bill will take the blame.
I can hear him now, “I did not have sexual relations with that alien.”
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I’m the Queen of Unsent emails and rants. I like the compass and the story.
Tracey
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Ah, so that’s your prescription for sanity. Write two nasty emails and don’t send them in the morning.
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yup, works for me
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Gotta love that compass!
Your view of the silo as a giant suppository is hysterical 😃😃😄
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Thanks, Jan. I wonder how many orders they’ll get for that compass. I hope they don’t forget my commission.
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Sounds like you know the perfect person to give it to. 😀 😀 Sorry about WorthLess.
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Perhaps I’ll write in him as a patient in a medical story.
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That’s some suppository. I hope the aliens appreciate it. Funny story.
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Anything to relieve the itching and burning.
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Hehehehe… no, wait, that’s not a proper comment. That’s some repository. The Aliens will love it, I’m sure. I love the compass and admire your restraint. When I write a rant, I’m usually not disciplined enough to hold it back. After it’s sent or posted, regrets set in. Your way is better. And the question? I can’t write at all when I’m unhappy. I need a somewhat relaxed state of mind. My mood doesn’t play much of a role, that usually improves through writing, because writing always takes me somewhere else.
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Good point. Writing does take us somewhere else, and that’s the beauty of it. It frees our mind and takes us to a place where the only restriction is the limits of our imagination.
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What a hoot! (And I love your technique of getting a rant off your chest, so to speak. Going to have to try it next time someone tries my patience!)
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I don’t get upset very often, but I think this form of payback will be most rewarding.
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Ah! That must be the suppository of truth they keep talking about.
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I suppose so, especially for those whose brain is located in that region of their body.
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