What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Mac’s Crash Diet
We have a new saying in our neighborhood. A day without rain is like . . . well, dry. We haven’t had a lot of those lately, but we haven’t grown webbed feet yet either.
Last week, Suzanne wrote about the monsoon season in India. According to my 7th grade Geography book that is supposed to be half-way around the world, not two miles down the road.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Coxswain of our rowboat of writers is I.B. Reddy Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Mac was famous for his voracious appetite.
Back in the old days, he’d devour entire villages and not put on a single pound. But once he reached middle-age, every chunky shopkeeper and donut-engorged policeman went straight to his waistline.
He auditioned for Jurassic World, hoping to land a meaty role he could really sink his teeth into.
“Sorry, Mac,” said the casting director. “You’re too wide for the screen.” Hollywood was looking for new, sleeker, futuristic-style monsters.
Frustrated, he started a new diet, limiting himself to one or two supermodels a week. Now, he can hide in Melissa McCarthy’s shadow.
49 Comments on “Mac’s Crash Diet”
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What's So Funny? 
LOL. Mac is ready for hollywood. Fun story.
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Yes, he’s reinventing himself. They’ll probably give him his own talk show.
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Funny! The line about the supermodels is brilliant. Still smiling, Alicia
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I’m glad you enjoyed it, Alicia.
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Big Mac is no longer a happy meal?
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No, Doc. Dieting is never fun, and I imagine those supermodels are quite bland compared to those of us who are a little more plump & tender.
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Aren’t supermodels negative calories, so eating just them should really help him lose weight? Great story, Russell. I always love your wit. Good for Mac, although I think he still could have fit into an IMAX feature.
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Good point, Dave. I like things that are negative calories. Too bad they don’t make a beer like that.
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What some will do for their 15 minutes of fame. Can’t blame him though. Mac can probably retire quite comfortably–and eat anything he likes. Maybe New Jersey?
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New Jersey would be fine, as long as he stays away from Gov. Christie. More calories than the whole state of Texas right there.
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You had to go there, didn’t you? 😉
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You set that one up for me, Patti. How could I not?
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Russell, good story and Mac is going to be rich, probably! Good job! Nan
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I suppose. Did you know know that Jared Fogle, the Subway spokesman, has a net worth of $15 million? Diets can make you wealthy.
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Dear Mac,
Perhaps I shouldn’t say it, but I think we can all hide in M. M.’s shadow…at one time. As always, your story hit the spot. I’d like a hot apple pie with that, please.
Shalom,
I.B. Reddy
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Thanks, I. B. I felt a small twinge of guilt picking on M. M., but she’s a big girl and can handle it.
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I added the obligatory ba-dum tshh noise at the end there for you. I don’t think that Mac needed to slim down. Sounds like he was ideal for widescreen productions. Funny as ever Russell, funny as ever!
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Thanks for the drum roll and crash, Weltchy. Those casting directors can be so fickle.
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If that’s a picture of Mac as he looks now, I’d say he went a wee bit overboard on that diet. Hilarious, Russell. Yes, India is half way round the world from you. 😀 — Suzanne
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Those supermodels will do it to you every time. I’m glad I passed my geography test. Most of today’s high school seniors couldn’t even find the Mississippi River on a map if you stuck their feet in it.
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I’m sick of Hollywood establishing these unrealistic body expectations for monsters…
Funny stuff 🙂
Too wide for the screen – great line.
KT
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Thanks, KT. Who wants to be eaten by a skin & bones monster with sunken eyes and hollow cheeks?
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Looking good, Mac. Svelte and sleek. Don’t worry, they’ll make another Jurassic sequel (or six)…Hollywood has a very limited fund of ideas.
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You’re right, Dave. There seems to be a real shortage of creative ideas in that town.
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Zero figure 🙂
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Perhaps he’s been drinking Coke Zero too. Aspartame can’t be good for monsters.
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🙂
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Clearly Mac’s never hear of the Paleo diet.
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Nope, he’s a carnivore, not Euell Gibbons.
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Well, I just hope poor Mac doesn’t turn into an anorexic. He’s looking a little thin here. He’s scarier than any dinosaur. He has a distinctive look. Maybe they can create a special role just for him! As always, you’re such a hoot, Russell.
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Yeah, he’s starting to take on that supermodel physique.
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i can imagine miss mccarthy’s heaving a sigh of relief. she’s too big to be his dinner.
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I wondered where that huge gust of wind came from.
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Good story!
Those small towns can really be carb-laden–especially the cops. In addition to the supermodels, he could snack on some politicians; they are composed primarily of hot air (except for their fat heads).
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Good point, Jan. Only problem is they are low on fiber. We don’t want Mac to get constipated.
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He looks undernourished now and needs to feed. Hopefully Indian is off the menu.
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He loves Indian, especially when seasoned with curry.
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Sorry, you’re too wide for the screen….that was a scream. Fun as always! And it’s. Nice and dry here in Seattle…go figure.
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It’s nice to see you, Erin. We’d be happy to share some rain with you. We’re at about 14 inches for the month of May.
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Supermodels are definitely the best diet food! Very amusing story. 🙂
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Similar to pretzel sticks, except with a lower sodium content.
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Laughing too much to add something witty. Poor Mac. All he needs now is a bit of plastic surgery and a few botox shots, and he can proudly call himself a monster.
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Yes, wider lips might help his image.
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Love it! The Super-model diet – where can I buy a copy?
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Monsters Inc.com
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Could you say that his chances turned slim… 🙂
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True, but then again he could become Melissa McCarthy’s new co-star.
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Isn’t that ironic what we all have in common? I limit myself to one or two supermodels a week as well! I’ve heard you do the same. Any more than that would be too much fantasizing even for me. Very funny writing, Russell!
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Very funny story. I have to applaud Mac’s efforts – I do like my monsters lean and wiry.
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