What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Burning Down the House
Following the example set forth by our fearless leader, I went back to the archives of October 2012 for this relic. Sandra and a couple of others have read it, but for most of today’s FFF participants it will be a new journey down the path of crude, juvenile humor.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Program Director for syndicating ancient blog posts is Desilu Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Hop Sing was insulted when Ben mounted a fire extinguisher on the kitchen wall. The grease fire had been small and posed no real threat to safety.
For years they had harassed, teased, and threatened his pig-tail. Now, he carefully plotted his revenge.
Donning heavy gloves, he diced a handful of Chi-Chien pods and stirred them into the beef stew he’d prepared for supper. Before leaving, he coated a bucket of corn cobs with Chi-Chien oil to stock the family outhouse.
“Cartwrights fight fire in big house and little house too.” Hop Sing laughed. “Fire extinguisher not put out flame”
65 Comments on “Burning Down the House”
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What's So Funny? 
Hilarious, Russell. 😀 Looks like Hop Sing has saved up his money and is retiring before they catch him. I bet the network wouldn’t air an episode like that one. It would probably be the hit of the season, though. In a ratings war, they might. 😀 — Suzanne
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Yes, it would make for a lively season finale.
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Too funny by half Russell. Too funny by half. Loved it!
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Thanks, Weltchy.
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LOL. …. And there is no way his plan can back-fire 🙂
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They probably won’t be able to sit in the saddle for a while either. Definitely a premeditated payback.
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🙂 Not a pretty thought. A real bonanza though.
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Remember how that map used to catch fire and burn at the start or end of Bonanza? Now, you know why. 🙂
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LOL. I like how your mind works.
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Me too, but I think we’re in the minority, Jackie.
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Some folks are really going to be hot at him! LOL (Cruel joke).
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Yes, if hadn’t left on his own they would have FIRED him (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).
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Hahaha!
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Oh I assume that the fire extinguisher will be used.. 🙂
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Or maybe they’ll install an ice water beday.
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wouldn’t that be too chili?
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Oh, you’re on a roll today, Bjorn. 🙂
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I loved that show. This is quite believable dialogue!
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Thanks, Dawn. It could have happened.
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You and your toilet humor! Fun stuff, Russell. Thanks for the amusing trip down memory lane.
All my best,
MG
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Instead of potty-mouth it’s potty-mind, right?
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Hope some iceberg salad helps to extinguish the fire !
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You’ve heard the express, burning the candle at both ends? Well, this is burning the Cartwrights at both ends.
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Dear Hop Sing,
Fire in the hole! Fire in the Hole! Loved it then, love it now.
Shalom,
Desilu
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Ha! Just like that ride at Silver Dollar City. Thanks, Desilu.
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Seems like lots of water and soothing cream will be needed. Clever one/
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A bucket of ice chips might come in handy.
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Is the little house the “out house?” Serve ’em right! Those Cartwright men could use a good whoopin’!
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Well, those hot peppers ought to blister their fannies.
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Like sittin’ on a cactus after bein’ dragged bare-arsed through a gravel-pit, wouldn’t ya say, Partner?
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You paint a painful visual image, Lorna. I love it. 🙂
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Marvelous, riotous fun!
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Glad you had a riot, Karen.
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Ouch. Talk about ring of fire. 😉
Big chuckle once again!
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Yes, it’s a burning thing.
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Do not insult the cook! I mean really, teasing him about his hair too. They deserve the heat, and all the other acts Hop Sing can imagine. Maybe he originated the ‘spit’ in the food for rude customers? Funny, thanks for the read!
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Thank you for reading and leaving such a nice comment.
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what can i say? i hope the family has enough insurance to cover the damage. 🙂
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Let’s hope there’s a burn treatment center near Virginia City.
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I’m afraid I’m just too young to remember Bonanza (is that what it was called?) with its
patriarch Ben Cartwright played by gray-haired Canadian Jew Lorne Greene and Victor Sen Yung as Hop Sing, Victor Sen Yung having been a more prominent actor in the 40’s appearing in the role of Charlie Chan’s No. 2 son and co-starring in at least one movie with Humphrey Bogart. And of course I know nothing of Michael Landon who played Little Joe Cartwright and who came from nearby Collingswood NJ (in fact I used to work there) and who began his career in a film called “I was a Teenage Werewolf.” So I’m sorry, Russell, I’m just too young to comment on your post. Now, if only you had written about “Howdy Doody.”
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I was afraid there would be those in my audience who were too young to relate to a television series that ran from 1959 to 1973. Maybe next time I’ll do a take-off on Baywatch and have one of the female lifeguards give mouth-to-mouth to a middle-aged Jewish man who faked drowning. You won’t want to miss that one, Perry.
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Very funny! Bonanza used to be the only show my parents let me watch – and I had to do it at the neighbors because we had no T.V. NO kidding, it broke one day. Too bad. So sad. Thanks fro the reminder of a most fun show. Great take.
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We had a black & white, but with limited options – 2 or 3 channels max. Everything was westerns, Gunsmoke, Bonanza, Have Gun Will Travel, etc. In the afternoons, I always watched Rocky & Bullwinkle, whom I will always blame for my warped sense of humor. 🙂
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Ooh, don’t mess with the man! Something tells me Cartwright won’t ever forget this fire in the little house. Too funny, Russell, as always. Hop Sing reminds of this local restaurant and now…I’m kind of hungry.
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Just looking at a kitchen makes me hungry. Thanks for stopping by, Amy.
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Given me a laugh and taken me back in time simultaneously. I had a huge crush on Adam. He also was in a show where he was a rodeo rider but no-one but me has any memory of it. Thanks for the fun.
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Adam was a handsome young man. I can’t remember why he left the show. He might have thought the grass was greener, but the truth is, you still have to mow it.
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LOL
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Hop Sing, more like Hop Sting. 😜
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Good call, Erin.
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Ouch, that makes me cringe in anticipated sympathy, although I’m not saying they didn’t deserve it. It’s going to be a long night for the Cartwrights, I think.
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A hot time at the Ponderosa tonight.
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Chi chien is presumably like Dorest Nagas? Revenge served hot.
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Double hot. Can you imagine the burn from passing them, then the burn from the oil-soaked cob? It’s a double whammy. 🙂
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Being really young I had to google Hop Sing to discover the cultural allusion (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hop_Sing) but I like how your mind works with the revenge plot. Fire inside is indeed harder to put out.
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Glad the message came through.
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Dear Russell, Hop Sing – that brings back such fond memories – didn’t know he had a ornery streak in him! Just fantastic! Nan
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The producers like to refer to this one as “the lost episode.”
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Great fun, Russell. Those Cartwright men were pretty hot stuff anyway.
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Yeah, but falling in love with one was the kiss of death. Every time one of them met a girl they liked, she died before the end of the episode.
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I never thought of Hop Sing as a vengeful person. You really are an “inside job.”
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Everyone has their breaking point. At least their injuries won’t be permanent.
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I had to google corn cobs and outhouse, and your story has filled me with a previously unknown level of appreciation for the 21st century.
Gold. One of your best.
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Thanks for the kind words, KT. Yes, toiletries have come a long way from the days of corn cobs and Sears & Roebuck catalogs.
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lol, you’re hilarious!!
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