What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Baby, It’s Cold Down Here
We’re experiencing an unusual weather pattern in the Ozarks this summer. Normally, this time of year we are bombarded with torrential downpours of blistering sunshine and drought so severe that trees are chasing dogs in hopes of finding some much needed liquid refreshment.
The temperature still hovers near 100, but El Swampo has brought rain two or three times a week. Now, we have to carry a chainsaw everywhere we go just to cut through the humidity on our way from the house to the car and vice versa. If this continues, I may have to take an additional bath between now and Christmas.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the author who serves up more historical fiction than her namesake does fruit salad is Carmen Miranda Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Satan felt a draft.
“Dameon, get in here,” he bellowed. “Where is all this cold air coming from? Some of our condemned souls are getting downright comfortable. The serial killers and pedophiles are cracking jokes about sweaters and coats. Sinners are even questioning my ability to maintain a tortuous environment.”
“We believe the source of the problem is a woman named Sharon Cox, Your Evilness.”
“Hmm…, didn’t we break her heart a few years ago?”
“Yes, My Lord, and she vowed Hell would freeze over before she fell in love again.”
“Well…?”
“It appears she has met someone special, Sire.”
____________________________________________________
I hope you don’t think I’m going soft just because I added a hint of romance to this week’s story. After seeing the photo, I felt like an idiom, especially in the wake of all the great comments from two weeks ago.
And no, Perry, I will not give you Ms. Cox’s phone number or email address.
61 Comments on “Baby, It’s Cold Down Here”
I'd love to hear from you
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 
We have humidity issues up in Wisconsin, too. Sometimes we have to chew the air before breathing in.
LikeLike
Ha! I can relate. Chew, swallow, repeat. Thanks for dropping by, Dan.
LikeLike
LOL!
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike
Hella funny!
LikeLike
You don’t mince words, do you Doc?
LikeLike
I’ve always wondered what would happen as hell began to freeze, and exactly who would make it happen. Kudos!
LikeLike
Inquiring minds have often asked that question. Glad I could shed some light on the subject. I’m sure Beelzebub will do all he can to break up the happy couple.
LikeLike
Hilarious, Russell. People are going to have to find something else to make vows about. I guess there’s still the issue of pigs flying. Well done. 😀 — Suzanne
LikeLike
Flying pigs, bears who refuse to poop in the woods, and purses made from a goat’s moustache. Oops, I guess I got that last one wrong. Glad you enjoyed it, Suzanne.
LikeLike
Macabre, romantic and funny and all in just a few words. You clever man, you.
LikeLike
No one’s ever accused me of being clever before. Thank you, Lily.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I speak only the truth. I really do enjoy reading your flash fiction. 🙂
LikeLike
I find your blog extremely humorous as well.
LikeLike
Dear Dameon,
If it weren’t for the weather what would we have to talk about…sex? I’m laughing my fruit off.
Shalom,
Carmen
LikeLike
Dear Carmen,
Careful with the fruit. We were planning to use that in the Sangria.
– Dameon
LikeLike
Hilarious! 😀 Though I must say, happy that Sharon met someone. Even if Hell is getting a little nippy. 😛
PS: The historical fiction could be tastier than the fruit salad.
LikeLike
Satan can always put on a mohair coat. The cool temperatures are rough on his reputation though.
LikeLike
Very funny, Russell. Sharon is one special lady. How about some fruit with that humidity? Oh, maybe not. Sorry about that. Humidity is the worst. Stay cool!
LikeLike
I’m worried about fruit flies infesting the Sangria. Yuk!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good one! No flashers in the woods for the moment then, thanks to Sharon.
LikeLike
Who would see them in the woods–a bear? We need our flashers out in the open.
LikeLike
Love conquers all.
You big softy Russell!
LikeLike
I knew someone would nail me. Pretty soon, you’ll be calling me Russell the Romance Writer. How am I ever going to live this one down?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. Remember Pedro the Shipwright!
LikeLike
Awww…Russell, I just loved this!
LikeLike
Gee, I hope this doesn’t ruin my bad reputation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Funny “hint of romance” this week. The devil made you do it, right?
LikeLike
I guess so, Honie. He gets blamed for everything else.
LikeLike
This is a really good one, Russell. I enjoyed your intro too. Here in Kansas City we are also having flood issues, but that happens pretty regularly here. I got a giggle out of “trees chase dogs.” I can see that happening, what with those scary trees from Wizard of Oz and all. Being from Kansas, I didn’t see a tree until I was 12 or so, and they do rather creep me out.
LikeLike
Just the opposite here. I was an adult before I ever saw flat country, and to be honest, I find it rather scary. Glad you like the “trees chasing dogs” analogy. It doesn’t get much dryer than that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wish women had that kind of power! 😉 And if Hell has frozen over, I might not mind taking a trip down there (if they’d have me, that is…I’m kind of angelic, so I might not qualify). 😉
I think everyone is experiencing wacko weather patterns this year. It’s been hot and sunny since May up here in the supposedly cool, gloomy Pacific NW. In my former home of upstate NY, they feel lucky if the sun comes out and the temps rise above 70.
LikeLike
I’ve experienced the “Ice Woman” treatment before. It was not pleasant. You do have an angelic look, but I can see the mischievousness in your eyes. 🙂 I bet you’re quite the prankster.
One good thing about the weather in Arkansas, it changes about every three days.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, yes, the cold shoulder…it knows no gender bounds (unlike the evil eye–women kind of have the market on that one).
If you see any devilishness in my eyes, it’s only in terms of trying to be clever. I never was a prankster. As I said, too angelic for hooliganistics!
Lastly, this is the only place I’ve lived where that old adage about not liking the weather and just waiting for (fill in the blank for a time period) DOESN’T hold. It’s very consistent up here. At least it is by season. And we are in the hot, sunny, dry season. I’m waiting for the other season: cool, gray, damp! 🙂
LikeLike
LOL. Hilarious, and imaginative, I love it when you go romantic. And your intro: why did you have to send the scorching heat and drought our way? We’re just not used to 100+ temperatures here (according to my unit converter). Now, if there was an ocean, and a nice beach, and no work where I live… alas!
LikeLike
Yes, I wish we had a beach too, or at least a sand bar without mosquitos.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your story is good, no need to feel like an …
Oh, sorry, idiom.
Okay, just moving away quietly, Mick.
LikeLike
Ha, I often feel like an idiom. They’re fun to throw around.
LikeLike
Are you sure that, like midget-tossing, this insensitive pastime is not illegal where you are?
LikeLike
It could be, but we do have cow-chip tossing contests. Just make sure they’ve been properly dried first.
LikeLike
I dunno what’s funnier… your intro or your story!
One must be careful when one makes one’s vows… and apparently Satan has lost his touch!
LikeLike
In the longer version, Sharon has a higher power on her side. Satan will ultimately lose.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah! Love it!
LikeLike
Jocular remarks about excessive heat are far too near the knuckle down here in Tenerife, where the weather is similar to that of our nearest neighbour, Africa.
Nice story, though. Don’t overdo the baths.
LikeLike
Anything over 2 per year and the neighbors will accuse me of being uppity.
LikeLike
I don’t know who this lady is but am impressed by the fact that she can bring about climate change even in hell. Great intro and story 🙂
LikeLike
Well, let’s just say she has someone pretty powerful on her side.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Once Sharon’s honeymoon period fades, I’m sure that things will heat up again down below, Russell.
We had some wicked horrible heat and humidity up here last Sunday through Tuesday. Milton had to carry spare shirts and a towel.
LikeLike
Satan may have to kick in another furnace or two.
Sounds like Milton needs to invest in one of those little battery powered fan/misters. You know it’s hot when you have to start carrying a change of clothes with you.
LikeLike
Good for Sharon (Who she anyhow?) and the power of …
LikeLike
She’s president of the Lonely Hearts Club.
LikeLike
Top stuff this week. Also: *Satan felt a draft.* may be one of the best opening lines I’ve read in a long, long time.
LikeLike
Thanks, KT, I appreciate that. Sometimes a short sentence works best.
LikeLiked by 1 person
An extra bath? Don’t think so with the water shortage. You’re going to need Plan B–like a wet vac to remove the moisture in the air. Have a great week!
LikeLike
Good point. Maybe I’ll get one of those little towelettes from the BBQ place and wipe down with that.
LikeLike
What a lovely, romantic story. You really are getting soft. Get a grip, man!!!!
LikeLike
I was think of submitting it to True Romance. What do you think? Am I a Harlequin kind of guy?
LikeLike
I like the new layout!
How unfortunate for Satan. Hopefully he can make a sinner out of her special someone. Either that or buy a decent HVAC.
LikeLike
Thanks, Jackie. Glad you like the new look.
I think Satan is in the market for a new 20 megaton gas furnace. He starts shivering when the temp drops below 250F.
LikeLike
Dear Russell, You are so darn funny – you make – a – me laugh! What a great story! Sorry I haven’t been around lately – been busy. Nan
LikeLike
It’s good to see you back. We’ve missed you.
LikeLike