What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
American Nose Pickers
Come with me, if you will, to a parallel universe created within the twisted mind of a sick humorist. A journey that will challenge your imagination and catapult you to a place where you can not only Pick your Friends and Pick your Nose, but can also Pick your Friend’s Nose.
A tale too long for its own good. So gross and disgusting that you will be tempted to repeatedly fire a squirt gun in one ear in hopes of flushing the wretched images from your mind. A fable that can only come from the deep recesses of that black-hole of juvenile humor known as the Half-Wit Zone.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the executive producer of our program is the acclaimed artist and author Rodette Serling Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
(cellphone rings)
“Hey Xanielle, whaddaya have for us?”
“There’s a guy off I-476 with a proboscis you could park a ’48 Packard in. He’s been collecting antique glassware for forty years and he’s ready to unload both nostrils.”
“What’s his name?”
“Karl Jimmy Durante Malden Streisand.”
“Any old rock-glass Shabbat sets in there?”
“Spike, why must you assume everyone with a cavernous honker is Jewish?”
(minutes later, they pull into a driveway)
“You must be Karl. I’m Hank and this is Spike. We’re pickers. Quite a schnoz you’ve got there. Mind if we poke around a bit?”
“Nah, go ahead.”
[100 WORD WARNING – LIMIT ACHIEVED – PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK]
“Wow, look at this Spike. An early 1950s Mobil gas pump with Pegasus on the globe.”
“Cool. What about this, Karl? It hard to tell with all the dried mucus, but it looks like a Mercury space capsule.”
“Yeah, that’s the one John Glenn orbited the earth in back in ’62.”
“This place is packed. What made you decide to part with some of this stuff?”
“It’s getting hard to breathe.”
________________________________________________________________
For those of you not in the know, today’s offering is a parody of the television show American Pickers. Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz scour America is search of antiques hidden in barns, basements, and nasal cavities (just kidding). Their cohort, Danielle, runs the store, Antique Archaeology, while the guys are on the road. She also calls them frequently with updates of possible sellers and new picking locations.
41 Comments on “American Nose Pickers”
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Watch for these guys, Larry. I hear they’re coming to your house next.
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LOL – Great job in discovering a new line of work : picking other’s nose. It’s not a job that can be outsourced !
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I’m not so sure about that. If I hear of an opening for a professional nose picker, I’ll give you a call.
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Heehee, great take on the TV show. I like the fact that both the endings (achieved limit and final ending) work really well.
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Thanks, Lily. I couldn’t believe the breaking point landed at exactly 100 words, but there was no way I could stop without working mucus in somewhere.
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Catapulted. Seriously.
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Need to borrow a squirt gun?
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Dear Spike,
Make that two squirt guns…or maybe a squirt Uzi. Durante Malden Streisand had me rolling. Due to your word limit indiscretion you’ll be fined a penny for each word and the word count police are taking possession of your alphabet soup until further notice.
Submitted with disapproval,
Shalom from another dimension,
Rodette
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Dear Rodette
Sounds like Connie and I will be living on Ramen noodles for a while. That payroll deduction is going to hurt. But not as bad as the loss of alphabet soup. Oh well, she picks out all the Xs and Zs anyway.
– Spike
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Oh dear! You may have just ruined one of my favorite shows for me–forever. But I’ll forgive you–that’s just how kind I am.
Cheers!
MG
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Thank you, MG. Forgiveness is divine.
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As always your flashes are some of my favorites! At least you weren’t saving farts in the colorful bottles, but hey maybe next time. Picking noses, or picking junk, you need a shower afterwards no matter what! 🙂 thanks for the laughs!
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So, it’s true? You CAN save them? I bet you have to be quick with a cork.
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I’ve only seen American Pickers once – that was enough. You caught its true essence in this delightful piece. Plus the line-up of famous noses . . .What a hoot! (Have you permanently changed the look of your blog? I like it!) Alicia
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The same plastic surgeon who worked on Karl Jimmy Durante Malden Streisand’s nose worked on my blog. It looks and feels larger, don’t you think?
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Dear Russell, I watch this show sometimes – it is very interesting. Love your “Picking of the Nose” rants!
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Sorry Marie Gail – I am still dazed and confused. Nan
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Thanks, Nan. Hey, watch it. Get your finger away from my schnoz.
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Russell, years ago, I saw that Mercury space capsule when the Smithsonian had a traveling exhibition. I can say with authority that it was definitely not coated in dried mucous. That had to be Skylab trapped in that honker.
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Skylab? Cool. We can hold a party in there. Just don’t ask Karl to bring the dip.
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Grief man, what orifice will you be exploring next? No… don’t tell me. Just warn me. And happy new website! 🙂 Love it.
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Don’t tempt me, Sandra. There are still a few orifices where I have not boldy gone – YET.
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I am amused to see that Ms Rodette already fined you… you are walking a crazy line mister! I know the show, but was lost in your infinitely amusing world. Not a bad place to be lost. 😉
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Yes, I got pulled over by the word police. I was typing so fast I didn’t even see her, then BAM, she caught me. This ain’t going to look good on my record.
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Indeed. 😉
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Well, you warned us. .. I have to go and reload my squirt gun.
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Yep, but you wouldn’t listen . . . kept right on reading.
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I don’t understand half of it, and still laugh. TV shows… I love that you use the word proboscis, and the whole idea of that out-of-this-world nose containing all these treasures. Squirt guns wash of mucus, too. And I like the new layout, too.
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At least you go the squirt guns part. That’s the key line.
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Ewwww! I think I squinted through the whole 100 words and then some.
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Time to get some new glasses. Unless, of course, you meant to say “squirted”
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Hilarious and way out. I think this is out farther than any “zone” I’ve ever known, Russell. You outdid yourself this time. I love the new look of your blog.
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This is a little deeper into the Half-Wit Zone than I usually take my readers. But I thought it was time you had a real adventure.
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I’ll have you know I have a very small nose — many call it dainty — that could fit very little besides a Buick. Alright it’s a little bit large. Okay it’s a bit on the enormous side except for the dainty part that’s at my knees. Very funny piece as always despite the disgusting aspects. Good use of the word “proboscis.”
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Well, Pinocchio, you did drop by. I was beginning to think you had abandoned me. I threw in a few disgusting aspects just for you. No extra charge.
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So funny. How do you ever think of such ideas?
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Just lucky I guess. Glad you enjoyed it, Margaret.
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You’re probably certifiable.
Good piece.
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You’re not the first to say that, Mick. 🙂
JB Hogan mentioned it when writing the blurb for the back of my book. It almost pushed my sales into double digits.
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Over the limit but still fine pickings. Nobody nose what’s inside these things.
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