What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Killer Whales Attack KC
As a fledgling writer, I was often chastised for the use of “weak” verbs. My sentences were the proverbial 67 lb. weaklings who got sand kicked in their face by the bullies at the critique group.
Then I heard about Damitol. You may remember ads for this wonderful product (see below). Just one Damitol tablet before writing and my sentences come roaring out ready to kick the crap out of the harshest critic who dared challenge the strength of my verbs. Trust me, if a two-bit hack like me can earn the respect of editors and publishers, imagine what it can do for you.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Verb & Noun Tamer of our 100 Word Circus is Hermione Melville Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Kansas City, MO – A pod of Killer Whales came ashore earlier this week, leaving in their wake a path of destruction from Riverside to Kauffman Stadium.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Missouri Wildlife Officer Ishmael Starbuck. “Why they chose to target the mid-west is difficult to fathom.”
Biologist Ahab Queequeg sites addiction as the cause. “The leader of the pod, Toby Dick, is obsessed with purple. He’s been known to devour tons of grapes, plums, and even listen to Purple Rain (sick bastard).”
The pod appears to be headed for the sleepy bedroom community of Belton, the internationally recognized epicenter of Purple.
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43 Comments on “Killer Whales Attack KC”
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What's So Funny? 
Killer whales in Missouri. Yikes! I’d better call my cousin. You never fail to amuse me, Russell, thank you.
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Tell your cousin to move everything purple out of the house. Glad you were amused. Take two Damitols and call me in the morning.
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Looks like the Damitol is working! But don’t take too much. The side effects are hellacious. Writer’s Crap is the most common.
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You got that right, Lorna. Sometimes I’m knee deep in Writer’s Crap.
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And there’s also inconsonants to worry about if you take too much of that medication. Those darned side-effects!
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I hate when that happens.
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LOL – Killer whales addicted to purple!
Peddling Damitol on the side nowadays eh Russell?
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Yes, we’re running a special this week. Order two bottles and pay for four. You won’t find a deal like that on the internet.
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I planned to give you 9 out of 10 for this funny piece until I perceived that you were in fact mocking our majestic leader, guiding light and inspiration.
So I will give you 11.
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I’m flattered, C.E.
Thankfully, our majestic leader is good natured. In one previous episode I had her locked up in a treatment center for her addiction to purple.
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I am killing myself laughing here, Russell! I swear, you are nuts! And I keep coming back for more. What’s better? The intro or the story? I hadn’t heard the Damitol thing in ages. Thanks for bringing it back!
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Damitol may not make my writing any better, but it sure gives me plenty of who-gives-a-damn courage.
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Which is great! I’m gonna start taking me some!
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I fell foooorrrr The Leader of the Pod. Love that bad-boy attitude, but Purple? Must have been the Damitol. I guess the whales had to move inland, seeing as how the east coast is already taken by the sharks.
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visiting south Kansas City is a pilgrimage for those addicted to Purple. It’s their Mecca.
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Aha!
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Always get two for the price of one when I visit your site. Couldn’t get the Damitol clip to work but I think I got the idea. 🙂
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I’m sure you got the picture Sandra, even without the video. You strike me as a Damitol type of girl.
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Funny! Fortunately I don’t own any purple stuff. I love the name “Ishmael Starbuck” 🙂
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I picked two names from Moby Dick and stuck them together. It would make a good name for a pet.
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Great imagination and strong verbs. Keep taking those pills. Your readers appreciate it!
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Got to keep the readers happy, damn it.
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Dear Ishmael,
I could have sworn I left a comment earlier but the killer whales must have deleted it. At first I thought that was a real advertisement but you can imagine my distraction with the prospect of killer whale attacking my sleepy little community. I cried ’til I laughed. 😉 Oh I found an online source for Damitol and I’m going to buy a case. I hope this comment reaches you.
Shalom from my purple haze,
Hermoine
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Dear Hermione,
Have Jan break out the whale repellant and perhaps get a couple of harpoons ready. I can just hear you screaming, “Thar she blows!” as a lavender spray spews from Toby’s blowhole. You’ll love the Damitol, just look out for the side effects.
– Ishmael
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All the best whales and humans are addicted to purple! And some of us, meaning you, are far better at word play than the rest of us! Nice job, Russell! 😉
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Oh, Thank you, Dawn. I’ll give you thirty minutes to stop saying stuff like that.
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I don’t back down easily mister! 😉
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I can’t even… Teheheheh. You are a master in ‘every word counts’. Making people chuckle from word to word, that is an art.
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I’m glad you got a chuckle. Feedback like that makes me smile.
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By the end of your story, I was thanking the Powers That Be that I live all the way across the state line from Belton. It may also help that Olathe is the epicenter of all things turquoise. Will our dear Rochelle escape the wrath of the great orca on the lam?
Cheers!
MG
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I think it’s killer lemmings that feed on turquoise. Better keep an eye out for those.
Poor Rochelle has a way of staying neck deep in peril.
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Some purple prose here. The inland invasion is a lovely little conceit. When I am old I will wear yellow (apols to Jenny Joseph.)
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I bet you look good in yellow, Patrick.
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Good one Russell!
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Thank you, Dawn.
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Haha! I bet that Damitol had the potential to be addictive. Uh oh! They must be headed for Rochelle’s blog next. Oh, this is so funny and clever. Is Toby cousins with Moby? A relative perhaps? Great story, Russell.
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You guessed right, Amy. Toby is related to Moby. I hope he doesn’t bite off a chunk of her keyboard.
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Nothing worse than Killer Whales on the loose… hmm is there a Whalemart somewhere close.
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I think I saw some harpoons at a garage sale.
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Well, good! I’m here in PA and I don’t even know where Riverside and Kauffman Stadium are. I think Rochelle may in a little greater danger … Wait! I see. So then you and I will take over Friday Fictioneers and our fame and fortune is assured! How much does she get paid anyway? Oh. Call off the sharks.
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Yes, we’d be famous as the guys who killed a great institution. With us in charge, Friday Fictioneers would plummet like an anvil falling out of an airplane.
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Another funny one, Russell. I’m sorry to hear about your traumatic verbal experiences. Some writers would never get over criticism like that. You’re an inspiration.
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I would have never made it without the Damitol.
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