What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Walmartian Tour, 2012 (reprise)
I’ve been accused of a lot of things in the past three years. Putting gum in Janet’s hair, planting a whoopee cushion in Sandra’s seat, and singing Buck owens’ “I’ve Got A Tiger By Tail,” at the top of my lungs until the bus driver was ready duct tape my mouth shut.
Sure, the wheels on this bus go round & round all over the globe, but there’s no way I’m singing “99 Bottles of Purified Water.”
Some people get to their destination and hop off, new riders get on, and the journey continues. One thing’s for certain, “We’re not there yet.”
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the driver of this bus, starting her 4th year of service, is Ralphetta Kramden Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Their bags were packed and tucked safely in the storage compartment. His and hers spandex tights, pink stilettos, size forty-two thong underwear, weed-whacker shredded T-shirts, leopard print Cougar-wear, and two large bins of hair color, styling gel, and assorted make-up.
“A quarter of a million people applied for this year’s team,” said Bob Grossman, talent coordinator.
“The competition was extremely stiff. It’s not enough just to dress tacky or obscene. Bad taste and poor judgment comes naturally to some people, but sinking to this level requires hard work and dedication.
“We appreciate the Friday Fictioneers promoting the tour,” said Grossman.
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In response to Ralphetta’s question, the 100 word limit of FFF has taught me analyse each word of every sentence in order to condense a full-length story into brain fart. The highest compliment I ever received was from former fictioneer, Linda Vernon, who once said, “Russell’s writing is tighter than Kim Novak’s face.”
Thanks to all who have read my nonsense and chose to click the “follow” button. And a special thanks to Ralphetta for keeping the bus between the ditches.
63 Comments on “Walmartian Tour, 2012 (reprise)”
Leave a reply to Suzanne Joshi Cancel reply
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 
Dear Norton,
I do remember this story. I mean who can forget a size 42 thong? Some mental images can’t be unseen. It has been a wild ride and I’ve never regretted assuming the driver’s seat….well…er…um…there was the time…or then…okay, so maybe a regret or two here and there. 😉
Maybe this will be the year I’ll give you back your joybuzzer…or not.
Shalom and to da moon,
Ralphetta
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Dear Ralphetta,
You’ve done an outstanding job driving the bus, even if we did have to scoot the seat up and order platform shoes so your feet could reach the pedals. Can’t wait to see you wearing to raccoon cap on the cover on your next historical fiction novel, “Call me Daisy Crockett.”
Well, back to the sewer,
Norton
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Laughing so hard here… you kill me!
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Brilliant! I’d better be careful what I wear!
Rosey Pinkerton’s blog
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Yep, the paparazzi with cellphones are everywhere.
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You have certainly painted some unforgettable images here. I love these lines: “It’s not enough just to dress tacky or obscene. Bad taste and poor judgment comes naturally to some people, but sinking to this level requires hard work and dedication.”
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I’m glad that part worked for you. People just don’t appreciate how hard those folks work to look like that.
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Russell, like a size forty-two thong, your writing takes fiction to places few can go. Your humor is more than skin deep, more than mere wise cracking, and more appreciated than you can imagine. Thanks for the laughs.
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Alright, Honie, enough talk about thongs and cracks. It might be getting close to lunch time for some of our readers. I’m glad you found it amusing.
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You started it. 😛
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So I did. Touche’ 🙂
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Just tucking my thong underwear back under the sofa cushion… Nice story!
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Thanks, Claire.
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For once I’m really glad that the picture did not reflect the true representation of the story… It sounds partly like a whale-safari.
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Me too. Some things are better off left to the imagination. Sounds like you’ve got a good one.
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I just missed getting on the team, but only just. I’m trying again next year – picked up some ideas from the Kardashian catalogue.
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Good for you, Patrick. I bet you make the cut next year.
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Maybe I should go shopping. Weed-whacker shredded t-shirts sound oddly intriguing. Fun story, but how do I get these pictures out of my head?
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I hope it doesn’t give you nightmares.
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Congratulations, Russell. This piece has not only reached the hilarious level, but even the hilarious tacky level. That really takes dedication and hard work. I can only dream of such glory. It sounds like a jolly group to travel with. However, how anyone could sit for that length of time with a thong on is beyond me. Any alien capturing such a person must think it’s a torture devise. Well written. 😀 — Suzanne
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Just think of those thongs in terms of floss. Now, I’m grossing myself out.
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Size 42 thong, now there’s a challenge. But honestly, one that we’ve come to expect from Walmartians.
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Absolutely, Dave. You’ve got to admire their creativity.
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I was already chuckling when I came to Bjorn’s comment and then it morphed into full-fledged laughter. Still trying to get the gum out, Russ, and thanks for all the laughs. I’m going to go scrub my brain of the monster thong image…if at all possible. Gum was preferable.
janet
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Sorry about the gum, Janet. Sometimes my juvenile side just gets the best of me.
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How you’re able to write these consistently witty and inspired FFF posts based on these consistently meh photos never ceases to amaze me, Russell. I think there should be an award for writing that is tighter than Kim Novak’s face. Call it the Russell.
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Awww, what a nice thing to say, V. That would be much preferable to having adult diapers named after you.
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Out of all my favorite lines, this is my VERY favorite. Thanks for yet another smile, Russell.
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That’s very flattering, Alicia. (blush)
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Can you source me a tartan thong in a slightly larger size, please, Russ?
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Sure, you’d be surprised how far a half-a-yard of cloth goes with a little elastic and a couple of safety pins.
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Slightly larger?
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In case my alter ego wants to borrow it, of course.
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Ahhh…so kind of you to think of him…
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Lord have mercy… This takes the whole “Birdcage” or “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” to a whole ‘nother level… How much do they charge to just sit in the audience?
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It’s an interactive audience, Dale. So be prepared to participate.
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😀 Now I’m scared….
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I think there are shows on FOX like this, although I haven’t watched it in a while. Great story.
-David
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Yeah, I think it’s called the “Political Debates.” There are some strange birds on that show.
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I like that you didn’t spell it out in the story. At first, I thought it was going to be a cross-dressing tour, then I re-read the title. A very fun take on the picture.
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Ah, so you’ve been to Walmart and seen some of these people firsthand.
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I try not to fall into easy-to-mock line of thought regarding Walmart. I am certain Karma would ensure I would find myself in one of those pictures as a ‘what not to wear, frazzled mom’ object lesson.
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I miss a lot of your references, being a Brit, but I never stop laughing when I come here. If it’s not your prologue or the story itself, it’s the comments that follow. I’ve no idea whether a size 42 thong is a good thing or a bad thing, but thongs certainly ain’t what they used to be. BTW, the dog was chuffed about the whoopee cushion; seems to think it lets him off the hook in some way.
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Well, let’s start with the basics. Thong underwear consists of a strip of cloth approx. the width of your finger that runs up and down the butt crack like dental floss. Size 42 would fit an adult elephant.
I had to look up chuffed, and now understand why the dog felt relieved.
I’m happy that you find visiting here fun. Often, the comments are the real jewels.
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well, i just hope that every piece of clothing, repeat, every piece of clothing is clean and meet grandma’s approval. otherwise, the smell would be ao awful inside the crowded bus. 🙂
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Good point. Also, what if they were in an accident?
You wouldn’t want the emergency room doctor to find skid marks on their thong.
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What a circus!
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Huurray, huurray, step right up. See the freaks. No admission. Just stop by your friendly neighborhood Walmart store.
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haha . “Bad taste and poor judgment comes naturally to some people, …” as does humor comes naturally to you …or do you have to work hard for it? Good one!
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Sinking to this level requires hard work and dedication. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Your writing is tighter than Kim Novak’s face, I second that! Your description in the first paragraph is flawless. What a wacky, witty bus we’re on!
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Yes, but what fun we’re having. And the best part has been meeting people like you.
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Aww, thanks Russell. Ditto!
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Poor lad likely travels too much! Hope he finds roots! Enjoyed!
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That’s why every Walmart store has the same floor plan, so he’ll feel at home no matter where he shops.
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That’s how the floor plan is the same at most Food Lions as well.
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This was perfect for this week!
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Thank you, Dawn.
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I can’t decide what i like more, the intro or the story. Both are amazingly entertaining, Russell. 😀
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You must be a Buck Owens fan. I know some Johnny Cash songs too. Wanna her ’em?
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😀
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Thong in Australia is summer footwear for going to the beach. Dem’s big feet to fill then 😉
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Hilarious. I must say I’m impressed by your fashion knowledge, but I’ve been on board this bus for just over a year now and I haven’t observed any bad taste or poor judgement. Hmm, come to think of it …
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