What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Rachel Crofton’s Black Friday Shopping Tips
Today’s guest blogger is the irrepressible Rachel Crofton.
I’ve created a list of pointers for those of you heading into Black Friday battle for the first time. Holiday shopping is physically and mentally demanding. It drains your energy in direct correlation with the amount of debt you accumulate during the Christmas season. That’s why it’s important to load up on as many bargains as possible, or as my husband would say, “Save until you’re broke.”
Here are a few tips to help accomplish that goal.
- Draw up a battle plan: Watch for sale circulars and TV ads featuring ridiculously low prices on items your family members claim to want but will never use. Read the fine print. Some stores have limited quantities. You’ll want to ransack them first. You can always sell the unappreciated gifts later at a garage sale for a fraction of the purchase price.
- Study the terrain: Most stores have a copy of their floor plan posted somewhere. If you can’t find one, scope it out in person. Pretend you’re a bank robber and “case the joint.” Jot down the aisle number of your prize and highlight the shortest route on your treasure map.
- Select the proper weapons: On this special day, I carry an oversize purse loaded with an eight-pound brick. Any hussy who tries to get between a limited-quantity, half-price treasure and me, is apt to experience a solid thud against the side of her head and not wake up until the day after Christmas. Shopping carts also make good weapons. I drive mine like a Monster Truck. Why bother going around obstacles when you can run over or through them? If some ditsy little schoolmarm tries to block the aisle, she can expect to have tracks across her back. I also recommend wearing pointed boots. These come in handy if you need to “accidently” trip someone or provide a swift kick in an unyielding body part that’s blocking your path.
- Dress appropriately: Ladies, this is not a fashion show. It’s more like a prison riot or the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Wear loose-fitting clothes that allow for ease of movement and hide bloodstains well. If you decide to put on make-up at such an ungodly hour, apply it boldly in war-paint fashion.
- Assume a Warrior attitude: This is not a game. The enemy plays for keeps. You can either strut to the car proudly displaying the spoils of war and receive a hero’s accolades on Christmas morn, or you can hang your head in shame while your loved one pretends to be excited about finding a sock monkey under the tree three years in a row.
- Celebrate Your Victory: It’s time to treat yourself. You arose at an hour when only garbage collectors and those who operate donut shops should be roaming the streets. You’ve earned every chipped-tooth and broken nail along the way. Calculate your savings. This is how much you get to spend on yourself.
Now, go out there and do yourself proud.
13 Comments on “Rachel Crofton’s Black Friday Shopping Tips”
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What's So Funny? 
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Here’s a few Black Friday Fitness Tips:
Wander aimlessly through every parking lot, preferably in the dark because fear burns more calories, while you try to find your car because you’ve been in the mail for what feels like 3 days and you’re hangry because you avoided all fast junk food and never stopped for the salad you meant to have at lunch because you were dodging the scary clowns at the Coney Island Dog, wrangling your family and doing hand to hand combat with other bargain shoppers.
Do 10 push ups every time your husband says, “Are we done yet?”
I think I’ll stay home,
Tracey
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I love your additions to the list, Tracey. In the longer version of this story, Rachel is clogging around the parking lot in the rain looking for her car. I don’t think she knows the meaning of the word fear. In fact, she’d probably strike terror in the hearts of any would be attackers.
I must confess, I’m one of those “Are we done yet?” husbands. Let’s hit two stores, stop by a restaurant for breakfast, and be back home by 7:30 am.
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I reposted my shopping tips from last year. You inspired me. Thank you Russell.
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I can’t wait to read them.
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ha ha . Good tips. I’ll make sure not to follow them 🙂
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You’re on your own then. Don’t say you weren’t forewarned.
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Hilarious! Simply hilarious.
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Glad you enjoyed it.
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I agree, Russell, er Rachel, hilarious. Either a woman could follow your directions or, if she has a relative who plays or played football, she could bargain with him to take her place. They’re used to rough opposition. She could split the profits with him. A wrestler would do just as well. 😀 — Suzanne
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Yes, it takes both physical and mental conditioning to excel at Black Friday Shopping. A few body slams and people tend to get out of your way and allow you free range of the store.
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While some stores in the US are refusing to open for Black Friday or Thanksgiving, here in Canada so many are starting to open or have “Black Friday Sales”… hellooooo? Our Thanksgiving was in October!! And now I work for Pier 1… can I tell you how scared I am of the upcoming Thursday?
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It just gets earlier every year. Some stores here are opening on Thursday evening and Walmart has moved Cyber Monday up to Sunday to get the jump on the competition. I did see one ad I liked last night, Small Store Saturday. This one promotes little family-owned businesses. These shops often carry unique and interesting items (like my book?) and offer friendly, personal service.
I’ll be praying for your safety on Thursday, Dale. Better wear a helmet and some shin guards.
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It doesn’t get as insane as in the U.S., thankfully, but it is still a ridiculous event.
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