What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Midnight Ride of Paul in Fear
Over the years, Connie and I have grown accustom to eating regular meals and sleeping indoors. Therefore, when Monday morning January 4th rolled around, I grabbed my lunch bucket and headed out the door whistling, “I owe, I owe, it’s off to work I go.”
It’s been almost a week now since I’ve had a Holiday meal, or stuffed my jowls with homemade cookies or candy. The signs of withdrawal, involuntary twitching and salivating like Pavlov’s dog when passing a donut shop, are still strong, but becoming less frequent.
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Pterodactyl Airlines may not pre-date the Wright Brothers, but the furnishings inside the plane were definitely from the Paleolithic era.
Our seats measured two hand-widths in breadth, or roughly the size of a five-gallon bucket. Once all the passengers had their butts firmly stuffed into buckets, the co-pilot rolled a large stone in front of the door and we taxied to the runway.
Upon being cleared for take-off, our captain revved-up all four squirrel-cage engines and released the hand brake. Even above the high-pitched screaming of the woman in bucket 8C, we could still hear the pilot yell “Yabba Dabba Do” when we achieved liftoff.
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*an excerpt from the short story, Saving Hollywood
45 Comments on “The Midnight Ride of Paul in Fear”
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What's So Funny? 
I think I would’ve turned around and looked for another flight, myself… Doesn’t inspire confident, ya know?
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Oh no, you wouldn’t, Dale. You’d be right there in your leopard skin stewardess outfit serving drinks in coconut shells.
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Hmmm…you maybe right about that…I’m the right age for leopard…
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And that’s the best part of the travel… the landing is when it gets really creepy. I guess the food was raw meat…
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Yes, each passenger is served a small, live animal and provided a wooden club.
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Yum!
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Good one, Fred!
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Thanks, Wilma.
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That’s nice that they still do flights for the modern stone age family. At least they’ll have a yabba dabba doo time.
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I guess there are more Stoners than you’d think. The plane was pretty full.
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Once all the passengers had their butts firmly stuffed into buckets Boy, oh boy! did you ever capture the feel of air travel with that line. Very fun take, as usual.
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The seats in coach were designed for pygmies, not wide-ass Americans.
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If they serve drinks from coconut shells, I might stay. Otherwise, I’m outta there! That’s if I can get out of that bucket seat. Very funny, Russell!
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It’s not so bad, Amy. The flapping noise the wings make lull you to sleep over time.
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Hilarious, Russell. I love hearing about Paleolithic Airlines. Flying it is different. Whenever I see ads for flights with beds, showers, and bars, I think they should start with the words, “for all of you who are filthy rich…” Well done, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne
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I’d settle for a recliner. Who really needs to use a bidet while in flight.
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You didn’t mention the toilets, Russell. I’m assuming it was either a hole in bottom of the aircraft or of the ‘bucket and chuck it’ variety. Good luck with the detox. 😉
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That’s one of their better features. Just remove the plywood seat cushion and use the bucket you’re sitting in. The cabin begins to smell like a livestock train by the time you land, but they recycle all the waste. It’s part of their “Go Green” program.
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Dear Fred
I can picture the pterodactyl wings protruding from the sides of the aircraft and the pilots bare feet flailing in midair. That might very well be the airline we flew home in from Chicago.
Being short does have its advantages, particularly when flying. I can pretty much curl up in the seats. That way I don’t have to worry about my feet dangling a foot above the floor. 😉
Best wishes on your holiday treat withdrawal.
Shalom,
Strawberry Short-Cake
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Dear Short-Cake,
Another advantage of being vertically challenged is that you can always get a part in local productions of The Wizard of Oz. Keep following that yellow-brick road.
Yabba Dabba Doo,
Fred
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We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild…
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LOL. You should have added this line from the comments in the story: “each passenger is served a small, live animal and provided a wooden club.”
Funny story. Enjoyed this.
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Glad you enjoyed that line. Maybe I’ll add it to the longer version.
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BAM BAM!
Am I the only one who read three times to figure out the asterisk?
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This was our flight home from Hollywood. We flew out of terminal “Left Field” which was at least two miles from the main terminal.
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Ah, ok, thank you. 🙂
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it’s a ride that most high school kids would love. it’s totally out of this world, uncomfortable, and unsafe. 🙂
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The element of danger always makes a ride more fun.
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So funny! This sure must be a budget airline. You have a wondrous imagination, Russell.
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No as cheap as I would have liked, but at least it was a direct flight. Occasionally, a crazy thought pops into my head.
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Well done! And, boy have I felt like that in some of those small planes. Great imagery and a lot of fun.
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Thanks, Sheila. Flights never fail to be an adventure.
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Boy, do I know that.
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I don’t want to fly courtesy of Fred’s big feet any more than I’d like a gay old time!
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Aw, come on, Perry. Did you used to be the HR guy for Pterocactyl? Weren’t you the one to conducted all those “team building” seminars?
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Up, up and away!I half expected some pterodactyl!
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That’s the other white meat, right?
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Cute! I can just see Fred’s big feet sticking out for landing gear.
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Yeah, stopping the plane has to be really rough on the feet.
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Oh my…that made guffaw.
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That’s almost as good as a Hee Haw. Thanks, Dawn.
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At least you didn’t end up in a pile of Rubble.
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I’ve been expecting someone to drag Barney into this conversation. Thanks, Patti.
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I have taken Pterodactyl Airlines off my list of airline companies. It’s the bags of squirrel food in the overhead lockers that put me off.
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If they ask you if you like crushed nuts–just say NO!
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