What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Homecoming 1967
What’s up with these adult sippy cups? Apparently it’s fashionable for everyone in the thirty-something crowd to be seen in public carrying around highly insulated drink containers with spill-proof lids. They sit around the break room and brag about how the ice hasn’t melted after two days in the Sahara, or the coffee was still hot after climbing to the top of Mount Everest.
Hello?? ~ Here’s a news flash for you. ~ You’re supposed to DRINK the beverage, not carry it around for weeks conducting temperature experiments. I suppose in a few years this same crowd will be comparing notes on adult diapers. Boy, isn’t that something to look forward to.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, who insists all stories fall somewhere between freezing and boiling, is Aladdin Von Yeti Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the dishwasher-safe mugs of the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“When the emcee called my name, I sashayed toward the microphone, accenting my patented hip-wiggle with every step. From out of nowhere this little, brown, Southwestern purse came waddling across the stage—straight for my ankles.
“I screamed. We all screamed. Even the marching band broke ranks and ran.
“Then that hag from Morrilton, ‘Debbie “Do-Gooder” Henderson,’ ran up and booted the armadillo with such force it went flying through the papier-mâché goal post on the Delta Chi float.
“The crowd went wild. Coach Broyles was so impressed he offered her a football scholarship and crowned her Homecoming Queen right there on the spot.
“I’ve hated that witch ever since.”
This event recalled by second-string cheerleader and renowned drama queen, Virginia Saxton. (An excerpt from the short story, Welcome to the Land of Opportunity)
41 Comments on “Homecoming 1967”
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What's So Funny? 
The wrath of the jilted homecoming queen…
The introduction and Rochelle’s new name were hilarious 🙂
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Unfortunately, Virginia Saxton wasn’t named Miss Congeniality either, but she did receive a sippy cup as 6th runner up.
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Sorry but calm down lady, there’s always the floral diaper competition. Ha ha.
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Is that Mountain Rain you’re wearing? It smells so clean and fresh.
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And yet, she came in and saved the day… Ungrateful wretch!
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Debbie “Do-Gooder” would probably excel at hockey as well. Don’t let her take your place on the team, Dale.
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Oh…she will have some competition with me, fear not!!
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I was just composing myself in an orderly manner after snorting with laughter like a pig rifling through truffles, at that introduction, then my double chocolate mocha, (no lid) finally found it’s way out via both nostrils at the drama queen’s exploits. Bloody hilarious.
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Sorry about your Mocha. Would you like a complimentary adult bib? Everyone’s wearing them.
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Yes please. It will come in handy along with my highly insulated drink containers with spill-proof lids and my adult diaper.
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You’ll be the talk of the town.
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I’ve always felt it imperative to be the first to boot the armadillo – it’s a thing with me. You never lose your touch, Russell. And I noted your impeccable punctuation.
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Thank you, Sandra. Lately, I’ve been suffering from loose Vowel Movements. My A’s and E’s want to run to one side of the page and my O’s tend to clump together–and don’t get me started on U.
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I am at a loss for words.
Which probably suggests that I should have stopped this comment at the end of that sentence, but of course I won’t.
And/or didn’t.
So what do I now plan to say, wordlessly?
Chuckle, chortle, snortle, snicker, snigger, giggle, guffaw, and, perhaps, even cackle.
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You’re a man of few words, C E., but you certainly know how to choose the right ones.
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Dear Tommy Tippy,
I’m still disturbed over the thought of sitting around discussing adult diapers. Two ply? Three ply? Powdered or un?
Poor jilted homecoming queen. She’s probably still in therapy.
With that comment out of the way, I’m going to refill my Contigo travel mug that will keep my coffee hot for at least three hours.
Shalom,
Aladdin Von Yeti
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Dear Aladdin Von Yeti,
You strike me as the kind of girl who would prefer a pleasant purple, paisley print pattern as opposed to bold stripes or polka dots. It’s only a matter of time until Victoria’s Secret rolls out their line of adult undergarments. People will be camped out in front of the store like they do for the new iPhones.
I would tell you to drink your coffee before it gets cold, but it sounds like you’ve got 2 or 3 days to get it done.
Sincerely,
Tommy Tippy, the no-spill blogger
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Heheh. I like Debbie, she deserves the crown. And the diapers… you’ll be able to climb the Mount Everest in one go without leak, what’s not to like?
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Yeah, the last I heard there were no restrooms along the hike to the top of Everest. Let’s hope those diapers are highly absorbent AND freeze resistant.
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This is something that would be great on film.. (actually I can see it before me if i close my eyes)… Maybe there are still titles up for grabs like. “Most underestimated cackle” or “Brewsmaid of the year”…
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I like Brewsmaid
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Oh my, I don’t know what I like more…the introduction or the story….both hilarious!!!
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Thanks. I’m glad they both brought a chuckle.
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darn, i thought it was all for show, but then changed my mind at the last minute. she seemed to be the real deal. 🙂
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Yep, Debbie is a real Arkansas girl. Probably wasn’t even wearing shoes when she booted the armadillo.
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Good for Debbie. Although I do feel a bit sorry for the armadillo. This gal reminds me of Nancy Drew and I was a fan of her books. You’ve captured the rah-rah spirit, Russell. I helped build a college float one time. Well done. 😀 — Suzanne
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Debbie is the kind of girl who steps up and takes charge. I bet it was fun working on the float. Hopefully, you didn’t have armadillos circling your ankles the entire time.
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“Debbie Do-gooder,” priceless! Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs and btw, I have one of those “sippy cups.” I must admit the staying power of the ice is rather remarkable. Hehe. @sheilagood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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Poor Virginia thought she had the title in the bag until the armadillo waddled onto the stage and a new heroine was born. Sometimes fate just happens.
When I wrote the intro, I wondered how many readers might be clutching “sippy cups” at their side. I’m amazed at the popularity of these things. At least they’re practical–unlike pet rocks and mood rings. Enjoy your ice cold beverage.
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Thanks and keep the funnies coming. I do so enjoy your writing. And, might I just say, a hell of a job writing than from a female perspective. Good job.
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Thanks Sheila. I’ve had a couple of pieces published under the pen name Rachel Crofton. It’s fun (but difficult) trying to write from that perspective.
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It looks like adult diapers are coming out of the closet. Gosh …. I wish they hadn’t They sound creepy.
Debbie Do-gooder is a better person than I. You see, I would have run and tried to jump on something wuite high. Perhaps, a gentlemen shoulders. LOLOL
I don’t have a sippy cup. Mainly, because I’m not willing to carry it. I stopped carrying things when my children started
walking. 😬😄😂
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There’s a commercial on TV with people running around just wearing shirt and adult diapers. It won’t be long before they come in floral prints and with mascots of sports teams printed on them. Several people at work have Yeti cups, which cost about $50. I keep waiting for them to come out with one with a nipple.
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LOLOL … OMG … I have tears from laughing so much. You’ve made my Sunday. I could just picture the sports teams on them. Oootball brought down by adult diapers. Oh my, you should be doing comedy. AND … the nipple cup. HILARIOUS …!!! Funny thoughts … 😂😂😂
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This is excellent, Russell. I thought of doing something related to Homecoming! I love what you did here. Such creative and insightful descriptions. Very vivid, too. I could see the whole scene. I’d say Debbie deserved that crown. Have you seen the “lunchables” for adults? They’re with ham and cheese, but they’re like more sophisticated. There’s a market for everything these days!
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The truth is Amy, I was too lazy to write something new so clipped an excerpt from a story that will be in my next book. Perhaps it will whet the appetite for the rest of the story.
I have seen the “lunchables” for adults. How long before we have adult pacifiers?
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That’s quite all right. I’m happy I got a sneak peek!
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Can’t wait to read the rest of the story.
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Thank you. It will be in my next book. My target date is the fall of 2017. But who knows, I’m a slow writer.
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Ohhh! This piece made me chuckle a lot. 🙂 Thank you, Sir, for stopping by at my own take. 🙂 I enjoyed yours.
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Hilarious.I’m still picturing the scene. We don’t get to see too many armadillos where I live, let alone kick them around.
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