What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Dumpster Diving
The results of the MRI scan on my brain are in. Connie and I met with a neurologist yesterday and he and a panel of three other doctors have concluded that I have a severe case of Sick-Cell Overload or Humorrhoiditis. The disease effects the Bouche de Toilette, or Potty Mouth Quadrant, of the brain. There is no known cure.
This may come as no surprise to most of you, especially Cousin Jerry who has been telling people for years that I’m certifiable. I never knew what that meant, but naturally assumed it was something akin to a registered letter from the post office.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the television, radio, and book club celebrity who headlines our weekly program is Mae Midwest Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to “Come up and see us sometime,” visit her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the international avatars of the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Russell, why do we have to get here so early? It’s an hour before sunrise. You know I need my beauty rest.”
“I can’t argue with that, Perry. But I’m afraid it would take more than a Rip Van Winkle nap to improve your looks. We have to get here early before all the best jokes are taken. Now, let me help you into the dumpster.”
“Why do I have to get in the dumpster?”
“Because you’re the crazy comic and I’m the handsome straight man. And don’t waste time looking for self-deprecating humor. I’ll take care of that for you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
54 Comments on “Dumpster Diving”
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What's So Funny? 
ha ha. Loved your introduction. I hope I don’t catch that disease by reading your posts and my “Potty Mouth Quadrant” remains inhibited 🙂
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The doctor didn’t seem to think it was contagious. May your thoughts remain pure.
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Cute. I can’t wait to hear Perry’s response.
MG
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It’ll probably be at least Sunday before he bothers to read it. Blogging is work you know. I think he observes the Sabbath five days out of seven.
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That’s a whole new spin on dumpster diving. Potty mouth will come in handy here. Funny, Russell! P.S. Thanks for your story, btw. So thoughtful of you!
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Let’s hope Perry gets down deep where the good stuff is. I could use some new material.
Glad you enjoyed the story, Amy.
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It’s a good thing there’s no cure for Potty Mouth Syndrome. You make your writing career from it. Poor Perry. Maybe we should start a campaign to keep him out of the dumpster. I want to hear his side of it. Hilarious, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne
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Me too. What if I woke up one morning and someone had stole my sense of humor?
Don’t feel sorry for Perry. If he finds anything funny in there, I’ll let him keep at least one joke–as long as it’s not funnier than mine.
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Dear Cousin Russie,
Ah, the bromance continues. Your MRI scan must be quite colorful with a multitude of silly cells. Perhaps one day someone will lower the lid on Potty Mouth Syndrome but for now I’m flushed. I’ll be back to read the Perry-enniel rebuttal.
Why dontcha come up and see me sometime…Shalom,
Mae Midwest
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Dear Mae Midwest,
Perry’s a good big bro (by that I mean older) and a great source of new material. Just think of us as the Lewis & Clark of comedy. He comes up with great ideas, I plagiarized them, and neither of us make any money.
I haven’t watched your celebrity interview yet. Hopefully, I get to that today.
I need to come up with a hillbilly version of Shalom. Hmmm . . . let’s see what’s in the old Potty Mouth Quadrant.
Cousin Russie
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So glad you’ve finally been certified. That just leaves Perry to be processed.. Good one, as always.
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I’m sure an MRI scan of his brain would be quite colorful too.
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Hehehe, good thing that your disease can’t be cured. Great intro and funny story.
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Just lucky, I guess. Glad you enjoyed them.
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So glad to know you a diagnosis and happy it isn’t terminal. Of course, that is only if your wife doesn’t do you in at some point. Loved the intro and story. You alwyas make me smile. @sheilagood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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Maybe it won’t be fatal for my readers either. At least it hasn’t killed anyone yet (as far as I know).
Thanks for dropping by. I always enjoy reading your posts too.
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Thanks
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I’d love to try to help, but I’m pretty sure I’m not qualified to give you the kind of help you need. LOL.
Love your story. Always look forward to the chuckle!
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I love getting help from cartoon characters. You look like the super hero type to me.
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Perry’s going to gave to dig deep to find some garbage neither one of you has used before!
BTW, did you mean “self-deprecating,” or is Perry really depreciating in value??? (Probably reduced by 50% in the time that it took me to write this comment.)
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Ha! I never claimed to win a spelling bee. Actually, I expect his stock to increase in value after being the star of this presentation.
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Perry’s going to gave to dig deep to find some garbage neither one of you has used before!
BTW, did you mean “self-deprecating,” or is Perry really depreciating in value??? (Probably reduced by 50% in the time that it took me to write this comment.)
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Since you mentioned it twice, I went back and corrected my typo.
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Weird that my comment showed up twice! Also, I notice that I misspelled the very difficult and complex word, “have.” I will conveniently blame that on my chubby fingers and the teeny tiny virtual keyboard of my iPhone 😃
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what a friend. 🙂
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I’m always looking out for his best interest.
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Yes, it’s true that I need a beauty sleep each and every night. Actually it’s not a beauty sleep; it’s more of a “fair to middling” sleep. If I don’t get at least get 8 hours, Ted Cruz makes fun of my looks. If only I were the handsome straight man, I could make way less money than the crazy comic, have a much shorter career when we break up, and wind up in bankruptcy. Darn it! Too bad I’m not him.
Okay, time to get into the trash can? Why, it’s Oscar the Grouch! What? A lucrative contract to appear on Sesame Street? Terrific! Oh, just me? Not the handsome straight man?
Okay, I’ll handle it. He’ll bounce back. Eventually.
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What? You’re leaving me? I understand that Sesame Street is a long-running and lucrative deal, but you’ll become stereotyped as Oscar and never be able to land a decent role again.
After you’re gone, my only career option will be to host a variety show where I waltz around with a drink in my hand with a big grin plastered on my handsome face. Scarlett Johansson has signed as my first guest, also the entire cast of The Goldbergs is stopping by to do a few skits because in Adam’s words, “We appreciate a handsome straight man.” Then maybe I’ll do a Star Wars movie where I play Harrison Ford’s younger, and more handsome, brother.
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Ha! Ha! I like “And don’t waste time looking for self-deprecating humor.I’ll take care of that for you.” So very generous of you after getting Perry up so early.
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He’d have to look far and wide to find another friend as caring and unselfish as me.
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Bouche de Toilette is such terrible affliction to be diagnosed with.Why it’s almost as deadly as Man Flu.
I myself suffer terribly with a condition known as Lazy Skankalitis and Sarcasticus Hoe-bagestomy.
I sincerely hope that you don’t get better soon.
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Thanks, Lily. I appreciate the Stay Sick wishes.
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What I really wish for you is warm hugs and much laughter. You’re easily one of the funniest and creative persons in the blogosphere, so I shall take back my ‘stay sick’ wishes.
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Flattery will get you everywhere. I’ll give you forty-five minutes to quit saying stuff like that.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good thing no one saw the proctologist. Who knows what Perry would have done? I think he thinks they still use candles.
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You mean they don’t?
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Dr. Ben Dover I think still does …
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I’ve been to him. Didn’t care for his bed-side manner.
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I love reading your comments and your story is good too.
Dive, dive, dive
Dumpster on my friends.
Tracey
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Sometimes the best jokes are at the bottom, but I just have getting that yuk all over me. It doesn’t seem to bother Perry (that I get yuk on me that is).
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Mae Midwest! You never cease to amaze me with your creative characterizations. You needn’t worry about your brain, I hear those cells multiply rapidly.
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Yeah, I think I got two new ones last year. 2015 was big for me.
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I could totally see Dean and Jerry acting out this schtick!
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Me too. Whatever you do, don’t ask Perry to sing.
He’s no Perry Como.
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It would be rude to butt in on your private conversation so I’ll butt out now.
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Sounds like the hokey-pokey. You put your butt in, you take your butt out . . .
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The dumpster is always a good place to get almost fresh material, if all else fails there is always the Funny Farm.
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You have to grow your own at the Funny Farm, and we’re both morally opposed to work.
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Is there anything like Toilette Tourette? I’m pretty sure dumpster diving beats sewer swimming for jokes… But that migh be saved for next week… 🙂
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If there’s a funny joke to be found in the sewer, I’ll be happy to have Perry dive in and look for it.
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Ha.. .is that what’s called sinking even deeper?
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The best stuff is always at the very bottom.
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great dive into a dumpster
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We call it treasure hunting.
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