Russell Gayer, author speaker
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
Finding ways to make words sparkle
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
All the Blogging That's Fit To Print
AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
A Humor Blog
Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind
Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!
An author's perspective of mystery and more.
And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
Good stuff this week, Russell. I hope Perry doesn’t mind taking one for the team. 😉
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The only part that will irritate him is the word “older.”
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Marie Gail,
I finally woke up and realized that your comment went right over my head. Perry volunteered to take spanking because it was a female principal. In fact, he tries to get sent to her office two or three times a week.
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Ah, I see. You boys must have had the notorious Ms. Plushbottom. I’ve heard of her from a couple other writers. I hope you had your opportunities too. 😉
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Yes, she wore me out a few times with a wooden ruler.
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Who knew there were toy Egyptians and Hebrews? Dang, I was stuck with plastic cowboys and Indians to blow up with firecrackers! No flooding in the teacher’s lounge.Good one, Russell.
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I had some of those too, and lots of German and American WWII soldiers. I think the Jewish kids were the only ones with Old Testament action figures. There’s no telling how much fun they had with Samson and Delilah.
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Dear Winkle,
You and Perry are quite the team. This certainly wasn’t a tankless job.
When my middle son was two he flushed all of his older brothers Star Wars action figures. We became very chummy with our neighbors until the drain was cleared.
Did Jan tell you about the cigars??? It’s supposed to be a secret.
I diagnose this story wet, wild and funny.
Shalom,
Sigourney Frued
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Dear Dr. Sigourney Freud,
I’m glad you’re on the case and that your only fee is a couple of cigars. Hopefully, Barry brought you back a couple from Cuba.
I hope it wasn’t Chewbacca your son flushed. That can really mess up the hair. He should have went with a Star Trek action figure. They are known for “boldly going . . .”
Winkie
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Oh Lordy… what was Rochelle thinking in choosing a toilet seat for the likes of you? At least you are up on your old biblical stories… or is it thanks to Charlton Heston that you even know about them?
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I love bible stories. I loved Charlton Heston’s portrayal of Moses too.
Yes, that photo of a toilet played right into my strong suit–potty humor.
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LOL!!!
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I don’t know my Old Testimate very well but weren’t there a few logs in the Red Sea? Step lightly.
Tracey
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Egads! Did they somewhat resemble a Baby Ruth bar?
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*Testament
Nothing like a typo to ruin a shitty joke. I’m going to stop typing now.
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I guess this just goes to prove that physician’s typing is not much better than their handwriting. 🙂
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Guilty as charged
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Good one. As always.
Your preamble reminded me of Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, “I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.” 😀
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Thanks for commenting on that, Caerlynn. I have always suffered from SAD. My wife finds it odd that I have no problem speaking before a large audience but become a basket-case at a garden party. She is just the opposite.
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I too, suffer from SAD, thankfully my keyboard and pen seem to find ways around it.
I truly enjoyed your whimsical take on the prompt. Great job! Now I must go look for some Hebrews and Egyptians to liven up the Sunday school classes as we study the Old Testament.
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Thanks for confirming that I’m not the only SAD sufferer out there.
I haven’t looked for any toy Hebrew and Egyptians. I assume Perry made his own out of little balls of clay (let’s hope it was clay).
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As for the story, I figured you’d find something to write — and nope, you didn’t disappoint. Loved it! I saw the prompt and figured the “Bad Boys of FF” will definitely be in a writing mood.
BTW, Commenting on Perry’s little balls won’t taint his childhood. His manhood, yeah, maybe …
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Well, he was rolling something brown between his palms and I’m hoping it was clay. If you read his story, he’ll tell you it doesn’t stink.
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In that case, I wouldn’t HAVE to read his story … 😀
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Russell, The first thought that came to my mind when I saw this picture prompt was what you were going to write. It’s was perfect for your “genre” of humour and you didn’t disappoint 🙂
Enjoyed it as always!
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Thank you. Not everyone can say their brand of writing is associated with toilets. One of the first short stories I ever wrote was about an outhouse, so I guess it’s in my blood.
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i guess that spelled relief.
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It did indeed.
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only you could have imagined this story.great
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The Ten Commandments will be on TV in a couple of days. It seemed that the appropriate time to honor that great movie.
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I do have Old Testament action figures and I love them. I’ve got Moses, Samson, King David, and my personal favorite, Onan. I played with Onan so much when I was a kid my parents sent me to see a specialist, but he took the Onan away from me and was never heard from again. I got another one though which has been with me for many years, although recently even it has begun shouting “Perry – enough already!”
Perhaps that’s why I have little balls to this day. They’re shweaty too.
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“But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground.” I’m not sure why you’re fond of this character, he seems rather careless with his semen. I always pictured you as more of a minor prophets collector.
Enough already, about your shweaty balls. Please spare our readers the details.
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I wouldn’t have guessed that about you in social situations, but I think more often than not people have some anxiety about interacting, especially since we don’t do it nearly as much.
Loved your story. So funny. That Perry getting you into trouble again, Russell. What is it about water? When I was a kid, I used to have this barbie play set with a pool! Well, you can guess what happened. The whole darn thing would spill all over the carpet. The room would stink for weeks! It was fun though.
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We younger kids are always being led down the wrong path by our senior co-horts. You’ve got to admit, he’s creative and clever. Who else would have thought of the Red Sea reenactment?
Loved your Barbie confession. You should write a story about it. I assume she was skinny-dipping with Ken when things got out of hand?
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Haha. Oh, my goodness! How did you know?? Barbie was misbehaving again. 🙂 I will write a story about this! Next prompt with water.
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Sorry to hear about your problems in society, Russell. Being a primary teacher, I got over any problems, even speaking in front of a group, in a hurry. I was also wondering what Perry thought about being an “older” kid in your story. Funny stuff, 😀 — Suzanne
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I have no issues with public speaking, it’s the small-talk mingling thing that gives me heartburn.
Perry loves being the star in my stories. He should win some blog equivalent to an Oscar for his performances.
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Told from the perspective of a young boy at heart. Do you have sons? I have two, and honestly if it weren’t for them I might not have got this as well.
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Yes, I have a grown son and some grandsons. Something similar to this did actually happen when I was in the fourth grade.
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LOL…I love it!
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I saw the photo and thought “this will be like manna from heaven for Perry and Russell”. You never disappoint. 🙂
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I wouldn’t say it was “too easy” but it was certainly fun. We strive to set the bar low and consistently miss the mark. I’m glad that meets your expectations for us. 🙂
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I love how he returns for another flush. This is all kinds of delightful. 🙂
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Some opportunities are just too good to pass. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
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I’ve never thought of the possible parallel between Roto Rooter and Angels. God does have a sense of humor.
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Yes, God has a great sense of humor. Much more than people give him credit for. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, Lindy.
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Heheheh. You never disappoint.
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That depends on who you ask. 🙂
Thanks for the kind words.
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That Perry is always up to no good. Keep an eye on that one!
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Back luck and trouble follow him like a bloodhound tracking a liverwurst sandwich.
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Ah how we all remember the first flush of success! You must have had plenty of potluck picnics with Perry.
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His backside was kind of flushed too when the principal finished spanking him.
Don’t invite him to a potluck. All he ever brings is day-old bagels and leftovers.
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