What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The White Tufts of Rover
Did you ever wonder if birds in other countries chirp in a different language than those where you live? Me neither. However, it does sound reasonable.
Researchers at the Perry Block Institute for Birdbrain Studies recently released a report supporting this theory. According to their study, crows from the Northeast U.S. alert their companions of oncoming traffic by calling out “Cah, cah,” while their cousins from the South scream, “Y’all, y’all,” (short for y’all look out). The southern crows are also much slower getting the message out, resulting in more highway fatalities in Birmingham than Boston.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the insurance agent who offers writers coverage against birdbrain stories is Flo Nightingale Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like a Free 90 day trial, visit her site and follow the step-by-step instructions. To view the writers on a wire in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
General Starling reviewed the reconnaissance report and made a few last minute adjustments to the battle plan.
Satisfied, he smiled at Lieutenant Limbhopper and gave the order. “We attack at dawn. They’ll never know what hit ‘em.”
The word passed quickly down the line.
“We attack at dawn.”
“We attack her lawn.
“She eats her spawn.”
“The flapjacks are gone.”
“Your mother’s name is Ron.”
“Bonham drives a baby-blue Prius.”
Despite the poor communications, the raid was executed with surgical precision. The enemy awoke to the ravages of explosions that left no windshield unscathed.
Historians labeled it “The Shitzkrieg.”
51 Comments on “The White Tufts of Rover”
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What's So Funny? 
Dear General Starling,
No amount of coverage can prevent a feather brained story such as yours. I’ve heard of Shtizkrieg. It’s nice to finally know the true story. And so the Plotz thickens.
Droppings and Shalom,
Flo
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Dear Flo,
I love that you’ve brought the headband back into vogue. Most people thought those went out of style thirty years ago.
If you could spare a few of those cardboard policy-boxes, I’d appreciate it. Mrs. Starling doesn’t want to keep all her eggs in one box. The exception being our NEST EGG which is only the size of a BB and can easily be stored in a thimble.
Be careful around those droppings. We wouldn’t want you to slip and fall. Progressive might not cover it. Better go with AFLAC.
Over & out,
General Starling.
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Hahahahaha! That was totally brilliant! “The Shitzkrieg,” eh? I’m afraid this image is never going to be erased from my memory.
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Or, easily removed from your windshield.
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🙂
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Ha! You have written the backstory to what clearly happened to my car last week. The mulberries haven’t even ripened in my neighborhood yet, so the worst has yet to drop.
All my best,
MG
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I have a feeling what you experienced last week was just a practice run to prepare for the real event. Bombs away!
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Love it 🙂
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Thanks, Helen. I appreciate you stopping by.
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“Well, the Northeast crows are hip, I really dig those “Cah, cahs,” they wail, and the Southern crows with the way they scream “Y’all!,” knock me out and never gets stale ….” What a great song by the Beachbirds! as suggested by Russell Gayer. I sense royalties here!” And not a speck of Shitzkrieg.
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I had a salesman stop in today from Chalfont, PA. He says that’s about 25 minutes from Havertown. He loves Jewish food.
I told him to swing by your place and you’d feed him a Shitzkrieg bagel. You might want to hold off on the singing until he gets the first bite down.
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This was really funny the way you constructed it and gave us the punchline. I laughed out loud a bunch .
I remember Fran Drescher said it best when she said, “You pay a dollar in Venice to have a hundred birds s**t on you. No wonder they think Americans are stupid.”
Great story, Russell. Keep your bird in your hand and close to you always. 😉
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I keep a bird on the middle finger of each hand, but I rarely use them. They’re more for show than anything.
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Man, I’d love to see how you deal a deck of cards.
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BTW, I drive a 2012 Ford Fusion. Best car I ever had since my two Tauruses (Taurii …? Oh, what difference does it make!)
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I had to pick a vehicle that sounded rather “prissy” to make the story click. A Ford Fusion (or Taurus) may be dependable transportation, but they’re just not funny.
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Then, you should have used a Chevette! Nothing says “wuss” than a Chevette.
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How ’bout a Ford Falcon? Now that was a POS car, although not as bad as the 85 Escort Citrus wagon. Fix Or Repair Daily. And not to forget the Corvett.
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Ha! Ha! General Starling and Lieutenant Limbhopper make quite a combination. Nowadays they use Twitter to communicate. Is it true that post retirement General Starling ran a successful business exporting Guano?
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Your comment made me laugh. I believe the answer to your question is YES!
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Kent said we went down a similar route… well not really… there was no Shitskrieg in mine…
Good one, Russell!
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I was referring to the lines of communication. Funny results all around.
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ha ha . Loved both your intro and the story. As expected there was some bodily function involved 🙂
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I can’t help it. It’s only natural.
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well, it happens all the time. they show no mercy. asking no quarter, they give none.
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When you car is sitting in the wide open, a long way from the nearest tree or power line, and you come back to find droppings on your windshield, you know it’s no accident.
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I finally understand what happens in my backyard, and to my car: Shitzkrieg all around. Featherly good. Can’t laugh too much, don’t want to catch avian precipitation from above. BTW, they really do have regional dialects.
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Ah, you must have attended the Perry Block Institute.
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Happy droppings, Russell. I’m amazed their plan came together after the initial order was distorted. Got to hand it to those birds. They make stuff happen. 🙂
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They really do make stuff happen, Amy, and lots of it too.
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“…that left no windshield unscathed.” ~ Haha! Now that should call for a celebration. Victory is at hand!
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Maybe they’re in cahoots with the people who make windshield wiper wash.
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Shitzkrieg – usually happens round here every wash-day. Nice one Russell.
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Why can’t they just poop in the woods, like bears do?
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No Shitzkrieg here, I dosed all the bread with Largactil 😉😉😉
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I think this flock dined on ExLax before the bombing raid.
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I swear, you can take anything and make it funny. Loved it! @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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What a sweet thing to say, Sheila. I think that’s the highest compliment a humorist could ever receive. Thank you so much.
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My pleasure.
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I started laughing a “Cah Cah” and am still smiling. This is a favorite Russell.
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Aww . . . thanks, Dawn. I enjoyed writing the intro this week. I’m a graduate of the Perry Block Institute, you know.
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Ha.. I have to say I have been saved from a Shitzkrieg so far… though there are Guerrilla warfare in my region of the word… I’m pretty sure the crows speaks English here… as they cry about Cah’s all the time.
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Ah, so you have Yankee crows in Sweden. Better keep an eye on them. Pretty soon they’ll have your songbirds singing Rodgers & Hammerstein musicals.
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I loved the Birdbrain Studies and the Shitzkrieg, Russell. Hilarious. 😀 — Suzanne
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I believe Perry is accepting applications if you’d like to enroll.
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on communication, you are absolutely on the dot, on shitzkreig well what more could be expected
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Shitzkrieg round two, I suppose.
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You always make me laugh! Shitskreig, indeed. 🙂
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You may me laugh too, Lorna. Heading over to your site now.
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Hope I didn’t disappoint!
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You never disappoint.
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