Russell Gayer, author speaker
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
Finding ways to make words sparkle
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
All the Blogging That's Fit To Print
AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
A Humor Blog
Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind
Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!
An author's perspective of mystery and more.
And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
Funny that those two guys are appearing at the humor writers’ conference because usually they appear at the all-women writer’s conference where they talk at length about what it’s like to be “a piece of meat.” Mr. Block is especially eloquent on the subject. But I guess they might appear at the humor writers’ conference as well. Let’s see: they pay the women’s conference $2,000 apiece to be permitted to appear there and they have to sit in a dunk tank for five hours afterwards. For the humor conference, they’ll probably have to pay $2500 a piece, but hopefully no dunk tank.
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You’re right about the “piece of meat,” Perry. The first time I toured a poultry plant, those toothless women working on the line were staring at me and visually undressing me with their eyes. It’s horrible being treated as a sex objects, but I suppose we shouldn’t complain. Next they’ll be hiring us to model for the covers of the paperback romance novels they sell at Dollar General.
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Can i attend please?
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I don’t know if we can afford you. What’s your fee?
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well about 3000 dollars for two hours will do.
🙂
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I’ll have Perry write you a check from his personal account.
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This course is not available in stores. We tried stores but they turned it down. But, I’m sure OWL was terrific.
I heard our fan club arrived … they came in on a bicycle!
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You would have enjoyed OWL. There was a great presentation on script writing. Missouri Film something-or-other is holding a contest and three winners will be selected to attend an all expense paid trip to somewhere to hang out for three days with some professionals who are almost famous. Also, they might turn your script into a movie.
You should try it.
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Ohhh don’t tease me. Really? That sounds really cool.
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I’ll be emailing you the info on that contest later this afternoon. Personally, script writing looks extremely tedious and difficult to me.
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Dear Fran,
You left me last week. I was reduced to a nameless schlepp wandering the internet not knowing who I was. I’ll admit to enjoying public speaking. Jan has often said that I’m a Kosher ham. I’m not sure, but I might’ve had more fun at OWL last weekend. Sigh. Although it was great to see my kids which made it worth the disappointment. (That’s anuther story.) As for Russell Gayer as a speaker at your humor conference…good way to clear the deck. 😉
Shalom,
Dalette
PS Guilt trip tickets free of charge.
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Dear Dalette,
Perry and I are hoping the sponsor can come up with enough money to hire at least 3 or 4 attendees. We’re pretty experienced at lecturing empty chairs, but it’s nice to hear someone break into a snore once in a while when you’re delivering a key point during the speech.
The attendance was rather light at OWL. The word had gotten around that you weren’t going to be there, so many of the members chose to attend OWFI in OK City, or stay home, rather than travel to Branson. (or perhaps they heard I was coming? You didn’t tell anyone, did you?)
Still saving you a seat,
Fran
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Hi guys. I am in your fan club!
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Thanks, but I believe you ARE the fan club.
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Like I said, they came here on a bicycle.
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Hilarious, Russell. Are you and Perry giving a joint speech? That would be like watching a comedy team at work. To keep people from stampeding out the door after the speech you could serve post-speech sandwiches, cake, and drinks. Or you could serve a strong drink before the speech to put them in a good mood. Watch out for the mean drunks, though. Well done. 😀 — Suzanne
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Perry and I got a nice invite to speak at an insomniac’s convention. Some of the attendees haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years. They’re going to pay us so much a head for every person who dozes off while we speak. This could be the start of a whole new career.
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I think it will be sold out… you know that Insomniacs United are desperate for this type of events… If you can add sheep to your show it will sell out within minutes.
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I’d love to, but the sheep get nervous when Perry is around.
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Some weeks, I show up just to watch you and Perry spar; you guys are a riot! Another funny piece, that is both witty and fun to read, Russell.
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Why, thank you Dawn. I think we play off each other pretty well. I play the old, fat Gentile and he’s the in-age-denial Jew who couldn’t find a date if he was the only man on an island of ten thousand women.
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And clearly, such good friends! 😉
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As always, you bring a smile to my face. Well done. @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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Thanks for not nodding off during the comments, Sheila. It’s always nice to see your smiling face.
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Same here!
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ha ha. I’ll give you a 75% discount on the “attendance fee ” Russell…if you promise not to write about any bodily functions for the next three weeks and still entertain us as you always do 🙂
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I don’t know . . . three weeks is a long time. Does this count as week one?
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I’ll attend. You did say there was a free lunch, didn’t you? No? Oh…
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You drive a steep bargain, Sandra. Are you sure you want to eat Perry’s cooking?
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Sounds like a winning lineup!
I was actually about to comment on your introductory paragraph – at first I thought it was your story, ‘cos it was brilliant 🙂
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Thanks, Ali. My introduction usually has nothing to do with the photo, but this week I used it to set up the story. Glad you enjoyed it.
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I’d buy that ticket. Get on it!
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You might want to bring a pillow or two. We tend to ramble.
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I’ll give you a 99% discount, but you’ll have to pay for room and transportation. 😀
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I knew there was a hitch. Do you mind sharing a room with Perry?
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In the president’s suite? No problem. I’ll probably die laughing though.
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He prefers to sleep in the broom closet just off the kitchen. He’s says it roomy, though.
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I’m not sure. In the long run Dave Barry and Fran Lebowitz might be a lot cheaper, depending on the size of the conference maybe by a sizable amount. I shouldn’t say anything since i know that if I were on the bill it would quadrupedal the price, and that’s paying me off to be sick that day, if I were actually make it…
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Good point, Trent. We could probably hire a whole line-up of humor writers compared to what it would cost to pay 50 attendees to come. I like the idea of being paid NOT to show up. I can see the advertising brochure now; We guarantee Perry & Russell will NOT be anywhere within 200 miles of this conference.
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What great fun! Throw in some cookies and I’ll sit in the front row. Love your intro, too. It’s funny people get so nervous talking in front of other people and the truth is half the time people aren’t really listening anyway. 🙂
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No spit wads, please. Feel free to wear your ear buds and listen to music.
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it must be fun to get paid for attending. even in pesos will do. count me in. 🙂
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It’s probably the most grueling two hours you’d ever spend. Some people have compared it to a root canal without being numbed first.
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I’ll attend for a night free stay at the resort. I’ve sat through time share sales before I am pretty sure I can do this.
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So, you probably have so ear plugs in your purse, right?
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Oh yeah…;)
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I’ve seen people write entire sentences using nothing but emojis. I’m not one of them. This too shall pass.
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This looked more like a ghost writers’ conference… 😉
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We’d like to book you as a speaker as well. I’m sure the attendees would welcome the reprieve of not having to look at me and Perry.
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Okay. I guess I could come for a guest appearance. Just remember that my eyes are up here…not, well, you know. 😉
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Very true, I must say
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