What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Methuselah Comes to America
It’s not everyday someone you know has a four-digit birthday. In fact, most people would consider crossing the century mark quite an accomplishment in longevity. But like Methuselah says, “After three or four thousand years, who’s counting?”
At his age, finding health insurance is almost as challenging as finding a date. Although, for enough money, he can purchase limited coverage. The female companionship however, remains elusive.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, your Entertainment Director on this Cruise of Creativity is Julie “Twinkle-toes” Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF “Collection of Authors” click here.
In the days before color (known as BC), Methuselah decided to emigrate to America. He’d spent twelve lifetimes herding goats in The Holy Land, and was looking for a nice place to retire.
His cousin, Hershel, sent him a brochure advertising an Eden in the new world called Florida. Allegedly, there was a Fountain of Youth hidden somewhere in this paradise of white, sandy beaches covered with beautiful bouncing babes. Methuselah threw on his kippah and boarded the first ship headed west.
Unfortunately, he made a wrong turn at Philadelphia and ended up in Havertown, PA. The rest, as they say, is history.
This was one of my early pokes at fellow Fictioneer, Perry Block, aka-Methuselah. This week, Julie “Twinkletoes” has dispatched him to Cleveland to cover the Republican National Convention. I don’t expect him to last long there as those in the Trump Camp are apt to track him down and break his ancient fingers, or deport him as an undocumented immigrant, for some of the unflattering stories he’s been reporting from the convention. If you haven’t read them, I encourage you to hurry over to his site and check them out while there’s still time.
39 Comments on “Methuselah Comes to America”
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What's So Funny? 
Dear Feivel Mousekewitz,
Five lifetimes is a long time to be herding sheep. Baaaaaaa. I can hear Neil Diamond singing “Coming to America.” Where’s Teddy Roosevelt when we need him?
Deport me now, please.
Shalom,
Julie
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Dear Twinkle-toes,
It’s probably a good think he didn’t make it to Florida. He would have probably wandered off into the Cesspool of Middle Age and ended up in an assisted-living facility. Let’s hope he makes it back from Cleveland in one piece. What a brutal assignment.
Signing the deportation papers,
Feivel Halfwitz
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Like Mel Brooks’ 2000 Year-Old Man talked about himself being married over three-hundred times and has over a thousand children, “… and not ONE ever comes to visit me!”
A super tribute to Perry (and you’d better get that pan of warm water out from under his bunk and SOON!)
Five out of five Carl Reiners.
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That’s certainly a lot of Mother-in-laws to have to deal with. While the kids may not come home, “Mother” always comes to visit and continually point out your flaws.
Thanks for the Carl Reiners. They’ll look nice next to my Marty Feldmans.
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Sorry to intrude on the family ‘in’ jokes, but are you aware that haver, or haiver, is a Scots word meaning to talk rubbish?
Just saying, not implying anything, honest injun…
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That makes perfect sense. So, you’re familiar with his work . . . .
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All I can say is if you haven’t herded goats, don’t knock it until you try it. At my age, not a few of them are starting to look like Scarlett Johansson. Incidentally, Havertown actually means “place where Jews with little money congregate.” It was named long ago by Scots who were very into zoning. Any way, here in Cleveland I’m having a terrific time being beaten up almost daily. If I get beaten up by Hillary Clinton in Philadelphia I’ll really have to wonder.
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I just hope Chris Christie doesn’t mistake you for a seat cushion and turn you into Perry the Pancake.
Perhaps they’ll let you take the stage at the DNC and give one of those emotional, sermon-style speeches on how you were beaten up by Republican bullies as a child and forced to work in a cubicle while all the non-Jews had corner offices with windows and hot personal secretaries. There won’t be a dry eye in the house. Damn! Where’s my hankie?
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Five lifetimes herding sheep. It doesn’t bear thinking about.
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Oh, Baaaa-beeeee.
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I love reading your stories and your intro and your notes after the stories. So many hidden treasures. 😀
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I wonder if there are any goats to keep him company in Pennsylvania….Wonderfully funny.
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His Amish neighbors have some. He hangs out with them when he’s feeling lonely.
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And what an interesting (and highly unknown) piece of history it is. Thanks for the smile.
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Yes, we’re just full of it — history, that is.
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Love your new take on an old history, literally!
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History is full of little known facts if you just take the time to dig ’em up.
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I can’t help but shake my head.
He took the run turn… after years of herding sheep his become incapable of reading directions for himself. Guess it’s to be expected, job hazard I suppose.
Very funny.
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He’s not the first to take a wrong turn at Philadelphia. I believe it happened to both W.C. Fields and Bob Hope. Unlike Methuselah, both of those guys went on to become famous for their comedy.
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🙂
🙂
Perhaps his the one writing their jokes.
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At least he won’t be eaten by alligators in PA. Fun story. 🙂
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He’s so old and tough, they’d probably spit him out anyway.
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still he reached the land of hope
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But I hear he’s missing his goats.
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if anything, he should consider himself lucky. he survived the voyage and didn’t drown and saved the sharks from food poising feasting on his carcass. 🙂
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At the very least, the sharks would have chipped a tooth and required extensive dental work.
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Funny stuff. Do you think that you and Perry may end up in the same Floridian nursing home? God forbid.
Tracey
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How cruel for the other residents.
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Very funny. Shame he missed the fountain of youth.
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Yes, he could have regained a few hundred years and went back to his first passion — herding goats.
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Could be an episode of “Drunk History.” Do you think we could get Judd Hirsch to play Perry, er, Methuseleh?
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I guess Judd will have to do not that Abe Vigoda has passed on.
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Haha – I like the idea of Methuseleh wanting to retire to Florida (and maybe searching for the fountain of youth while there). At least maybe he’s not herding sheep in PA.
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True – and he’s not happy about that. He can still be found lumbering through the streets of Havertown crying out, “Hey, Baaa- Beee.”
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I’m sure your story made Perry feel all warm and fuzzy, Russell. Things wouldn’t be the same if he ended up in Florida, now would it? Of course, there’s always retirement. It’s never too late to arrive at your destination. As some suggest, maybe you could retire together. Be bunk buddies.
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It’s not quite as flattering as the one he wrote for me, but I did write this one first (3 years ago) and have the comments to prove it. Yes, tune in a few years from now for Senile and Seniler, or Curmudgy old Comedians.
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Hilarious intro and main piece, Russell. I’m just glad Perry is perfectly able to handle it. He better stay out of Florida. Everyone down there may have to move out if the ice up north melts. I saw a forecast of what the world would be like if that happened. Of course, Philadelphia and that area may not fare much better. Also, weather forecasts sometimes miss the mark. You should be okay where you’re located. 😀 — Suzanne
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Methuselah didn’t survive this long without being resilient. The Jews are a tough people. He’ll be okay.
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You had me from “BC”.
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