What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Those Beaches! (deaux)
Have you ever noticed how inanimate objects gossip about each other? Just look at the picture below. Judy and Wanda are over in the corner whispering about poor Carol. Perhaps one of her wheels spins in a circle or flops like flat tire. Maybe she has some rust and corrosion on her frame or the latch is busted on her child safety belt.
Whatever the case, pointing out Carol’s flaws makes Judy and Wanda feel a little bit superior about themselves. Little do they know that Carol is about to be adopted by a homeless person and will receive more love and attention than they can ever imagine. Meanwhile, both Judy and Wanda will be slammed by teenage drivers and end up at the bottom of a ravine, twisted and warped beyond recognition, and left to die against concrete barrier with only some illegible graffiti to mark their final resting place.
I don’t know about you, but I feel better already!
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, let me introduce you to one person who will never speak evil of you and will always be a constant source of support and encouragement. Not only that, but if you forget to zip your fly she will tell you discreetly so that you don’t suffer public humiliation. I’m talking about our bus driver, Georgette Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Raul was pissed. Why hadn’t he listened to his father?
“Do not open an all-night Quicki-Mart so close to beach, my son. It will bring you nothing but pain, hard work, and unhappiness.”
His father was right. Everyone he hired for graveyard shift fell under some strange spell. Sunrise would find them wandering around the store wild-eyed and mumbling, “It’s true. It’s true.”
It was true all right. Sand and water was all over the floor. The worst part was retrieving the shopping carts. Raul decided to add quarter locks to the carts—like Aldi’s.
“That’ll teach those mermaids,” he muttered.
*this post reprinted in it’s entirety from October 2013. Many of the previous commenters preferred the intro to the actual story. In either case, consider it a two-for-one deal. Perhaps one or the other will tickle your funny bone.
46 Comments on “Those Beaches! (deaux)”
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What's So Funny? 
That last line! Wasn’t expecting it, so glad it was there. Also enjoyed your intro. The premise fits my story perfectly, only your’s is funny. 😉
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I’m big on happy endings. 🙂
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ha ha, Enjoyed the intro more than the story.
Enjoyed your writing Russell.
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Awww…I’ll give you thirty minutes to stop saying things like that. 🙂
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Mermaids make lousy housekeepers. That’s the one beef I have had with going to the beaches. Sand all over everything, even down your swim suit. Last beach I went to was in Premia De Mar in Barcelona. Got a pebble imbedded under my foot. Oh, that HURT! BTW, my mom’s name just happens to be Wanda … not that it matters or anything. 😉
Five out of five derelicts (Perry being one of them — or maybe three). Good job, Skipper!
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What a wuss. Sand shmand. Give me the beach any day. As for mermaids making lousy housekeepers, don’t talk to Jan about this. 😉
Dippingly,
Cuzzin Georgette
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I’d stay away from those beaches, if I were you. There’s all that sand, and sun, and surf, and all those other short words that start with “s.” The stone bruise sounds miserable.
Hey, look. There comes your cousin now, and it looks like she’s bringing you a whining towel. Don’t let her smack you with that thing.
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Hahahaha! She will, though. Trust me, she will.
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Both were good stories, Russell, but I liked the second one best. What a great twist at the end. Good writing as always. 😀 — Suzanne
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Thank you, Suzanne. Glad you enjoyed the punchline.
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Sometimes I think those damnable carts have a mind of their own. Little did I know, they were gossips too. Someone should put them in their place. 🙂
Once again, two great stories bringing a smile to my face. Well done my friend. @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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You’re right, Sheila. Someone should chain them up. I bonded one out the other day at Aldi’s for a quarter. Those folks know how to make their carts behave. She got out of line at the end of the check-out counter and made a mad dash for my car. Then she threw up several boxes of groceries in the back seat. I got fed up with that crap and towed her happy little wire basket back to the rack and chained her up. Got my quarter back too.
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Good for you!
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Dear Raul,
Damn gossiping shopping trolleys. Who nu? I’ll keep the light on for you.
Shalom,
Georgette
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Dear Georgette,
With mouths like they got, they can’t help but yak. I bet they’re always complaining about something, spilled ice cream, being left out in the rain, kids dirty diapers being left in their basket for a week under the hot sun . . . PLEASE! Give me a break. The next thing you know they’ll be crying about getting a pebble stuck in one of their tires.
Cart Talk-show Host,
Raul
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Hilarious, intro and story. I also feel better knowing that Wanda will be loved. You have excellent insight into the lives of shopping carts. If Raoul had a half-submerged Quick Mart, he’d have less work. Land customers can come in Wellies.
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Carol will be loved–and cherished. What more could a cart (or human) wish for?
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Value for money here – like a lot of supermarkets try to offer!
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Thank you, Mr. Binks. I appreciate the kind testimonial and endorsement.
We at “What;s So Funny” work hard to provide the very best in FF humor stories at the lowest possible price. If you can’t find the one you’re looking for, please notify the manager and he’ll order it from our vast network of humor warehouses.
I’m sending you two free coupons, good for any upcoming posts.
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I’m always sure of a giggle here, if not a downright explosion. I’ve given up reading you at breakfast – I was running out of J cloths.
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Thanks, Sandra. We have a 24 hour laundromat available if you need one.
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Dear Sir
I wish to complain in the most umbrella-like terms about the treatment doled out to Judy and Wanda, who, incidentally, has already undergone immense trauma converting from her picatorial origins.
Please bear in mind that shopping carts are people too!
Well, sort of.
Disgruntled, disconsolate and disenfranchised
Duntocher
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Dear Mr. Duntocher,
Your complaint has been duly noted and will be added to the agenda of the next Board of Directors meeting scheduled in February. We do not condone profiling or stereotyping and strive to treat each cart as an individual based on it’s own performance and behavior, recognizing that shopping carts should be treated with dignity and respect as people. Perhaps even more so than mermaids. Well, maybe.
Sincerely,
Customer Service
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Mermaids are tricky, especially when they’re after a human chap to give them babies. Raul had better be careful who he hires!
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I didn’t know they were expecting to propagate. That ads a whole new level of employee responsibility for Raul to deal with.
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i guess the mermaids are just plain bored. maybe he should hired them as security guards.
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Girls just love to shop.
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Oh that made me LOL.
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Thanks, Dawn.
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I like the idea of a shopping cart finding a loving home and when you live at the beach …. sand happens.
I had a great title for my story this week – “Shopping Cart Time Machine” but my muse apparently went swimming and left me high and dry.
Thanks for the laughs.
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I wish I could find a shopping cart that took the prices back thirty years. 🙂
Thanks for stopping by. We need to get that muse back on the job. I was looking forward to your post.
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I trust no beaches were harmed while writing this story then
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A little sand was disturbed, but it’s always rather temperamental during election years.
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Judy and Wanda got their just deserts, and I’m glad Carol found someone to love her. Nice. I like your mermaid story very much – didn’t expect that ending, but loved it.
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You mean they had desert? Where did I miss that? I’m always up for desert.
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Desert? I can’t believe I did that. Dessert. I meant dessert. 35 years an English teacher and I misspelled dessert. 😲
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You never have a spare quarter when you need it, right? As always, you deliver a funny story, making my day just a bit more brighter. Thank you!
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Aww, I’m blushing.
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keep it up you are delivering such funny blogs.
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Thank you. I’ll give you 30 minutes to stop saying stuff like that.
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hehehe Mermaid’s revenge. Do not build Quicki-Marts on our beaches 😉
I’m happy to know I’m not the only one who thinks inanimate objects are gossiping 🙂
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Inanimate objects are always spreading ugly rumors. No telling what they’ve said about this blog.
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And I thought that shoppers abandoned the carts when they heard the announcement that the fresh oysters had been moved to aisle C, no lines, no waiting, no carts! 😉
And I didn’t realize you were so into recycling…
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But where did they put the not-so-fresh oysters? Oh, they’re at Walmart. I should have known.
Rochelle prefers to call these reruns “Summer Classics” while I prefer to think of them as being in Syndication. That’s located somewhere near Purgatory if memory serves me correctly.
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Do you still get royalties?
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Having you visit and leave a comment is payment enough, my dear. 🙂
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