What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Outsourced
It appears we can’t manufacture anything in America anymore. All of our dry-goods, as my mother called them (clothing, shoes, linens, artificial cotton/cotton balls), come from foreign countries. Even Donald Trump had to import his current wife, Melania, from Yugoslavia because he couldn’t find a suitable young supermodel in the United States who would tolerate his super ego and constant bragging. Who knows what foreign, low-cost supplier he’ll turn to when it’s time to replace her with a new, younger model.
Politicians are always telling us how they are going to create new jobs. Let’s be honest, the only job a politician can create is another government job. I suppose if they all hire ten additional firm, young, interns it will add another 5,000+ new jobs in Washington, D.C. Such a move would likely stimulate more than just the economy in that town. Just ask Anthony Weiner.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Vice Chancellor of Intergalactic Blog & Comment Exchange is Paulette LeBrunett Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To view the writers on a wire in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Goot morning, Mr. Dayer. My name is Harvey (a.k.a. Ninjay Fuqua) and I’m calling to renew your free circumcision to Colon & Bladder magazine. Dis call may be monitored to enjoy your complete dissatisfaction. Now, if I may ass you a few questions to confirm your conscription. Your name is Rushell Dayer, correct?”
“Yeah, that’s close enough.”
“And de name of your company is Tasty Fooze?”
“That’s right.”
“Hookay, sir. Tank you merry much. To confirm we spoke—what was your mudder’s maiden game?”
“Scott.”
“Snot? Hookay, berry goot,sir. Tank you, Mr. Dayer and employ your free prescription to Colon & Bladder. Goot day.”
43 Comments on “Outsourced”
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What's So Funny? 
You’ve done it again to my compete lack of dissatisfaction ~ mailed me smile then laugh oot lout. Tank you, Mr. Dayer.
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Hookay, Berry goot!
Dis blog may be retarded for Quality Insurance porpoises.
Hap a goot day, Ms Jamtass.
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he ho ha! Those porpoises got an ear-full!
I don’t think they (whoever they are) monitor for quality control. I routinely point out their mistakes and yet nothing has changed.
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They are monitoring for your complete dissatisfaction. As long as nothing changes, they’ve achieved that goal.
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This was downright silly.
Loved it.
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Silly is as silly does.
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Dear Peggy,
I’m sure ve is stalking on de fone many times. But dees ees to warning you dat IRS has turn you over to Secret Serbings vere dey vill roast your tuchas over de hottish coals. Hab a good day.
Pish and lubby dubby,
Paulette
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Dear Paulette,
I haven’t heard Trump’s plan for bringing these telemarketer jobs back home, but I’m sure he has one. Just once, it would be nice hear voice from Alabama call and start the conversation with, “How y’all are?”
Ring-a-ling,
Rushell
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LOL. This reminds me of the movie Slumdog Millionaires and that phonecall from Scotland. Very funny.
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and don’t forget the lovely accent of Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther movies.
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Berry berry goot – laffing berry much 😀
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Tank you, Dahlia. Me appreciate your comment. 🙂
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I can’t compete with this story or the comments but this made me laugh through my morning coffee. I had to use Google translate:
Foreign TelemarketerAmerican English but it was worth it.
Tracey ,that’s T R A C E Y
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Tank you, Ms Spacey.
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What was the accent? Not Cockney, surely!
Hilarious. Exactly what telemarketers do!
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I’m not sure, but I tink dose calls come from India.
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You are a demi-god, sir, or at least 50% of you is.
I feel enlightened.
I always thought Ninja’s surname was spelt ‘Phucca’.
Scoot stay to you, Ms Gaynor.
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He’d probably say, “That’s ‘Martha,’ to you.” 😀
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Is that with one “ph” or two?
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berry goot,sir.
LOL great. 🙂
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Tank you berry much.
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Completely barmy and unfortunately true to life – well done!
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Yes, unfortunately, this one is NOT fiction.
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I had a communications prof at Warrensburg (Central Missouri) who talked about — “Thee Lee-boh-tay-lee-en thee-oh-ree ahv shoo-mahn bings, you see …” then he would pause briefly and blink his eyes and continue. I actually learned a lot about satellites from him, but all I remembered is my imitating him to a “T” and the class laughing.
Like they say in the furniture business, drop your drawers.
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Did he wear glasses? Somehow, I can visualize this man.
I can also see you as the class cut-up. Poor guy.
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No, I wasn’t ornery enough for the class cut-up and I was in graduate school by then. He didn’t wear glasses, he was young. But, like i said, I really got a LOT out of his classes.
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A lot of material for future stories it sounds like.
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Hilarious, Russell. Here in India, many people speak English but I sometimes don’t get an English speaker–not even close. They hear my American accent, there’s a silence, then they hang up. They don’t know what else to do.. 😀 — Suzanne
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Unfortunately, they don’t hang up on me, but I have been known to hang up on them.
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What a great voice!
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If you’d just send him $2,500, he’d loved to come and meet you.
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LOL
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Colon and Bladder Magazine is absolutely one of my favorites, especially with its “Bladder of the Month” feature and “Colin Powell on Colons,” which the good general knows almost as much about as he does about assholes. Now I’ve heard that guy on the phone speaks somewhat like you but I know that can’t be true because you never had a circumcision, free or otherwise.
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You’re right on all counts, Perry. I think it’s nice that Colon & Bladder published your articles, “Love Your Enemas” and “Turn the Other Cheek.” A free circumcision is one thing I’ll pass on. I came into this world with my foreskin and plan on taking it with me when I leave.
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Totally wacky. My head’s spinning. I love the voice, but I bet he loses a lot of subscribers – er, prescribers, conscribers – whatever.
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Nah, it’s a FREE magazine. Besides, everyone wants a copy of Colon and Bladder.
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Ha… I have a tendency to loose patience a lot faster… but then there is no free subscription of Colon & Bladder. in wait,,, I might have been patient for that…
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Some things are worth the inconvenience of a telemarketer’s call, and Colon & Bladder is definitely one of them.
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Hilarious, Dude! Let’s get rid of democracy completely! It’s such a pain in the butt! Things were going fine when King George III was ruling us until those idiots Washington, Jefferson and all the rest stuck their big noses into the situation!
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There is something to be said for royalty. In the words of Mel Brooks, “It’s good to be King.”
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I just had a telemarketer call me. His name was Josh. He talked nonstop. Wouldn’t let me get a word in. I tried to politely tell him to go away. He just kept speed-talking his schpeel. I finally had to talk over him to say I was hanging up…and then did just that. But he spoke perfect, unpunctuated, obnoxious English.
On another matter, you mentioned Melania Trump in the same discussion with importing “dry goods.” I bet she wouldn’t care for that. I’m sure she is quite moisturized. Just sayin’…
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That was probably me. I sometimes use an alias when stalking blonde, west coast editors, although no one has ever described my English as perfect. Obnoxious, yes, but with a hint of Southern slang.
I’m sure Melania was quite moist when she met Donald, but he has the ability to bring out the sour puss in anyone.
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Well, shut my mouth! Russ, I’ve never heard even one y’all from you (did you hear my Southern accent?). As for Melania, she must have an expensive beauty regimen to protect her from all that hot air she faces every day. 😉
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