Russell Gayer, author speaker
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
Finding ways to make words sparkle
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
All the Blogging That's Fit To Print
AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
A Humor Blog
Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind
Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!
An author's perspective of mystery and more.
And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
Dear Stevie,
Not only excerpt week, but blooper week as well. I’ve don’t think I’ve unintentionally rerun a photo prompt before. Just dye my face red. Your excerpt makes me want to read more.
I remember going with my mother to the beauty school when I was a small child. Those were the days of permanents, bubble hairstyles and pink-dyed hair. (And people look askance at the women who are dying their hair rainbow colors. There’s nothing new under the hairdryer, is there?) And, yeah…what’s up with it being called a ‘permanent?’
Ducking to avoid flying porta-potties,
Red-faced Paulette Michell
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Dear Paulette,
We can only assume you were browsing through a hairstyle magazine while sitting in a porta-potty when the rerun photo prompt accident occurred. People in my parent’s day were big on using corn cobs and pages from the Sears & Roebuck catalog, but As One Must, One Can.
If you chose to color your hair, I suspect Purple would be the color of choice. One advantage of being naturally curly is that you don’t have to bother with a permanent that’s only temporary.
Stevie
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Haha that made me laugh
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Good. Laughter is medicine for the soul.
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It is 🙂
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I almost spilled my beer laughing. Great story
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I glad that was an “almost” Neil. Beer is a terrible thing to waste.
Some people cry over spilt milk, but spilling beer is much more heartbreaking.
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Still laughing. Inimitable.
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Inimitable, what a nice compliment. Thank you very much!
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Why is Stevie called a seeing-eye dog?
He can hardly be a seeing-ear or -nose dog, can he?
Which is probably just as well when he is in the khazi with Mr K.
Whose sobriquet also confuses me, suggesting as it does that some vegetables have the power of sight.
So, to summarise, an excellent tale, thoroughly enjoyable.
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Since I’m practically deaf, I often introduce my wife as my listening-ear-girl. It’s amazing what that woman can hear, although sometimes I don’t think her translations are 100% honest as she tends to make snide little remarks such as, “I said your hair looks nice.”
Obviously, there’s more to Mr. Keller’s nickname than meets the eye–and we do know that some vegetables have the power of sight, such as the potato, who is famous for having multiple eyes.
And glad you enjoyed it, and by the way, Your Hair Looks Nice.
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And it’s game, set and match to Russell!
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What fascinating images you paint. Was the tornado a gas explosion😀
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Actually, a runaway combine slammed into it.
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Tore off some paper to do the paperwork… gah! You kill me! Where you come up with your toilet humour… oh wait. This really is in a toilet!!
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The job is never finished until you do the paperwork, Dale.
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So absolutely true, Russell… not done, it leaves behind a messy business for others…😆
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Yes, I could write volumes about that too.
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Lol, thanks for the note about Stevie’s identity! Good job.
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I had to do some serious editing to get this passage down to the 100 word limit. Blind Rutabaga and Stevie appear in a couple of other major scenes in the book. It should go to print sometime this year.
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This piece surely has to win an award of some kind!
But then, on the other hand, a gold statue of a porta-potty might not be what you’d want to display on your mantle.
The story instantly reminded me of the true story told by a woman who (with her husband) visited one of those self-cleaning, ‘on-the-street’ toilets that are fairly common in Europe. Each time a person uses the toilet and leaves, the door locks and the entire room is totally cleaned. Water and cleanser wash the seat – top and bottom- the bowl, the floor — everything. But this couple decided the wife would go in first, and when she finished and exited, instead of closing the door, she just held it open for her husband. He went in, closed the door, and the automatic toilet thought the occupant had left, and it was time to clean. So it locked the door and starting hosing down everything. The man got soaked. I think I’m going to have to use that in one of my novels.
Nice work, Russell
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Truth is stranger than fiction, Sandra.
That’s a great story and would make a great scene. Perhaps C.E. could play the part of the husband in the film version.
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What a way to go.
’nuff said.
“Blind Rutabaga?” Really?
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I was headed toward Blind Melon Chitlin’ when I made a wrong turn in the produce section.
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Hahahahaha! To get your jazz name you have to first have an ailment, then a food or something, put them together.
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My sympathy is with the dog. No mutt should have to accompany his owner into the smallest room. I hope he ran off with the toilet roll…
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I’ve held the leash while my dog used the bathroom before. There’s really not much difference. At least he doesn’t have to pick up Mr. Keller’s droppings.
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Favorite line? The little plastic building exploded. Oh, the visions I’m having!
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When you run into one with a Yuge (Trump pronunciation) combine, that’s what happens. They pop like a piñata–but it isn’t candy that covers the ground.
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Oh my. No words. None. Not a single thing to say. Well, that is not exactly the truth. Oh, my. HA! Too funny for words.
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My Mama used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, just smile and nod.”
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Or use a figure of speech, like bless your heart.
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Exactly. People say that one to me a lot. 🙂
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I have a phobia of outdoor toilets for this very reason. Your story stinks to high heaven, bless your heart and pass the air freshener.
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My daughter got me some Poo-Pourri spray for Christmas. If you’re not familiar with the product, here’s the link to their website, https://www.poopourri.com/
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Two hilarious stories once again! Too funny! 🙂 I have always been afraid to use the outdoor toilets for this exact reason. If it falls over, it would be very difficult to get out; not to mention the mess 🙂
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I’ve heard of some being tipped over on their door, trapping the occupants inside. Not a pleasant thought.
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BAM, you have lodged an unwanted image in my mind that I will forever associated with “paperwork”.
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Blind Rutabaga will be please to know you’re thinking of him every time you do the “paperwork.”
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i’m glad they survived. hopefully, all the important parts are still operational. 🙂
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They didn’t catch anything that couldn’t be washed off.
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Exploding khazi, brilliant laugh, thanks.
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Just more potty humor. Thanks, Mick.
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Those temporary toilets scare the sh*t out of me.
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Me too. 🙂
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Had to laugh at your “temporary” story. I am glad my permanent fix didn’t stay with me for too long. I looked like a poodle (with no offense to the dogs). Loved the humorous take on the prompt.
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Mom looked like a poodle too. Even our dog didn’t recognize her.
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YIKES … those things are awful. I never use them. Reading about them reminds me of how awful they are.
But, I have to admit this was funny. Although, I don’t the people in the path of the falling posty were happy.
Isadora 😎
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There are times when ports-potties are the only alternative. I can just see the marching band going around this thing. Thanks for your comment, Isadora.
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Oh yes … there are times that those nasty units are needed. For years, I did outdoor art festivals and there was no other alternative but to use them. 😜 Looking back I don’t know how I did. Today … grateful for indoor plumbing. 😎
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Hilarious! Glad I found your blog
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I’m glad too, Gabe. Welcome to What’s So Funny
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Funny stuff, Russell. I used to go sometimes with my mom to the beauty parlor. She’d buy comic books and I’d sit and read. That was the late 40’s and they still had the machines they hooked women up to. I guess they cooked the wave into the hair in those days. Good humor writing as usual. The new book sounds like a winner. All the best. 😀 — Suzanne
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I remember those machines. Kids today would think those hair dryers were some type of brain wave or virtual reality machine. And don’t forget the gossip. The hair salon was Gossip Central, especially in small towns.
I’m pretty excited about the new book. I hope it’s well received.
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When I read your posts I get sensory overload. I read a couple of your posts but decided to comment on this one, your great at creating the environment around your stories and inviting the audience in on your experience. Where are you from?
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I live just outside a college town (Fayetteville) in NW Arkansas. I appreciate your comment.
When I started blogging five years ago, I was hoping to create an interactive experience with the readers. Over time, I have developed some great relationships with fellow bloggers. We read and comment on each other’s posts and sometimes I even write them into my stories in a teasing manner.
I think it’s important to show your human side and poke fun at yourself now and then. People also respond well to events and incidents they can relate to–like going with your mom to the hairdresser, or getting sent to the principal’s office in elementary school. We’ve all shared similar experiences and I like to recall those in hopes of connecting with the reader.
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I swear every week I get just as much enjoyment from the comments as I do your stories. And that’s saying something!
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That makes me smile, Dawn. I look forward to the comments too. That’s where the conversation occurs that makes blogging fun. Some people just click the “like” button–and I appreciate those too–but I love it when people take the time write a comment and share a little bit of themselves. It’s what keeps me writing this silliness every week.
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This was a delight to read, even if my phone won’t show me the image to accompany the post. I loved your turn of phrase “handling the paperwork” also glad you explained who Stevie was, otherwise I pictured a tandem Porto-John with room for two.
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Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for going back a week to read an older post. No project is complete until the paperwork is finished.
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