What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Rife for the Picking
Last Saturday, Jan Wayne Fields and I, along with his wife, Lil’ Whats-Her-Name, attended the February OWL meeting in Branson. In the afternoon session, a pair of esteemed editors critiqued submissions of opening paragraphs. The subject of grammar came up and both mentioned their aversion to writing with colons.
Those who follow this blog know that I sometimes write from the lower intestinal tract. The Master of colon writing is Dave Barry. He even published a study the subject entitled “A Journey Into My Colon—And Yours.” In one version, he asks the doctor ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, the nurse who will prep you for your deep cleansing of 100 words is Cloris “Nurse Diesel” Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
copyright – Sarah Potter
Scattered snow-showers with a chance of breakfast
At six am on Groundhog Day, the Nasal Falls Volunteer Fire Department pushed their lone engine out into the wintry blast to make room for the voting booths.
Father Kowalski and the firemen huddled for a quick prayer, petitioning God to postpone any unnecessary fires or cat-in-the-tree rescues until the polls were closed.
By seven-fifteen a line had formed on the downwind side of the building. The threesome stood with their arms crossed, gloved hands tucked under their armpits, shuffling their feet like little penguins, and hoping a polar bear looking for breakfast didn’t round the corner.
The above is a snippet from One Idiot Short of a Village
56 Comments on “Rife for the Picking”
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What's So Funny? 
Dear Father Kowalski,
I have to say I read a lot of fiction with colons and semicolons; some of it is even on the Best Seller list. Still a cleanse is a good idear. I can’t wait to read the rest of this story. It was good to see you and your long-suffering Connie. It’s a little difficult to relate to the snow when spring is happening all around us. Whassupwitdat? Our weatherman says not to worry; it will be cold tomorrow. Laughing too hard to write more.
Shalom:
Nurse Diesel: Cloris to my friends; purple-obsessed-pygmy to others
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Dear Nurse Diesel,
You know, I’ve always wondered about semi-colons. Does it mean they are partial or incomplete colons, or are they super large, like a semi-trailer sized colons? Some of the colons I’ve met turned out to be real rectums in the end.
I still don’t think it was fair that you stood on a chair when Jan took our picture, but I guess you wanted him to get more than just the top of your head in the photo.
Now, say three Hail Mary’s and get back in the bus driver’s seat
Father Kowalski
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Hi,
One of the Others
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From that fabulous intro to that hungry polar bear – amazing stuff!
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Thanks, Loré. I’m thrilled that I could share all this important information about colons. As Nurse Diesel always says, “Take good care of your colon, and it’ll take good care of you.”
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That does not bode well…polar bears ’round the corner? I’m surprised anyone turns up to vote if that’s the possibility!
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Just over 40% of the populace in the US voted in the last election. It wasn’t polar bears that kept them home–but something far worse–apathy. I hope you Canucks have a higher turn out.
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We’re not that fabulous either…
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But at least you have bears.
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Funny as ever, Russell.
Re semi-colons, are they just half-assed?
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I think they are, C.E. Was it a lack of growth on their part, or just a lazy, lackadaisical attitude? My guess is the later.
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I’m now adding the polar bear excuse to my repertoire! As in, “too cold to shovel the walk; there might be polar bears out there”.
I’ve heard several people talk out of their colons; never saw anyone write with one.
-signed Nurse Ratchet 😀
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Dear Nurse Rachet,
The excuse sounds plausible to me. Anything that gets me out of work is good in my book.
As for the talking colons, it’s probably good that they didn’t write. It would have just been potty-mouth stuff anyway.
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LOL 😀
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I would have prayed to keep the polar bears away as well!
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I’ll ask Father Kowalski to add that into his petitions.
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I used to love colons. But since I spend so much time at the GI doctor these days, the sight of colons makes me twitch. And semicolons? Even worse. They are like colons with mild health problems.
About the tale, I like the the lighthearted tone… the small details, too. I mean, to be able to comfortably fit a firemen, a priest, plus the thought of cats, fires and polar bears in a 100-story is rather brilliant… and grin worthy.
By the way, I suffer of severe ellipses. It’s chronic… I’m sure.
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It takes a lot of courage to go public with a condition such as chronic ellipses. So many people are in denial, or are embarrassed by their addiction to a trio of dots.
While we’re confessing–I have an affinity for the em dash. Some have found it annoying—and you can tell me if you do, I won’t be hurt—when a writer inserts a thought into the midst of another one that’s not yet complete?
I’m glad you enjoyed the snippet from the Idiot Tale, and I thoroughly loved your comment. Thanks so much for stopping by.
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Oh, to have such a dashing disease, and not just dots…
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Ha. We should treat the colon with care I think. Polar bears are for real in cities like Churchill 😉
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You certainly don’t want your colons to become inflamed and leave you with colitis.
I wonder if the polar bears are picky about their political taste? I always assumed they were nonpartisan, but with all this hoopla about immigration they may be dining strictly along party lines.
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A colon: very important for your health; the semicolon has its uses, I’m told. Fun as always.
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Yes, keeping your colon in good shape is important, especially if you write non-fiction.
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They need to just chop a hole in the ice, line the edges with peas and when the polar bear comes out to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole. Simple.
Five out of five “Now at the hour of our Desi Arnaz’s.”
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I could see that one coming, Kent. The “ice hole” joke is probably older than Perry (if that’s possible).
Thanks for the Desi’s. I feel honored.
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It came from a book by Dick Van Dyke back in the early 70’s called “Faith, Hope and Hilarity.” Kind of a Kids Say The Darnedest Things In Sunday School. The variations on the Hail Mary was a hoot. That was one of the lines some kid said. Apropos, yes?
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Creative as always. I am left wondering what they are voting for.
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Good question. They are voting on a bond measure to fund the Village Idiot project.
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I should have known. 🙂
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Good idiots don’t come cheap, you know.
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Up to their armpits in polar bear ice holes? What kinda fire department are they runnin’ up there in Nasal Falls? Careful of cracks around those ice holes.
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Good point, Honie. There’s always a crack leading straight to the ice hole. Better order some crack spackle.
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Our nearest port in Tenerife was called Puerto Colon, which caused some hilarity among the uneducated Brits.It actually means Columbus Port, but not a lot of people know that 🙂
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Talk about sneaking in the back door. That’s hilarious. 🙂
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I am sure the winning candidate would not have hesitated to send his stooges disguised as polar bears to scare off the other candidate’s voters.
To which part of the body do ellipses belong to?
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Rumor has it the bears were Russian immigrants.
The ellipses come from an area that most people are pretty modest about. In fact, you would probably be arrested if your ellipses were showing.
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I’ll never look at colons the same.
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So, tell me Dawn, how much time do you spend looking at colons? Is it a hobby?
I can just hear you saying, “That’s a colon if I ever saw one.” 🙂
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LOL
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Thats what you get for being a Nasal Fall guy. What an interesting slice of life from the Fire Dept.
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It’s quite an interesting little community. Hopefully, it will be classified as a village soon.
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I loved this cameo of Nasal Falls and the characters there!
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Thanks. I’ll be sending the manuscript to the editor soon. The book should come out later this year.
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I look forward to reading more
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The ellipses come from an area that most people are pretty modest about. It actually means Columbus Port, but not a lot of people know that 🙂
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Dear Mary,
You must have read the comments. 🙂 Thank you for wading in and bringing insight and expertise to the ellipse issue. I must confess I was totally clueless where the came from or why. Are they used in other languages, or is their contagious infective nature strictly limited to English?
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The ellipses come from an area that most people are pretty modest about.
I can just hear you saying, “That’s a colon if I ever saw one.
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I’ve seen far more colons than ellipses in my time. But what about a partial colon eclipse? Would that be considered a semi-colon?
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The ellipses come from an area that most people are pretty modest about. 🙂
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I try to keep mine covered.
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The ellipses come from an area that most people are pretty modest about. 🙂
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The ellipses come from an area that most people are pretty modest about. I look forward to reading more
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The ellipses come from an area that most people are pretty modest about. But what about a partial colon eclipse?
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That depends. Is it a partial eclipse, or a partial colon?
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I look forward to reading more But what about a partial colon eclipse?
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I facial expression forward to meter reading more But what about a fond(p) El Salvadoran colon occult? I facial expression forward to meter reading more
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