What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Days of Whine and Moses
Tomorrow is Connie’s birthday—and it’s The Big One. This will be the thirty-ninth anniversary of the day she turned twenty-one. How she can still look so young and attractive while I’ve just gotten old is amazing to me.
What do you get for the woman who has everything? One year I got her a lawnmower, another time it was a garden tiller. She already has one of those fancy two-wheel, wheel barrows. Perhaps she’d like a new barbeque grill. What’d you think?
If this is your first visit to Friday Flash Fiction, our expert on 100-word gifts is Betty Boop Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block, click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson
Young Herschel curled his upper lip and chewed as if he were taste-testing a dried cow patty.
“You call this a feast?” Breadcrumbs spewed from his open mouth as he spoke. “I can’t believe you got lost in the deli and spent the next forty minutes wandering around looking for milk and honey. Then, you come home with week-old pizza, a salad made from thistles, and sour wine that reeks of vinegar.”
“We’re celebrating our heritage, son.” His mother feigned a wry smile.
“Oh, I remember. The Feast of Unleavened Cardboard.”
“Yes, and your liberation from electronic devices.”
“But Mommm!”
58 Comments on “The Days of Whine and Moses”
I'd love to hear from you
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 
Dear Herschel,
A word to the wise. Lavish heaps of extravagance on Connie. 😉 She might let you live.
Loved your slice of unleavened humor. In every Jewish family, Kosher whine is essential.
Boob boob a doop and happy Passover
Betty
LikeLike
Dear Betty,
Are you suggesting I break the bank and purchase a new Kubota tractor for long-suffering Connie? Perhaps I should consider one with a backhoe attachment. She keeps muttering about digging a hole six-foot deep.
I was thinking of all my Jewish friends this morning when I wrote this little episode of teenage angst. I’m glad it rose to the occasion–even without yeast.
Happy Easter,
Herschel
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Herschel,
Yeast is yeast as they say…I was thinking of something a bit more, shall we say, feminine for the longsuffering Connie.
Happy Pascal,
Betty
LikeLike
I’m open to suggestions. In fact, I’m thinking of calling her best bud and begging for help.
LikeLike
This must be almost every parents dream, liberation from children’s electronic devices
LikeLike
Wouldn’t that be something. You might even have an actual conversation with one of them.
LikeLike
Love it! A modern seder meal.. LOL! “Feast of unleavened cardboard”, oh man, I’m cackling with laughter. Better watch it, that man across the way is giving me funny looks. Probably thinks I’ve been hitting the sacramental wine a little too much. Hehehe… little does he realize that I replaced the wine with Kedem grape juice… totally Kosher. heehee. Happy Passover! May the Matzos be with you!
LikeLike
Thanks, Jelli. I’m glad you found it entertaining. If you look at the pizza real close you can see a few stray hairs from Moses’ beard.
Better drink the grape juice before it ferments. Happy feasting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent. When I was reading your contemplation of what to get Connie, I was reminded of Homer Simpson’s birthday gift to Marge: a bowling ball inscribed with the word HOMER. “Well…if you don’t want it, Marge, I know someone who does!”
LikeLike
Oh, so you’re suggesting I buy her some new fishing tackle? I like that idea.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Precisely.
LikeLike
Happy Birthday to Connie! I would rethink my birthday present if I would be you, or you will eat the pizza in the dog house, 🙂
As for the post, I loved it.
LikeLike
It would likely be Unleavened Cardboard. I’ll make sure to give Buster (our dog) a bath just in case we have to share close quarters.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good idea 🙂
LikeLike
Happy Birthday to Connie! Please buy her something sparkly!
Liberation from electronic devices sounds like a good holiday! Matzo Tov 😉
LikeLike
I hold the title as The World’s Worst Gift Buyer. In the forty-two years we’ve been married, I’ve yet to get it right. There’s no reason to think I’d do any better today. Perhaps, I’ll just pin a bow on my shirt along with a tag that reads, “To Connie, From God.” Ha!
LikeLike
Re your remarks on lovely Connie’s anniversary, I am unclear as to whether you are overly courageous, suicidal or just plain dumb.
(But a power drill is a good present, especially If you have electricity.)
And I am confused – yeah, imagine – by YH’s comment about the salad.
What else do you put in it other than delicious thistles?
Old Moses must be one of the few dudes in any culture who managed to stay drunk for 40 years.
Even in Glasgow that would be considered impressive.
LikeLike
They have a saying here in the South, “He’s sharp as a marble.” I resemble that remark. The power drill is an excellent idea as she is always borrowing mine and never returning it to it’s designated storage location.
As for YH’s comment regarding salad, if he’ll saturate it in Ranch dressing, as 50% of Americans do, he could probably eat grass clippings and think it was divine. It’s not mentioned in the Bible, but I’m pretty sure Ol’ Moses begat some offspring with a Gentile woman. This tribe later became known as Scots, which is part of my heritage as well.
LikeLike
My father used to say, “sharp as a matzo ball.” Fits with the season. 😉 If I’m not mistaken, Moses married Yvonne DiCarlo. (Ready for my close up, Mr. De Mille.
LikeLike
Got a fright there, thought you said Gentlewoman, knew that couldn’t be right. There seemed to be quite a bit of begetting in those days, glad that habit has died out, although the Scots did a fair chunk of it all over North America. And Australia, New Zealand, most of Africa…
LikeLike
Ha! That’ll teach him!
Happy Birthday to Connie!
LikeLike
Youth can be so ungrateful. Thanks for stopping by, Sascha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
How is it possible that our stories ended with the exact same word? Freeeaky! Happy Birthaversary to Connie.
LikeLike
Twisted minds think alike? Those Birthaversaies are really starting to pile up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Congrats to your wife. Twenty-nine plus interest. I agree with the Magic Mermaid. Buy her something sparkly. How about a DIY backyard fountain kit? Lots of sparkly bubbly—a Mermaid would be happy with that.
As to Moses, he did indeed marry a Gentile wife, Jethro’s daughter. But Moses was reported as “the meekest man that ever lived”. So how does that make him an ancestor of the Scots? 😉
LikeLike
How about a soap bubbles bottle (say that 3 times real fast)? They sparkle.
As for Moses’ descendants, the next generation rarely turns like we wish they would. With all that Old Testament begatting going on, there was bound to be a Scot in the woodpile sooner or later.
LikeLike
First of all… I knew Connie was special! Our birthdays are one day apart!
As for your story… You are a hoot and a half, sir!
LikeLike
You’re both special in my book. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah shucks…😘
LikeLike
By all means, Russell, call her best friend. It may be your best survival technique. I think young Herschel has learned a valuable lesson here. He should eat his unleavened bread and keep quiet. Great humor writing, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne
LikeLike
Thanks, Suzanne. If this turns out to be my last post you’ll know I screwed up on the birthday gift.
LikeLike
Trying to instil tradition in teenagers can be an uphill struggle. No electronics is a very good idea.
LikeLike
Yes, they’re not too receptive to “the old ways.” It takes some maturity to appreciate your culture.
LikeLike
Although all your posts are more than fun to read, I do believe this is one of my favorites. Perhaps “flower of the month” for Connie. Who doesn’t like a beautiful bouquet once in awhile?
LikeLike
What a sweet comment, Alicia. I had fun writing this one, especially the title.
Connie was a professional gardener for several years. In fact, our home and gardens will be a stop on Flower, Garden, and Nature Society annual tour on the 1st weekend in June. Part of the joy of growing flowers is cutting a bouquet for someone else and seeing their face light up.
LikeLike
Great fun once more. You never disappoint in you humor, so maybe you can be forgiven your bad gift giving.
LikeLike
Aww, I appreciate that. She’s spent the last forty-two years forgiving me for various things. Poor gift selection is a minor offense compared to some of my other antics.
LikeLiked by 1 person
May I suggest some potted flowers for her garden, chocolates or whatever other sweets she likes, scented bath soap, a fluffy terrycloth bathrobe, some scented candles, a bottle of her favorite wine, and an afternoon of peaceful relaxation?
The story is cute. I liked the Passover references. It would be cook if a teenager could really come up with that statement.
LikeLike
Connie would love you. You’re full of good ideas.
Glad you enjoyed my Passover piece. I had to take liberties with the teenager’s dialogue. After all, this is supposed to be fiction. 🙂
LikeLike
*cool not cook and I can’t even blame auto correct.
LikeLike
How about you give Connie a return ticket to Australia so she could salvage my garden? We are a short walk from the beach, which she’d love. However, that also accounts for our poor, sandy soil.
My husband disconnected our TV for a few days when our son had son assignments due and he discovered his book. I can tell you, I wasn’t the one who reconnected the TV. I was thrilled to see what the effects that no TV and no electronics on on the lad. Bring it on!
I really enjoyed the flash. It was hilarious!
xx Rowena
LikeLike
Reading a book? How novel. 🙂 It might open his mind to some new horizons.
Glad the story gave you a giggle.
LikeLike
Great Passover story – unleavened bread livened by a pizza topping.
LikeLike
I’m told even cardboard is tasty if you add enough tomato sauce and cheese.
LikeLike
Great humour again. I especially enjoyed the title.
LikeLike
Thanks, Mick. Once I had the title, the rest practically wrote itself.
LikeLike
Happy birthday to Connie. I hope you spoil her with no cardboard food or garden tools.
Love your story. The first line is so attention grabbing – ‘taste-testing a dried cow patty’ and your characters so strong. Smiling and re-reading. ☺
LikeLike
I think she was really hoping for a new chainsaw, but I don’t trust her with sharp instruments when she’s mad.
Thanks for the nice comment about the cow patty. Never tried one, but I bet they’re chewy.
LikeLike
Oh yes, the electronic devices. I had the pleasure of having afternoon tea with a 15-year-old the other day, who was more interested in her mobile than chocolate fudge cake. Would you believe it? Yes, I guess you would, which is why you wrote this response to the prompt 😉
LikeLike
Our adult children and the grandkids are all electronic addicts. If Connie had been to your tea party, you wouldn’t have to worry about the cake not being eaten. She is a chocoholic.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ironically, I read this on Easter and have finished my matzo; oy! Clever mama here, snarky kid… doesn’t sound like fiction to me! 😉 As for Connie, surprise her with a special night out: concert tickets, wine and pizza?
LikeLike
Maybe the kid will start a new story to pass down for generations about his hardships and suffering from being deprived the use of electronics. It could have been worse. What if they’d been observing Lent instead of Passover?
Maybe I’ll take her to our Grandson’s baseball game and buy her a hotdog–kosher, of course.
LikeLike
I started smiling at the title and kept on till the end with only a brief grimace at the thought of a wheelbarrow for your wife’s birthday. Hope her day was fun, as every day with you, surely is. 😉
LikeLike
I think she enjoyed her birthday. The weekend was very busy though, and quite tiring. She’d be quick to tell you that not every day with me is fun. Thanks for stopping by and for the sweet comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hope your wife enjoyed her birthday! It’s not just kids who are stuck with electronic devices. When my mum was still with us, I couldn’t take her out for coffee without her chatting to someone on whatsapp. I used to get so annoyed. Once she found Facebook and whatsapp, she was so thrilled she could keep in contact with relatives overseas 24/7. I was the old soul who longed for the good old days. haha!
LikeLike
Wow, that’s an amazing twist. Those toys are addictive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha I’m already imagining Connie as a saint for being married to you for so long and receiving gifts like those.
The visual of breadcrumbs spewing from Herschel’s mouth while he spoke was probably my favorite part of the story because it was so vivid that I was thrown into the story.
LikeLike
She is an angel.
Glad you enjoyed the spewing bread crumbs. I hope you could visualize putting a hand up to deflect them.
LikeLiked by 1 person