What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Dumb as a Rock
Yesterday, I went to the store with the intention of buying three specific items. I took a list. This is a tool people my age use when they can’t remember what they had for breakfast. Just for the record, I had sausage, or ham, or maybe bacon. With egg and cheese on an English muffin, or a biscuit, or was it toast? Who cares? The point is, I had a list!
A list may sound confining, but mine was filled with freedom. I could add up to eight more items and still qualify for the Express Lane. Naturally, I took advantage of this by adding a few non-essentials like cookies, potato chips, and beer. After a two-hour ordeal in the Express Lane, I finally made it home with my purchases.
“Where are the three items I asked you to pick up?” said Connie, after rummaging through the Fast & Friendly bags. “I thought you had a list.” ~ OY!
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, our expert on 100 Word memory joggers is Alexis Trebek Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
I began growing dumber the moment our children turned 13. This rapid declined continued until I achieved the status, “Dumber than a rock.”
When dealing with rocks, I’ve discovered they are extremely stubborn. I tried praise and encouragement. The rock refused to budge. When that didn’t work, I resorted to screaming, cursing and name-calling.
After pondering the intellect of rocks, I came to the conclusion they are not stupid, just strong-willed.
Teenagers may think they have all the answers, but they’ll find it’s like banging their head against a stone wall when they try to match wits with a rock.
62 Comments on “Dumb as a Rock”
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What's So Funny? 
What a wonderful whimsy
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Glad you enjoyed it, Neil.
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Dear Rock Hudstone,
When we go grocery shopping, which has become a togetherness thing, we always take a list. It’s an app called Cozi that we both have on our phones so we can sync. If I put something in the basket, Hubsand will whisk out his phone and say, “Is that on the list?” Funny, how when we get to the checkout, there are dessert loaves, chocolates and strawberry shortcake that weren’t on the list. Nor did Yours Truly place them there. Hmmm. You think when the kids are grown and gone mystery items won’t magically appear in the grocery trolley.
As for teenagers…Wasn’t it Mark Twain who said that when your child turned thirteen you should lock him in barrel and feed him through a hole? When he turns sixteen, plug up the hole. Fortunately they do tend to become humans around 18. However, I’ve lived long enough to see what happens to male children when they go through midlife crisis. It ain’t pretty.
There I am running off at the fingers. I’ll take Adolescence with Valium for $100.
Shalom,
Alexis Trebek
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I have the perfect answer for you, Rochelle: a phone with a scanner. As items are placed in the basket the scanner picks up the bar code — and if it’s not something on your Cozi list, an alarm sets off a booming version of the William Tell overture. 🙂
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Oh man! That must be crazy!!
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Where can I market my brilliant idea. I need an agent. 🙂
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Dear Alexis Trebek,
BING! BING! BING! BING! – You hit the Daily Double! The answer is where always get two stories for the price of one. How much would you like to wager?
I can’t believe what Hi-Tech shoppers you and Jan are. I can just see you two tag-teaming down the grocery aisle piling confections in your cart at a rate of 4 to 1 compared to the items on the list.
Jesse ran away from home for 2 weeks when he was 15 or 16. The cops ran across him and held him till his mom got there. She didn’t know whether to cry or beat him to death. Shortly thereafter, I wrote a song entitled, “I’ve Got an IQ of 40.” But I’m sure raising me wasn’t a piece of cake either.
Watch out for those stone walls,
Rock Hudstone
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Very witty. Thanks for making me smile.
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Thank you for smiling. Mission accomplished.
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Two fabulous LOL stories for the price of one!
The list often mocks me! Armed with the best of intentions I bring the list and then ignore it. It’s amazing how much we think we know at 18, only to chastise ourselves mid-life wondering what on earth were we thinking. Circle of life! 😀
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The list mocks me too. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without them. I think I’ll name mine Hazel.
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I was beginning to get quite depressed reading this week’s yarns, then I read yours! Thank you for lightening my day.
Please click to read my FriFic
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Well, I’m glad it worked for you. Your comment is music to my ears.
I’ll be by soon to read yours.
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And life can be rather like granite it times. 🙂
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You got that right, Christine. I’ve hit the wall many times myself.
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Never forget the list!!! I have done that! Left the list at home and get home with everything except what I went to the store for!! LOL! I think they call that old age! 😉
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I’m not going to admit to that, Courtney, even if I do have part-timer’s disease.
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You always have such great intros! And today’s… well… let’s just say I regularly write a list, come home and am missing at least one item I wrote down… and not ‘coz they didn’t have it. Just sayin’
As for teenagers. Please. I can’t even.
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I write ’em just for you, Dale. Some things are universal. Lists are one of them. Teenagers are another.
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You da best…
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Difficult to get blood from them too. Rocks that is, not teenagers….
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True, Iain. I have squeezed the sap out of a teenager, though. It got their attention.
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Amazing how brilliant parents become later – after we realize we really don’t know it all. Both your stories are super fun. My husband and I sometimes make lists when going upstairs or down so we remember why we took the time to climb or descend the stairs.
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We wise-up over a period of about seven years. Some of us get gray hair too. Others lose theirs.
So far, I’m able to go to the bathroom without a list, but I don’t trust myself any further than that.
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iBeen there. Loved it, but don’t wish I could go back. And my kids don’t think I’m dumb any more. Just old-fashioned 🙂
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There’s something to be said for old-fashioned. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something to be said.
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Lots of times the old ways were better ways. Says Granny 🙂
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I can’t argue with that, Linda. We use lots of old home remedies. They are more effective and safer than the new-fangled stuff.
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english being my second language, i wonder if this is what’s referred to as hitting rock bottom. 🙂
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Not really, but we’ll cover that in a future post.
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This makes me think we should re-start the old fad of pet rocks. Why not? Teenagers can relate.
I’m sure Fred and Barney had a similar experience as teens.
Five out of five yabba-dabba-doo’s. 🙂
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I bet you’re still wearing your mood ring, Kent.
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Dear Rock, what I like least about a list, other than laboriously writing it out then forgetting to take it to the store, is when I can’t find exactly what I want and I consider 2 alternatives which, after much internal debate, I discover I have narrowed down to 4 or 5. And my phone does not have a MakeUpYourMindYouOldDodderer app.
Chuckled till I crumbled.
Barney Stone (my grandmother was Irish)
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Dear Barney,
I know what you mean about the alternatives. Too many choices. And that’s just in the toilet paper aisle. Life shouldn’t be so complicated.
Rock
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You always makes me smile. :o) My father always said that on the night before a 13th birthday someone sneaks in and sucks all the brains out of a kid. The night before their 25th is when they give them back. :o)
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Your father was a wise man. According to Connie, I only got part of mine back.
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Sad to say that I can relate to your intro. I never arrive home with everything on my list. Loved you’re story and can relate to it as well. I was once told that it is a miracle how smart you suddenly become when your kids hit there 30’s.
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Perhaps it’s reverse osmosis, or something like that. My kids both have children of their own. Their hell is coming.
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Ah grandparents revenge. I can hardly wait.
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Not only don’t I remember what I had for breakfast, I’m not sure I’ve ever had breakfast. If that’s the meal many people have before 12 noon, why get up so early just to eat? I think it’s a great thing that you take a list to the store, but if you shop when you’re hungry the list becomes superfluous while you’re buying every flavor of ice cream known to humanity and chocolate chip cookies in the convenient “Whole Neighborhood” size.
On the other hand, I have never found you to be dumber than a rock.Well, maybe some rocks but certainly not all. I once had a pet rock that was so dumb it voted for Trump. Then again maybe we can find rocks dumb and naive enough maybe they’ll date us!
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You want to wait until the effects of your medical marijuana wear off, Perry. It’s never a good idea to go grocery shopping when you have the munchies. I’ve picked up the “Whole Neighborhood” size a few times myself. I think it’s false advertising. They were all gone by the time I pulled into my driveway.
Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding my IQ. I have been known to outwit a rock or two in my time, but I don’t recommend getting into a poker game with them. Good luck with those female rocks. I hear they have firm bodies.
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Russell, Russell, Russell – this is so funny and I enjoyed it immensely! Mike is better at remembering what we need at the store with one quick look in the fridge than I am. You make us both laugh! Nan
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I always forget the thing I really, really, really, wanted to get. And get things I really, really, really didn’t need. Oh well, such is life. Glad you two got a chuckle from it.
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Hilarious, Russell. My son ran away from home when he was about 12. When found, (he was staying with a friend whose mother thought he had permission) he told me never to worry because he wouldn’t leave town. Another time he walked about a mile and called home “giving us another chance”. I asked him how he’d planned to make it in the world and he said he “had contacts”. Never a dull moment. I’ve never tried talking to a rock but it sounds kind of boring. Good writing as always, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne
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That was thoughtful of him to “give you another chance.” Jesse thought he had it all planned out too. He’s got three kids of his own now. My Dad used to say, “They make you pay for your raising.” His time is coming.
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Good one, on both sides. Love the grocery, one. I got home and discovered a whole bag of grocerys was missing, I asked hubby where they were. He swore he brought in everything. Two days later, I get in the car to be overpowered by “the smell”. The back seat -empty. So, I popped the trunk. A whole month’s worth of meat – spoiled. Needless to say, Hubby is going vegetarian for the next 31 days. I am NOT amused! 🙂
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I have ran off and left a bag in the store, but so far, no spoiled meat in vehicle.
Great story. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
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I made up for it this weekend… I tripped over the antenna coax and demolished hubby’s Ham radio station in the process. When he got home, I told him, and he laughed. Then went straight in to fix it. In the end, the only thing broken is one little Ethernet connection. Shewww… at least the radio (over $1k) is okay!
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You dodged the bullet there.
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“Everybody must get stoned.” Sorry. First thing I thought of.
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“But I would not feel so alone . . .” said Bob Dylan.
Great response, James.
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This is refined humor. Pleasant as good wine and in time will hit the spot. Cheers, Varad
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Thank you for the lovely comment. Much appreciated.
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A very wonderful story written with the right amount of humour.
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Thanks, Neel. I try not to go overboard. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Very witty as usual and well thought out.
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I did ponder on the rock story for a while. The List is pretty much biographical.
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Hang in there – teenagers eventually grow up. It akes about forty years, in my experience.
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Our eldest child will turn 36 in a couple of weeks. She’s almost there.
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I raised three and am still amazed at how I went from being “so smart” to a someone you give “that look” to practically over night. My youngest is 25 and I still get “the look” from him on occasion. My oldest two are in their mid 30’s…the call me for advice! I know I will never be “so smart” again but I will take what I can get.
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That’s the spirit. Hopefully, they’ll be around to change our Depends when the time comes. We’ll see who’s smart then.
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LOL
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