What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Where’s the Beef?
How many of you suffer from MSNS (Multiple Social Network Syndrome)? Is your day a whirlwind of activity hopping back and forth from Facebook to Pinterest to Instagram and Twitter? Are you so social that there’s no time left for work, play, or dare I say—romance?
I’ve not attended a writers conference yet without hearing at least one speaker tell the audience that we all needed to promote ourselves on multiple forms of social media. I suppose it was inevitable that sooner or later it would become a disease. Now, all we can do is wait for Pfizer, Merck, or Roche to develop a pill to combat this dreaded condition. In the meantime, I suggest you download an app and apply for disability.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, our CEO of 100 Word stories is Marlene Zuckerburg Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll
Metropolis – a local newspaper reporter for the Daily Planet was arrested yesterday for public indecency and shoplifting.
According to witnesses, the incident occurred near a pay phone inside the Amtrak Rail terminal.
“Sandra and I were waiting for the four-nineteen when this young man wearing a business suit sidled up to the pay phone and began to undress,” said Dale Rogerson.
“He stripped down to a blue spandex jumpsuit that left nothing to the imagination. Sandra looked him over and said, ‘Where’s the beef?’”
Police arrested Clark Kent a short time later near Miller’s Produce stand, where he allegedly stole a large zucchini.
54 Comments on “Where’s the Beef?”
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What's So Funny? 
I think this vergs on sacrilege. Great stuff, Russell
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It’s a fine line. Thanks for wading in, Neil.
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Russell — Only YOU could get away with this. And, recalling a float trip on the Mississippi, . . . . Oh, I better not tell where you got the idea for this story, ha.
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What happens on the Mississippi stays on the Mississippi, Mike. I was possibly under the influence at the time . . .
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Oh, I can hear the banjos ringing already …
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It was about time that overrated has-been was picked up for showing off his man of steel. These days Wonder Woman is all the rage. She’s better looking, sexier, and has bigger boobs than Superman. She’s even Jewish. No problem how to raise the children if she and I were to get together, and I don’t mean between Jewish and gentile, I mean between Amazon and dweeby. You can guess which is which.
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I took a lot of liberties with this story. First of all, the city wasn’t Metropolis, it was Havertown, PA. Second, it wasn’t a young man in a suit, but rather an old man in a trenchcoat. Finally, the guy’s name was closer to Perry White than Clark Kent. The only part that was non-fiction involved the zucchini.
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Oh for God’s sake!
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Like I told Neil, it’s a fine line, Ted.
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Best squash the media blab lest readers turn up with corny conclusions. The ladies are already reddish. Also, you may find the reporter in question favors law suits as well as jump suits. Some savvy lawyer could make hay with this. 😉
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Ha ha ha Ha!!
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I think Dale’s testimony will hold up in court, and I’m sure Sandra could pick him out in a line-up–as long as he was wearing spandex, that is.
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Russell… You kill me! I a.c.
absolutely guffawed and snorted! Thankfully I did not have a mouthful of wine… that would have been a most sad waste…
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Yes, that would have bee tragic. Thanks accepting the leading lady role in this tale, and I’m confident Sandra will win an Oscar for best supporting actress in a Flash Fiction blog.
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It would.
My pleasure and I’ve no doubt Sandra will!
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Hahaha! That was epic.. Well done, Russell. What was Superman thinking? Honestly… 😛
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Yes, the spandex should have been stuffed BEFORE he left home. How embarassing.
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Absolutely brilliant! Thanks for the laugh.
Click to read my FriFic
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I’ll drop by your Blogspot hotel soon, Keith. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
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Great Caesar’s Ghost, Jimmy!
That’s quite the byline. Fortunately, I’m not a big fan of zucchini.
The trouble with promoting yourself on social media is that everyone else is promoting themselves on social media. I’m not sure anyone is really reading the stuff put out there by those who are promoting themselves on social media. And if that’s not enough, there’s some cyber leach who wants you to pay them to promote you on their social media. (I’ve been hit up twice in the past two weeks…pathetic but true story).
Shalom from soggy Cass County where we’re braving flash flood warnings. Think I’ll go out to 163rd street for a nice swim.
MZW(T)F
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Dear Marlene Zuckerburg W(T)F,
Instead of a zucchini, visualize an aubergine (Sandra’s idea). They are PURPLE!
As far as the social media stuff goes, I barely have time to blog–let alone write. I’ve been hit up by promoters too. Don’t they know that people in my income bracket have to borrow money just to pay attention?
Send some of that rain our way. It so dry, I saw a tree chasing a dog yesterday.
Happy self-promoting,
Jimmy Olsen
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If I’m the Sandra in this little tale, I can tell you I would never, ever be taken in by a Zucchini, whether spandex-encased or not. If I’m not, I’m off to market – just to compare the Zucchini with the Aubergine – for research purposes only.
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The problem, Sandra, was that Ol’ Supe was supposed to put the zucchini down the FRONT of the spandex.
Talk about a wasted opportunity to impress …
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Congratulations, you’ve been nominated for Best Supporting Actress in a Flash Fiction blog. I had to look up aubergine. We typically call that vegetable eggplant here, although there is a Japanese version that is shaped more like an over-size banana.
Good luck with your research project.
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Hilarious story, Russell, I laughed until I stopped.
By the way, can you lend me about $150? I don’t want a continuance …
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The check is in the mail, Kent. At least that’s what Perry tells me every week. Who knows where the funds are actually going.
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Poor Superman, reduced to a laughing stock. Good fun.
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I’m sure he’ll blame his inadequacies on the side effects of Kryptonite exposure.
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LOL So Superman isn’t really that super after all! After his arrest Clark Kent was relegated to the social media section of the newspaper. 😀
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Yes, that was part of his Community Service assignment.
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Poor Superman! He just can’t seem to catch a break!! LOL! That was funny!😉
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The poor guy was playing for a tough crowd too. Glad you enjoyed it, Courtney.
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Zucchini? Shouldn’t he be stealing a sausage???
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The zucchini will stay firm longer and not leak in the spandex (not that I have any factual knowledge–just an assumption).
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😂
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So funny! I’m seeing images now I’d rather not see. LOL. And like Dale said, thankfully I wasn’t drinking either as I read.
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I always take it as a compliment when readers say they spewed coffee out their nose. But it would be a crime to spew good wine. Now, go wash those images from your mind. 🙂
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My poor laptop would complain whether covered with wine or coffee, so I make sure not to drink when I read your stories. 🙂
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superman and other superheroes wear underwear as they perform their solemn duties. what’s the beef? perhaps it’s their way of showing that they have nothing to hide? 🙂
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In other words, be proud of what the Good Lord gave you, right?
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Dear Sir, I am perspex, or I might mean perplexed.
Sandra is too classy a lady to be found in an Amtrak Rail terminal with a dubious Canuck.
And I am pretty sure she would not use that Where’s the beef line.
A lady of her breeding is more likely to say ‘That chap has forgotten to pack his lunch’.
Jolly fine tale, old bean.
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It’s quite possible, Sir, that the Canuck misquoted Lady Sandra by paraphrasing a more complex statement. Also, I ommited the “eh” to reduce the word count or it would have read, “Where’s the beef, eh?”
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This is great fun 🙂 Of course, anyone new to FF, who doesn’t know the people concerned, will have thought you’ve gone totally off your rocker!
Re social network addition, I’ve just ordered an advance copy of a book about internet and social media addiction, for when it comes out in paperback around 17th August. It’s titled “Irresistible: Why We Can’t Stop Checking, Scrolling, Clicking and Watching” and is by a psychologist called Adam Alter. It looks fascinating. You can read the start of it on “Look Inside” on Amazon, if interested.. I’ve gone a bit funny about spending too much time social networking, after dipping my toes into the demoralising world of self-publishing. I’m back to pursuing traditional publishing, where hopefully one gets a little more guidance about what works and doesn’t work, publicity and social networking-wise…
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Many of the FF Fictioneers have classed me as certifiable for years. So, it’s only fair the newbies get properly indoctrinated.
The book sound intriguing. I do believe the electronic devices are terribly addictive. I’ve seen people suffer from withdrawl symptons after only a few minutes without an internet signal. A person can spends thousands of hours on there without accomplishing anything. In many cases, it’s ho-hum entertainment on the best of days. I signed with a little indie publisher. They help and direct as much as they can, but the marketing & promotion is still up to the author. Humor is a tough sell to the big houses unless you already have a really huge following.
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Heehee! I saw everything coming except the zucchini. As for social media – how else would I have seen a photo of my latest granddaughter today, an hour after she was born in Canada?
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Can’t argue with that, Liz. There are times when social media is a blessing.
However, for some people it becomes an obssession and they make it their first priority, ahead of family and everything else. All things are good in moderation.
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Its a bird, its a plane, no its zucchini man. I knew that suit was rigged. Thanks for the expose Russell.
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He would’ve paid for the zucchini, but his wallet was in his other suit.
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OMG…that’s hilarious!
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I hope you noticed he was caught at Miller’s Produce, as in Dawn Miller. 🙂
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I did see that…wasn’t sure of the significance. Thanks for the shout out 🙂
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Gigglesnort. That was hilarious, thanks for the good laugh. I’ll never look at Zucchini the same way now.
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Neither will Dale or Sandra.
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Even Superman must be getting a bit long in the tooth to wear Spandex these days. No wonder he doesn’t fill it out. He must have difficulty finding phone booths also. I doubt there are as many since cell phones took over. Hilarious, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne
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