Enlightenment

Posted on August 16, 2017 by

73 Comments

Let’s talk about emotions for a moment. How do you deal with anger? Some people scream and curse, some eat chocolate, others get even. Revenge has never served me well, even when dished out at sub-zero temperatures.

I generally blow off steam by firing up a small gasoline engine, such as a weed-whacker or chainsaw and chopping something to pieces. The noise drowns out even the loudest curse words and the act of dicing weeds or wood into tiny pieces helps diffuse the anger. What works for you?

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, 100-word stories is a good way to vent your frustration. The Sigmund Freud of our online asylum is Dr. Nancy Drew Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

“Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” Mama always said.

Calvin wasn’t so sure.

Every Sunday morning, she’d drag him into the bathroom and scrub his elbows, neck, and ears till they glowed beet-red. He didn’t feel any closer to God than if he’d wallowed in a mud hole.

According to the preacher, God loved everybody—even the homeless man who hadn’t had a bath in two years.

Thumbing through Webster’s Junior Dictionary, Calvin made a startling discovery. His adolescent heartbeat quickened and his spirit soared. Mama was wrong. Cleanliness was next to cleavage.

Pass the soap.

Category: humorTags: , , ,

73 Comments on “Enlightenment”

  1. Dear Calvin,

    Naturally I had to swing by to discover my identity for the week. I’m glad I snooped.

    I do find writing as a great way to vent my anger. It’s a great way to kill off all who’ve offended without leaving telltale blood spatters with incriminating fingerprints and DNA. And of course, names can always be changed to protect yourself from harsh literary critics.

    Only you would find cleanliness next to cleavage. Viva Merriam-Webster!

    Shalom,

    Nancy Drew W(T)F

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • Dear Dr. Drew,

      I knew you would provide expert advice for our readers. Killing, maiming, and torturing those who have wronged us is only a few clicks away on the keyboard. Personally, I find it’s more fun to make the character suffer rather than snuff them out in a single sentence.

      Since I have a limited vocabulary, I only need a condensed version of the dictionary. While it may not contain a plethora of words, all parts of the female anatomy are well covered.

      Calvin

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  7. I’m tempted to check the dictionary to see if you’re right or if you’ve just picked cleavage as the funniest ‘C’ word you can think of. Whichever, very funny tale, Russell. Made me smile 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  9. Loved your tale — though I think some words in the dictionary could be whited-out for adolescent boys. 😉

    Two days ago, I checked my reveal codes after opening a file from Open Office into WordPress–yeah, never never— and found that all my Bold and Italics commands were now askew. I needed dark chocolate and two cups of strong coffee before I even thought about fixing. 😦

    I just read a short humorous memoir that gave me a chuckle and wonder if you’d enjoy it, too. An Egyptian family, big on entrepreneurial spirit if not scruples, develops a unique business selling watermelons to US soldiers in the Suez. You’ll find it at http://intrepidoptimist.com and the post is Dying of Thirst.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • I did read Dying of Thirst. What a clever little entrepreneur. Thanks for providing the link.

      I had to chuckle on your transferring a file experience. My wife bought a Samsung phone and had a terrible time uploading photos to our Mac. I’m sure the neighbors could hear her yelling and it’s a quarter or a mile to the nearest house. After seeking help from every known resource available she took the Samsung back and got an iPhone. It lowered her blood pressure by 30 points.

      Like

      Reply

  14. Funny man… we can always count on you!
    As for me… chopping veggies and frying them up, usually helps. That and doing the dishes. How they end up NOT getting smashed is beyond me!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  19. Haha! It’s good to know cleanliness is next to cleavage. I’ve spent a large part of my life trying to be “very close” to cleavage. When in such a place, I always felt it was like Heaven. Who knew I was so religious? 😉 Great one, Russell. I’m still smiling.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  22. Oh, he better make sure his strong armed mother doesn’t discover his new interest. Once again this was a very creative and funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  25. “Pass the soap” Hahaha 🙂 Loved both the stories. And judging by the comments, the cleavage seems to be a favourite place for men. We ladies should use that to our advantage 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Like

    Reply

  27. Aahhh so much truth here. Young boys, for whatever reason, hate to bathe as much as they love dinosaurs. Then as their interest in dinosaurs starts to wane, they want to take two showers a day. I have two sons, 15 years apart in age, exactly the same, as you describe.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  31. Cleanliness and cleavage go very well together. That was fun, Russel. I quickly blow my fuse and start yelling or nagging. And that quickly stops when the dog is around, because she gets worried and thinks I yell at her. Dogs, I find, are wonderful teachers for patience and restraint. I also stress/frustration/anger-eat.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Our fifteen-year-old dog, Buster, is the master of the “whipped puppy look.” I’ve been trying to copy him, but mine isn’t near as effective with Connie as his.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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