Russell Gayer, author speaker
Let’s talk about emotions for a moment. How do you deal with anger? Some people scream and curse, some eat chocolate, others get even. Revenge has never served me well, even when dished out at sub-zero temperatures.
I generally blow off steam by firing up a small gasoline engine, such as a weed-whacker or chainsaw and chopping something to pieces. The noise drowns out even the loudest curse words and the act of dicing weeds or wood into tiny pieces helps diffuse the anger. What works for you?
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, 100-word stories is a good way to vent your frustration. The Sigmund Freud of our online asylum is Dr. Nancy Drew Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” Mama always said.
Calvin wasn’t so sure.
Every Sunday morning, she’d drag him into the bathroom and scrub his elbows, neck, and ears till they glowed beet-red. He didn’t feel any closer to God than if he’d wallowed in a mud hole.
According to the preacher, God loved everybody—even the homeless man who hadn’t had a bath in two years.
Thumbing through Webster’s Junior Dictionary, Calvin made a startling discovery. His adolescent heartbeat quickened and his spirit soared. Mama was wrong. Cleanliness was next to cleavage.
Pass the soap.
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
Finding ways to make words sparkle
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
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AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
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And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
Dear Calvin,
Naturally I had to swing by to discover my identity for the week. I’m glad I snooped.
I do find writing as a great way to vent my anger. It’s a great way to kill off all who’ve offended without leaving telltale blood spatters with incriminating fingerprints and DNA. And of course, names can always be changed to protect yourself from harsh literary critics.
Only you would find cleanliness next to cleavage. Viva Merriam-Webster!
Shalom,
Nancy Drew W(T)F
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Dear Dr. Drew,
I knew you would provide expert advice for our readers. Killing, maiming, and torturing those who have wronged us is only a few clicks away on the keyboard. Personally, I find it’s more fun to make the character suffer rather than snuff them out in a single sentence.
Since I have a limited vocabulary, I only need a condensed version of the dictionary. While it may not contain a plethora of words, all parts of the female anatomy are well covered.
Calvin
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That made me laugh
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Great. Mission accomplished.
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The ending did it. Wonderfully done!
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Thank you, Miles. Great minds think alike.
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Cleavage can also help with deal with anger, so I’ve heard.
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Busy hands are happy hands.
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ha ha!
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This was funny 😀
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I glad you think so. That was my intention.
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Ha, ha. That’s perfect, Russell. He’s growing up. 😀 — Suzanne
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Yep, those teenage hormones are kicking in.
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I’m tempted to check the dictionary to see if you’re right or if you’ve just picked cleavage as the funniest ‘C’ word you can think of. Whichever, very funny tale, Russell. Made me smile 🙂
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Just check my response to Dr. Nancy Drew’s comment.
We wouldn’t want anything unclean next to cleavage.
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Quite right too. May our cleavages remain unsullied
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Ice cream and chocolate work for me! Two great stories!
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Do you ever get mad enough to eat an entire liter at one sitting?
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Yes, often! 🙂
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Loved your tale — though I think some words in the dictionary could be whited-out for adolescent boys. 😉
Two days ago, I checked my reveal codes after opening a file from Open Office into WordPress–yeah, never never— and found that all my Bold and Italics commands were now askew. I needed dark chocolate and two cups of strong coffee before I even thought about fixing. 😦
I just read a short humorous memoir that gave me a chuckle and wonder if you’d enjoy it, too. An Egyptian family, big on entrepreneurial spirit if not scruples, develops a unique business selling watermelons to US soldiers in the Suez. You’ll find it at http://intrepidoptimist.com and the post is Dying of Thirst.
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I did read Dying of Thirst. What a clever little entrepreneur. Thanks for providing the link.
I had to chuckle on your transferring a file experience. My wife bought a Samsung phone and had a terrible time uploading photos to our Mac. I’m sure the neighbors could hear her yelling and it’s a quarter or a mile to the nearest house. After seeking help from every known resource available she took the Samsung back and got an iPhone. It lowered her blood pressure by 30 points.
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Sometimes abridged dictionaries can come in VERY handy – especially for boys like Calvin. Thanks for the laugh.
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Who knows, he may grow up to be a doctor. Knowledge of the anatomy comes in handy.
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Indeed. 😉
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Hardy har! Thanks for the chuckle once again.
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Thank you for reading it.
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Hahahha! This was fantastic. Thanks for the laugh, Russell.
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You’re welcome. They’re on sale today. Two for the price of one.
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Love the dictionary reference. Heheh!
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Funny man… we can always count on you!
As for me… chopping veggies and frying them up, usually helps. That and doing the dishes. How they end up NOT getting smashed is beyond me!
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I recommend paper plates, Dale. You can crush them with your hands and not get injured.
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Now there’s a plan, Russell!
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So funny! It’s interesting that you actually knew about that dictionary reference! Is your story based on personal experience?
Click to read my FriFic
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More like an old joke I heard somewhere–although, I am rather fond of cleavage.
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I’m taking a shower whether I need it or not. 😀
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That’s the spirit!
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“He didn’t feel any closer to God than if he’d wallowed in a mud hole.” Loved this line! So typical of how a young one would think! Very funny.
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Thanks for calling that line out. It was one of my favorites as well. I’m glad the piece resonated with you.
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Funny stuff, Russell. I may never think of cleanliness the same!
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Just doing my part to encourage good hygiene among today’s youth.
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Haha! It’s good to know cleanliness is next to cleavage. I’ve spent a large part of my life trying to be “very close” to cleavage. When in such a place, I always felt it was like Heaven. Who knew I was so religious? 😉 Great one, Russell. I’m still smiling.
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I have to agree, it IS a heavenly experience. God bless, and keep the faith.
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Ha ha loved it!
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Thank you. I appreciate you stopping by and leaving a comment.
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A “laugh-out-loud-er” here. You delivered well, Master Po(o).
Gonna have some fun this weekend, my friend!
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I take it you’ll be coming to Branson on Saturday? It will be great to see you, my friend.
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Yes! Same here!
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Oh, he better make sure his strong armed mother doesn’t discover his new interest. Once again this was a very creative and funny.
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I’m sure he’ll be discreet, although she may be curious about his new-found desire for cleanliness.
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A original and funny take on the prompt. Well done.
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Thank you, David. BTW – I like your hat.
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Laughed OUT LOUD. Hilarious 😂!! I’m a crier when I get really angry. Cursing is just for slightly irritating situations.
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Connie is a crier too. It seems to give her an advantage in arguments as I can’t stand to see a grown woman cry.
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“Pass the soap” Hahaha 🙂 Loved both the stories. And judging by the comments, the cleavage seems to be a favourite place for men. We ladies should use that to our advantage 🙂 🙂 🙂
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I think there’s a joke about a lady who strapped a radio across her chest because she wanted to be heard as well as seen. Glad you enjoyed it.
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😂
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Cute. Calvin is a smart kid 🙂
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Now, if he’ll just learn to apply himself.
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Aahhh so much truth here. Young boys, for whatever reason, hate to bathe as much as they love dinosaurs. Then as their interest in dinosaurs starts to wane, they want to take two showers a day. I have two sons, 15 years apart in age, exactly the same, as you describe.
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Part of the whole coming of age cycle. Cleanliness becomes important when you’re trying to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex.
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Lol, and the mission is accomplished
Click Here to see what Mrs. Dash Says
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Talk about an “ah-ha” moment . . . .
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This is hilarious… cleanliness is almost a sin I think, reminds me of Rasputin a bit… I wonder what Iphone spell check might say.
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I think you can be too clean. Calvin probably worked up a sweat just thinking about cleavage.
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it’s a start. i wonder what he’d discover next. 🙂
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More wonders of nature I hope.
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Cleanliness and cleavage go very well together. That was fun, Russel. I quickly blow my fuse and start yelling or nagging. And that quickly stops when the dog is around, because she gets worried and thinks I yell at her. Dogs, I find, are wonderful teachers for patience and restraint. I also stress/frustration/anger-eat.
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Our fifteen-year-old dog, Buster, is the master of the “whipped puppy look.” I’ve been trying to copy him, but mine isn’t near as effective with Connie as his.
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You are SO funny!!!
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And you are TOO kind. 🙂
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😁
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You’re too much. I can always count on you to bring a smile to my face. As for anger, my stories reflect just how to get even. My husband said I knew 365 ways to kill him! Fiction is a great way to get away with murder! LOL. @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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Nice!!!!!!
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