Draining the Swamp

Posted on October 25, 2017 by

51 Comments

“He’s more independent than a hog on ice.” This was one of my mother’s favorite sayings. In my sixty-plus years, I have yet to see a hog on ice so I don’t have a good visual image of what she was trying to communicate. What do you make of the metaphor?

Is the swine in question practicing a figure skating event for the upcoming 2018 Winter Olympics and unwilling to take instruction from his coach? Or, does he possess financial competency while sitting on a pile of diamonds? Or, is it a mixed drink made from bacon-flavored Liquor? I’d like your thoughts on this.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, our Jewish expert on 100-word pork stories is Petunia Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to submit your tale to the weekly collection, zip over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Roger Bultot

“We’ve been pumping for three days,” shouted Captain Ed Hocken above the roar of the diesel engine. “So far, all we’ve found is two revolvers, a shotgun, and a stolen car. What are you expecting to find, Lowry?”

“Evidence. You’ll know it when you don’t see it,” said the detective.

“Don’t tell me you’re still looking for that damn invisible box.”

Lowry glared at the gray Missouri bog. “It’s in there somewhere. Remember during questioning, when she kept tugging at her little feet like they were stuck in quicksand?”

“Yeah, she had a smirk too. You can’t trust mimes.”

 

 

Category: humorTags: , , , , , ,

51 Comments on “Draining the Swamp”

  2. Dear Detective Lowry..

    As the saying goes, “A mime is a terrible thing to waste. But then, I don’t mime if you don’t mime…and your little dog, too.

    As for pigs. I’ve never seen one fly and once engaged in a lengthy conversation re the expression, “Sweating like a pig.” Imagine my surprise and dismay when I learned that pigs don’t sweat. Now I’m singing “Way down upon the Swiney River..” What was the question?

    Shalom,

    Petunia W(T)F

    Liked by 3 people

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    • Dear Petunia W(T)F,

      I thought I heard a cat clawing a blackboard, but I guess it was just your Edith Bunker rendition of Swiney River. It was upsetting enough that even the big, bad wolf lost his appetite for pork.

      You were partially right about mimes. They are a terrible thing. Such a waste. Tsk, tsk.

      You may be on the lam, but you ain’t no sheep.
      Detective Lowry

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  5. Three days is nothing when you’re looking for invisible evidence. And I’m not sure they’re bright enough to recognise it when they don’t find it. If you see what I mean. You don’t? Tough or what?

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    • This has got to be one of the toughest cases ever. I really think Lowry would be wise to call in Inspector Clouseau. I’m sure between the two of them they’d stumble upon it.

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  6. “He’s more independent than a hog on ice.”

    Having grown up on a small farm, I was lucky(?) to have seen a “hog on ice”… and it was quite the sight to see, I must add! Quite hilarious by all counts!!!

    We had a few pigs and there was one (Rusty) who was quite agile and always managed to jump out of the pen. She was quite friendly; if someone was around she’d follow them around like a dog, always looking to get her ears scratched.

    Anyway, she didn’t like to be penned up, and was out of the pen more than she was in it. One cold Minnesota winter day when going out to do the afternoon chores, as usual, Rusty was not in the pen with her cohorts. I heard her squealing in the distance, so I went looking for her. She had managed to make her way out to the middle of the small frozen-over pond us that us kids cleared off for ice-skating. She was stranded there… not being able to get enough traction to remove herself from the predicament she got herself into. If she managed to get to her feet, it was short-lived and she was soon right back down on the ice again. (Much like me the first time I tried to ice skate!!! LOL) Anyway, I had to push her to the edge of the cleared “ice rink” where there was enough snow to keep her standing. That task was probably a sight to see, too, as she wasn’t very helpful along the way!

    So my take on the phrase is it refers to being someone being independent, but helpless… and fights any attempt of help. That’s MY opinionated opinion, anyway! 🙂

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    • Wow, what a story. Yes, a video would have been nice and went viral in a nanosecond.
      Thanks for wading in and sharing your true-life, Jim. It was a hoot.

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  7. Hahaha Despite the absurdity of it, there’s still part of me that’s asking, “Did they find the box? What was in it?” 🤣

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  8. Dear Porky
    A hog on ice, as every Girl Guide knows, is a Harley Davidson fuelled with methamphetamine, or speed.
    And what is the point of a big bike and a leather jacket if you can’t go scarily fast, hmm?
    I am more concerned about the invisible box. Is there an invisible cat inside it?
    Can you tell if the lid is closed?
    Is this an open and shut case?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Thanks for wading in on the Hog issue, CE. A Harley on meth sounds really scary.

      As for the box, this case has been open for almost two years. Lowry knows the mime who stole the invisible box (she lives in Belton, MO), but has been unable to gather enough hard evidence to convict her. We do believe the lid of the box is closed, although that’s difficult to verify when dealing with invisible objects. So far, no animals have been harmed–mentally scarred maybe–but not harmed, by this crime.

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  9. I’m leaning towards the mixed drink option; bacon makes everything better.
    Who knew mimes were so devious? I hope there is next chapter to this story in which they find the invisible box! 😀

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  12. Lowry sounds as independent as the hog on ice. We have that saying in Ohio also. A lot of pigs must have been stuck that way. My parents had a dog once that got running on ice, tried to stop, and slid off into the water along the shore where it had melted. My dad was out there ice fishing and just reached in and pulled him out. It would have no doubt been more difficult with a pig. Good writing, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne

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    • What a funny story, Suzzanne. Yes, with a dog there’s usually a collar or at least a fistful of hair to grab. All you have with a pig is the ears and they’re slippery.

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    • The muck may prove an aid in recovering the box–IF, this is where she ditched it. This is a devious mime we’re dealing with.

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  17. I think they should just call it quits. No, never mind. I didn’t say that. I’ll have to ask my friend’s daughter if she ever brought her pig out onto the ice now…

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  20. LOL. When will they know if the find the invisible box? Lowry and his expenses claims must be loved by his superiors. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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