Everybody Loves a Parade (well, almost everybody)

Posted on January 3, 2018 by

60 Comments

Has this ever happened to you? You’re cruising down the aisle of a supermarket, you know exactly what you want and where it is, but when you get there, someone has parked their cart parked between you and said item while tediously browsing the shelf across the aisle.

In my case, it was a grandmother with two young tykes. A debate was raging amongst the tykes regarding which toothpaste Grandma should buy. The older of the two insisted on bubble gum flavor, while the younger one demanded cotton candy. I threw a box of Preparation H in Grandma’s cart while she wasn’t looking, grabbed a tube of Crest, and went along my merry way. I hope she got the hint.

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In its wake, the parade left a path of destruction that included a porta-potty containing “Blind Rutabaga” Keller and Stevie.*

“There was a horrible roaring,” said Blind Rutabaga. “I had torn off some tissue and was doing the paperwork, when BAM! Something slammed into the building. I thought a tornado had hit. Then KABOOM! The toilet exploded and threw me and Stevie out in the street. My whole backside was wet and a band was playing ‘When the Saints Go Marchin’ In.’

“I thought we’d died and went to heaven, except for having my pants around my ankles, of course.”

*Stevie is Blind Rutabaga’s seeing-eye dog

the above is an excerpt from “One Idiot Short of a Village.”

Category: humorTags: , , , ,

60 Comments on “Everybody Loves a Parade (well, almost everybody)”

  1. Dear Stevie,

    It seems you were falling down on the job. 😉 Poor Blind Rutabega. I’m calling Jemma the Wonder Lead Dog to report you. I’m sure Ronda will concur.

    I laughed out loud at Grandma’s surprise when she goes to brush her teeth after that shopping excursion. You are totally warped…and that’s one of your better qualities.

    Shalom,

    Count (shouldn’t that be Countess) Purpula W(T)F

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    • Dear Countess Purpula W(T)F,

      We can’t blame the mishap on Stevie. It was a runaway tractor in the parade that hit the porta-potty.

      I hope the Preparation H causes Granny’s gums to shrink and makes her false teeth rattle. Maybe next time she’ll park the cart on her side of the aisle.

      Stevie

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  2. I think I might have nightmares now of exploding porta potties. As if I needed another reason to never use those things. Haha Great excerpt.
    I hope you have a wonderful new year, Russell!

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    • Aw, come on, Iain. Pants down in the middle of the street, who wouldn’t want that. At least Blind Rutababa couldn’t see the people pointing at him.

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  5. I got a sense of “Déjà vue” reading this one… did you pull a fast one on most of us?
    As for the Preparation H… oooohhh… you are sooooo mean!

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    • It could be a rerun, or at least very close. I did work this excerpt up from scratch, so if it is a repeat, it’s not intentional. At my age, I’m luck to remember what I had for breakfast.

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    • I’m glad you got the picture. Poor Blind Rutabaga and Stevie have bad experiences in this book, but that’s what makes life funny.

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  10. Now someone may check to see what Preparation H tastes like. Readers are curious people. I laughed out loud at the fate of poor blind Rutabaga. That really added an extra zip to the parade. Thanks for the explanation of what happened. 😀 — Suzanne

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  16. Haha! Whenever I hear “When the saints go marchin’ in” I always think I’m in heaven. It’s a great song. If I make it to Heaven, and that’s a big ‘if’ I hope they’re playing that song. When I die I’ll probably hear “Hell’s Bells” instead. 😉

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    • Yes, can you imagine what it would be like if you were inside and it fell over and landed on the door side? You could be trapped in there for hours, or possibly days. In that scenario, perhaps being blind would be a blessing.

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    • She was YUGE, and those two brats were obviously a couple of liberal losers. A REAL American child would have demanded gunsmoke flavor toothpaste in a .38 caliber pistol tube. No tax refund for her this year.

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  21. Until I saw the the footnote on who Stevie was, I was left thinking BR and Stevie had exposed a lot more of themselves than just their backsides! A hilarious take on the prompt. BR’s thoughts of heaven had me in stitches of laughter. 🙂

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  22. Hilarious, as always. But–in my own experience, when people block they aisles like that they are generally oblivious to most other people and current events. I’m guessing Granny may be just fine using the ointment on her gums and her toothpaste. . . . .elsewhere!

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  23. Such wonderful visuals, unfortunately 🙂 Poor Rutabaga and Stevie, such an unpleasant experience, if hilarious for the rest of us.

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  25. Ewwww! I didn’t think it was possible to make porta potties seem more gross and disgusting, but you’ve managed the impossible. And stop being mean to random grannies in the market, Mr. Grouchy!

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  27. Parades are dangerous … don’t ever go near them! Perhaps some of us will go to heaven with our pants around our knees. Funny take!

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