Feel the Burn

Posted on January 31, 2018 by

80 Comments

I fear that our fearless leader is working too hard. Yesterday, I had to scold her, and remind her that loafing is important too. When she fails to do her share of the loafing, then I have to pick up the slack. I’m sure you can imagine how stressful is it to double-up on slacking and frittering away the hours just because someone else won’t do their part.

To prevent this from becoming a trend, I’m recommending that those of you who are feeling energetic, creative, and desire to feel a sense of accomplishment, visit my favorite website, Despair.com. There you will find dozens of Demotivational posters to put a damper on that enthusiam and help you pull your head out of the clouds. (You can thank me later.)

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the overworked artist who rides herd on our 100-word stories is Georgia O’Keeffe Burns Wisoff-Fields (boy, that’s a mouthful). If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

I plodded down the hall with the speed and enthusiasm of a death-row inmate approaching the gallows. On the way, I contemplated my last words before the executioner’s paddle would bruise my tender buttocks.

The door was open and the principal, Mr. Kerr, sat behind his desk filling out some type of paperwork. It could’ve been a report on the number of spankings in the last thirty days, or a requisition for new paddles.

Rumor had it that Hillerich & Bradsby, the famous baseball bat manufacturer, had expanded their “educator series” by releasing a new product known as the Louisville Swatter.

*an excerpt from “The Backside of Knowledge,” which can be read in its entirety by ordering One Idiot Short of a Village.

Category: humorTags: , , , , , , , ,

80 Comments on “Feel the Burn”

  2. Looking back, I don’t believe I ever heard of any of my friends getting their backsides paddled. The weapon of choice in those days was a leather strap on the palm of the hand. Of course, things are different these days – you could get arrested for far less. And I take my hat off to your self-less self for picking up the slack that Rochelle leaves in her wake as she busies along her way.

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    • Ouch! That sounds worse than on you behind. Of course, the humiliation part and class teasing only doubled the pain.

      I appreciate your kind words regarding my excessive non-work load. It’s all I can do to keep up with my own slacking, and now I have to pick up hers too. What’s this world coming to?

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  4. Dear Dudley Do-Wrong,

    When my kids were little I had a paddle I referred to as the ‘board of education to be applied to the seat of learning.’ I would probably have them taken from me for such abuse these days. But as in “Ransom of Red Chief” I suspect they would’ve been returned post haste. Can’t say I was ever paddled in school. However I did spend sometime in the coat closet in first grade. It was all Fred’s fault. And that’s all I have to say on the matter. I’m sorry, what was the question? I wasn’t paying attention. (yeah…that was me in school. The daydreamer.)

    Shalom,

    Georgia O’Keeffe (I wish) Burns (closer to the truth) W(T)F

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    • Dear Georgia O’Keeffe Burns W(T)F,

      We used a ping pong paddle on ours. Once I made them spank each other over fighting. That was fun. 🙂

      Perhaps you can talk Jan into loafing for you. That would sure help me out.

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  5. Two great stories!
    despair.com has the answers! No wonder I’m not succeeding; I should be striving for mediocrity! On second thought, maybe I have succeeded 🙂
    Thank goodness, corporal punishment in schools has been abolished!

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    • Glad you like Despair.com I find it extremely helpful when I start have aspirations.

      I don’t think spankings are such a bad thing. I’d hate to be a teacher with no effective means of discipline.

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  6. Thanks for the website – a perfect antidote to my irritatingly positive Facebook feed. I could take a Louisville Swatter to a few people on my Facebook too.

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  7. Though like everything else taken to extremes… sometimes I wish they brought back the paddle… there are a lot of kids sadly in need of a reminder…
    I know, I know, I am a bad mother for even going there!

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    • No, you’re not. I believe in spankings too.

      Could you perhaps loaf a little for Whats-her-name? Just thinking about that 4 letter word (w*rk) wears me out.

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      • Lemme tell you… she and I basically chatted from before breakfast till past lunch. Bum was numb. So now she’s off and I’ve moved to the couch with the TV. Definitely doing more than my share, I should say?

        Oh. And glad to see I’m not alone 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • In elementary school I was once accused of bothering another kid on the playground. I don’t remember what I did (although at the time, I didn’t believe I deserved to be punished) but I do remember the paddle. I didn’t actually get the swats. The threat was enough.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Never fear. I will never shirk or procrastinate my share and your share of loafing, leaving you plenty of time to get high powered things done. Or, in the alternative, to read the great new humor book “Perry Block – Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute,” available on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Nouveau-Formerly-Cute-Perry-Block/dp/0999412728/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1516035621&sr=8-3&keywords=Perry+block and Barnes & Noble https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/nouveau-old-formerly-cute-perry-block/1127818444?ean=9780999412725. What a shameless plug! I must be “One Idiot Short a Village!” https://www.amazon.com/One-Idiot-Short-Village-Characters-ebook/dp/B079848Q3K/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517408688&sr=8-1&keywords=russell+gayer

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    • Thanks for offering to help, Perry. When it comes to shirking, procrastinating, loafing, and just plain laziness you’re right up there with the best of the best.

      Also, thanks for shamelessly plugging both out books.

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  13. Anticipation is part of the pain too, and your character had that in bucketfuls. Don’t like the sound of that swatter … By the time I was at school they used the slipper to punish errant pupils – now they use isolation and expulsions. How life changes. Carry on loafing, Russell

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    • You’re right, Lynn. Knowing what’s coming–and having to wait for it–heightens the experience.
      In today’s world, it seems they are more intent on punishing the parents than the kids. Our son used to get kicked off the school bus for minor infractions, forcing us to drive him to school. In my day, they would have just whacked me a few times with a board and left Mom & Dad out of it.

      Thanks for your encouragement & support on the loafing. I’ll do my best, but loafing for two isn’t easy.

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      • Oh, yes, parents get blamed for everything these days and though sometimes they are at fault, often kids are just … kids. Happy loafing and if I need some loafing done on my behalf, I hope I can rely on you

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  17. The only spankings I ever got were from my dad, and that was effective. Believe me. Thankful school spankings were not a part of my school life. I can’t even imagine how humiliating that would have been. Speaking as a retired teacher, I can tell you that I wish more parents today would deal more effectively with sass, outright disrespect and disobedience. Teachers are there to teach, not to discipline. I’m old enough to remember when the kid who was constantly in trouble was considered a prize idiot by the rest of the class 🙂

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  19. I remember a time when boys were sent to the principals office for a paddling.
    I’m glad those days are over.
    I always said if anyone is gonna beat my kids, it’s gonna be me!

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    • You look sweet and innocent in your photo, but that can sometimes be misleading. 🙂
      I’m sure you were mischeivious at times, just didn’t get caught.

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  22. I’m happy to inform you that you can subtract a whole hour from your loading allotment today because I loafed for an hour this afternoon reading a novel. I loafed a couple of hours yesterday doing the same thing — just in case you need credit for even more.

    Your sad “sentimental journey” tale has generated a lot of discussion, but no one has yet mentioned “boxing ears.” Maybe a Canadian and British thing? Something teachers did until the 40s but not by the time I got to school. (My dad was still a firm believer, though.) My Grandma was practiced in the art, too, Mom says. Trouble was, it could lead to life-long hearing damage.

    One day I heard someone say of a child, “He has oppositional defiance disorder.” I had to smile. I know how my Dad would have treated those symptoms. Folks of yesteryear believed in curing various disorders before they could settle in and become what’s termed today, “free expression of the child’s individual personality.” 😉

    I’m with you: I feel sorry for teachers who have so few discipline options. Can’t fail the student: too damaging to his psyche. Consequently a lot of the lessons are over his head and the kid’s bored listening to what he can’t understand.

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  23. Bless you, Christine. Dale has also volunteered to take a few hours. I really appreciate you two stepping up to the plate and helping as loafing can be very tiresome and emotionally draining.

    I’m familar with the boxing of the ears practice. I never had mine boxed, per se, but my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Housted, grabbed me by both ears and shook my entire body. My ears were quite red and puffy for hours. My crime? I had pinned a pretty classmate to a tree and stolen a kiss. In today’s world that would be classified as sexual assault. However, thanks to the ear shaking (which would also be assault), I was forever cured of stealing kisses from non-consenting females.

    In those days, one or two children in each class failed to be promoted to the next grade. I remember worrying about it and not wanting to be “that guy.” Most of the kids who failed went on to excel in future years. The whole idea of “No Child Left Behind” is ridiculous. It does nothing to prepare the child for real world where the inability to perform to prescribed standards will land you in the unemployment line.

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  24. I can imagine loafing is emotionally draining. a person’s mind, seeking some form of entertainment, starts to dredge up all those memories you wish would stay buried. Next thing, you remember getting shaken by your ears in Grade Two. (As I was saying, parents and teachers back then cured us of our disorders.)

    NO, in many ways children aren’t at all prepared to face the real world. I observed this one day as I watched a teen girl peeling an apple — with a straight edge pastry knife,something like a wide putty knife. Poor girl had no clue, so she first squared it with four chops…

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  25. We’ve gone off the deep end trying to protect them from everything that builds character–disappointment, failure, hurt feelings, etc. Despite their good intentions, society has created a generation that is physically and emotionally unprepared to deal with the realities of life.

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  27. When I grew up it was already forbidden to spank children in school (I got spanked a few times at home… but now that’s illegal too)… I do not think the Louisville swatter would make sense here. We are a peaceful country.

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  29. Corporal punishment was done away with when I was in school. And I’m glad it was. I don’t think I’d have survived the humiliation. I saw a video of a teen assaulting an elderly teacher and forget corporal punishment, that kid needs to be charged with assault and face the law. Because thats life.

    I agree with you all that parents are punished more than the kids these days. We run from fulltime jobs to home cooks and cleaners and seeing that all homework is done or else we get questioned on it. And thats not all parents also need to provide entertainment and think of ways to end kids boredom. This makes for stupid adults when they grow up. Kids need to learn to think of their own games to play. Helps build their creativity and good old plain thinking skills.
    And they need to go through disappointments too.

    W*rk is a four letter word indeed! Unfortunately I’m one of those workaholics who always has goals and aspirations. I’m so glad you referred me to Despair.com to help me get out of this rut!

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    • The truth is not many kids got spanked. The threat of paddlings was a pretty good deterrent to bad behavior.

      When I was a kid, I had to think of ways to entertain myself. If you said you were bored, parents would find a chore for you to do. I worry that all the electronic games and “smart” devices will have an adverse effect on children’s imagination and creativity. (I hope I’m wrong on that one)

      I hope you find some relief at Despair.com. It’s helped a lot of people.

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  30. We had caning in our school but usually the girls were spared. The headmaster was a mean guy and had a range of punishments in his kitty – kneeling for hours, a special pinch on the ear, putting pencils between the fingers and squeezing them together, etc etc. Thank God the school shut down soon afterwards.

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    • Sounds like he enjoyed torturing people. I wonder if he would have enjoyed having those same punishments doled out on him? I had to stand with my nose stuck in a circle drawn on the chalkboard for about 15 minutes. I could hear the rest of the class snickering behind me. It was effective. I never got in trouble in that class again.

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  32. When I was teaching (many years ago now) I learned from the veteran teacher during my Student Teaching days to use a ping-pong paddle. It made an impressive sound but wasn’t heavy enough to feel much through clothing. I only remember using one a couple of times in nine years. Other offenses were sent to the principal. I think it was a good idea to do away with corporal punishment in schools. You still hear some horror stories. The last I heard teachers weren’t even allowed to touch students unless it was an emergency like an allergy attack where help had to be administered. That way both teacher and student are safe. —- Suzanne

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  34. How responsible of the principal to make sure enough paddles were available.The more worn out a paddle gets, the greater the risk of getting splinters in the butt! 😀
    All that loafing must be exhausting.

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  35. Ouch! That bought back some memories. I am old enough to be from the generation that had it’s share of corporal punishment. Our deputy headmaster was well known for his ‘bacon slices’ and some students were known for attending school wearing couple of swimming trunks for extra protection.

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  36. As always, you broght a smile to my face. I remember those wooden paddles. Our gm coaches, as well as, just about every teacher in the school had one tucked way in their desk drawer. Just the threat was enough – most days. Too bad they’ve disappeared from the schools. I think we could use a restocking! @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles

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