What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Snow Job
Recently, I’ve started humming a lot. Connie says I didn’t do that before my hearing loss accident. She did some research on the intranet and evidently there’s a name for my condition; Musical Ear Syndrome.
Some people hear Symphonies, Rock & Roll, Country, or Gospel. So far, there are no reports of people hearing Rap (that would be a living hell). While my condition may be a little annoying to others, they can always change the channel just by giving my ear a twist.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the little keyboard tap dancer who hosts our 100-word ditties is Curly Templestein Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
One advantage of bellybutton lint farming is the entire crop can be grown and harvested without the aid of expensive farm implements. You don’t have to worry about drought, floods, or swarms of locusts. Occasionally, a dog tick might take up residence in your money-maker, but it’s nothing rubbing alcohol and tweezers can’t take care of.
According to the Old Farmer’s Almanac, the seasonal peak in North America occurs on Valentine’s Day. The additional belly-to-belly contact brought on by holiday celebrations has proven to stimulate lint production—providing participants keep their shirts on before, during, and after vigorous physical contact.
*the above is an excerpt from “The Ins & Outs of Bellybutton Lint Farming.” The complete story in available in my new book, One Idiot Short of a Village available on Amazon in paperback or Kindle.
69 Comments on “Snow Job”
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What's So Funny? 
Dear Simon Soundman,
Can you pick up the Beatles channel?
Oh my goodness.
Like so many of us, I’m always on the lookout for lint harvesting tips. I so appreciate these informative excerpts from the mad mad mad mad world of your mind. Guess I’ll go head for the Good Ship Polly Lop. Have a most excellent day.
Shalom,
Curly Templestein W(T)F
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Dear Curly Templestein W(T)F
I can get the Beatles station. Have you noticed how frequently they play “Paperback Writer?”
I hope you schedule your appointment for Lint-O-Suction early. They’re always booked up right after the holiday.
Happy Harvesting,
Simon Soundman
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Of all the things I thought I’d be reading about today, belly-button lint farming was not one of them. But it made me chuckle! 😛
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Welcome to Russell’s world, Spaceman. Sorry we didn’t warn you.;)
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It’s okay, I’ll find away to get through my trauma! 😛
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Here at “What’s So Funny?” we like to provide information as well as entertainment. Bellybutton lint is a great way to supplement retirement income. Just ask Ms. Templestein.
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Keep humming & be happy!
Though musical talent may not be admired or appreciated by all 🙂
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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Connie seems to find my humming annoying. And I thought everybody like Van Morrison?
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Wise and hilarious words by Russell. He has a new book out, “One Idiot Short of a Village” available on Amazon.
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Thanks for the plug, Suzanne. The check’s in the mail. 🙂
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I’ll be watching for it. All the best with the book. I have my copy. 😀 — Suzanne
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‘Participants keep their shirts on’?
Man, you are no fun at all.
PS Do particishirts need to keep their pants on?
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Anything below the waist is optional. Randy Newman said “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” but I don’t think he meant that remark (which I’m now humming) for you in particular.
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So the belly button lint peak comes welll before the harvest tme for the spaghettti crop? That’s lucky
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Yes, the Lint Harvest falls right after the Toe Jam season (used in lip gloss).
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‘Additional belly-to-belly contact’ – hee hee hee!!
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Yes, stimulation really fires up lint production. 🙂
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I am equal parts amused and disturbed by your depiction of North American romantic exchanges as a key part of sowing lint oats, as it were. Hopefully your special loved one appreciates a good laugh as much as nice warm flannel in winter cohabitation.
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Nah, she’s still trying to deal with the humming.
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Humming…?bird? Was there a humming incident I missed in the above? Or are you just leading me astray?
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Well, okey dokey then.
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You’re welcome.
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Now I’ve heard everything! 🙂
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Not yet, Morgaine. But if you keep reading this blog, eventually you will have heard everything.
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True! I say that after every one of your posts! 😀
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Did I really just read that? Interesting!
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Get out there and make some lint, Keith. You look like a 2lb a week kind of guy.
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Are you suggesting some people take their shirts off before ‘vigorous physical contact’? Sorry about your ears though – my husband has a tin in his ears. I ask him what’s making him deaf and he says tin it is. (I’ll get me coat). 😦
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No, you must keep the shirts on. Loose fitting varieties generate the most lint. You look like a mohair kind of girl. Between you and hubby you can harvest enough to have that new coat by Christmas.
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🙂
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I like the ide of being a feelance navel lint farmer – wondering,though how the price of British compares on the international market?
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I’m not sure what the exchange rate is on the international market. I wonder if it will trade like items on the commodity market (corn, soybeans, etc.). Perhaps you could invest in Navel Lint futures and make a fortune.
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Now there’s an idea. I could add NLF to my portfolio. Thanks for the tip
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That was surreal 😀 Nice one, Russell
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Thanks, Varad. Bellybutton Lint is not something a lot of people think about, but everyone produces it.
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Ha ha ha ha ha. Where do I sign on?
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I’d ask Curly Templestein.
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I’m sure we produce as much as the market will bare. 🙂
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From people who don’t keep their navel clean, the product is used in chemical weapons.
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And here I thought it was cheese. Limburger perhaps.
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Eeeuw! That’s almost as gross as harvesting earwax for use in furniture polish! 😉
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Or toe jam for making lip gloss. EEEUWW!!
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This is truly fun! Who knew about the great lint harvest? You ALWAYS make me smile. Lish
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Bjorn says it’s great for germinating marijuana. Is that true?
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Very appropriate for Va-lint-tine day. Was almost like a David Attenborough documentary.
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Why, thank you, Subroto. I’ll take that as a compliment.
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Aside from the hilarity of belly button lint harvesting, I learned something helpful from you today. As my husband’s hearing loss grows worse, his tendency to hum or whistle increases. No particular tune, which drives me to want to harvest HIS belly button lint. But he says he hears music in his head that he recognizes, and he claims not to know he’s humming or whistling. Huh.
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There’s music in my head all the time. I’ve played guitar and sang since I was 12 (50 years), so I don’t think it’s such a bad thing. The songs I hum are always ones I know, but evidently I do it without realizing that I’m humming out loud. Not being able to hear well, sometimes I get a little loud and Connie finds it annoying. I’m getting new custom-fit hearing aids in a couple of weeks. I don’t know if they’ll reduce my humming, but at least I should be able to hear myself (and others) better.
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Can you believe that I actually started to harvest some lint… It can be used to germinate pot seeds I’m told.
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No kidding? That means there’s a great market here in California and Colorado. Got any spare seed?
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for it to work, rising to the occasion is a must. otherwise, it’s no way jose. 🙂
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You can do it, Plaridel. I have faith in your bellybutton.
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Belly button lint farming! Haha – that was hilarious. I went back to check if I had misread! Thanks for the laughs 😀
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You’re welcome. Thanks for reading.
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From snow to belly-button lint. This was amusing, though I read it with a slight grimace. I wondered why participants in belly-to-belly rubbing kept their shirts on, and then realised it made for greater output. Well thought out farming methods, I must say 🙂
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Yes, keeping the garments on is an absolute must for this type of agriculture to be successful. Wearing tattered rags (like American teenagers) increases the harvest even more.
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😄 I’m thoroughly impressed by your knowledge.
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Hmm … how does belly button lint farming work for those with ‘outie’ belly buttons?
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Not so well, but still work in accounting. Someone has to measure and weigh all the lint.
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I’ll never look at belly button lint the same again.
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I use a mirror to see mine. 🙂
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Such a wonderful imagination you have. I never knew belly button lint harvesting was such a great business. I need to read more widely obviously – I’m adding the Old Farmer’s Almanac to my wish list 🙂
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Good plan, Sarah. Perhaps there’s a lint collection station near you.
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I’ve always enjoyed a good belly button story. Does it work for both innies and outies?
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Yes, but you have to harvest more frequently with outies. Also, don’t go outside on windy days–you’re crop my blow away.
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That’s understandable.
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I will never look at a romantic interlude the same way again. But, then I could use a little extra income. I hear cotton brings the highest price. Better get busy. LOL BTW, thanks for the ‘ears up’ on the humming. I too, have hearing loss and hear music all the time! @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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Mohair is a good option this time of year.
A lot more people have hearing loss than would care to admit it. I’m pretty open about my problem. People are pretty good about helping you out if they know you’re having difficulty understanding their words.
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Funny! Sounds like profit for little work – and fun work.
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