What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Inferior Decorators
I’ve always believed in bad Karma, but didn’t know it could happen in a dream. Last night, I dreamed I was hanging out with a group of people. One of them pulled out her cellphone, and naturally everyone else reached for theirs too. It was like the gunfight at the O.K. Corral with cameras snapping, tweets exploding, and Facebook posts with the latest road-kill recipe.
I began to make fun of how big their phones were and how they needed elephant-size pockets to carry them. Then I drew my ancient iPhone 5S to exhibit its superior compact design and promptly dropped it on the ground. It shattered. I don’t mean a slight crack with spider web patterns across the screen. It literally busted into chunks. Who’s laughing now?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the 100-word expert, who’s been known to burst into creepy laughter, is Alexa Echo Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Welcome to the open house at Brainfart Manor. You will notice that fixtures, furniture, and artwork have been updated to reflect the theme Beyond Shabby Chic, as directed by Lord Brainfart.”
“Wow. I’ve never seen polka dot drapes in the same room with zebra-stripe carpet. And that’s an interesting piece of art. Who did that?”
“That, Madam, is an original finger-painting by Timothy Leary. It’s called Psychedelic Ecstasy.”
“Did Lord Brainfart personally select these items?”
“No, Madam. He enlisted an Inferior Decorator, Mr. Claude Bawls.”
“Wow, an Inferior Decorator. That must have cost a fortune.”
“Yes, Madam. Claude Bawls doesn’t come cheap.”
55 Comments on “Inferior Decorators”
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What's So Funny? 
Can that much resplendent on the outside somehow contain so much equally bizarro on the inside?
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You’ll have to pay the $20 dollar tour fee to find out.
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Wow, an inferior decorator. That place is way beyond shabby chic. It’s enough to bring on a migraine. Hilarious, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne
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If I’d have more than 100 words, I could have told you a lot more.
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😀
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Oh, that’s hilarious, dream sequence included! I can just picture that room…well, maybe I’ve seen it… some of the waiting rooms I’ve been in lately are pretty badly decorated. LOL!
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That was a weird dream. I promise I won’t tease anyone about the size of their phone again.
Glad you liked Brainfart Manor.
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Egads! Sorry ’bout your phone… ON the plus side, you can now get your very own Mega-Plus-Not-Fit-In-Any-Pocket sized one… and what a great description of what happens (sadly) at too many gatherings…
As for your story. I think I need some Gravol. I’m feeling a tad queasy.
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Yes, that’s exactly what happened in the dream, Dale. I went shopping for a mega-phone. If you can join ’em, beat ’em at their own game.
Hope you’re feeling better after the next blog.
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Ha Ha!
Ummm. You’re not planning on turning my stomach again, are You?
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Wealth does not equal good taste.
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Our President is a shining example of that, although is wife is not bad.
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🙂
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An inferior decorator? I think I might have employed one of those.
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It wasn’t C.E. Ayer was it?
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Och aye! I remember now…
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Hey, I might be inferior but I am not, have never been, and never will be a decorator.
Gadzooks, fellow, you push me far!
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You don’t really look like the decorator type, but with a pink beret and checkered scarf, you’d pull if off. Okay, a plaid beret, but only because you’re a Scot.
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ha-ha-ha Too much shabby and not enough chic! 🙂
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I don’t know what they had stuck in their eye, but it wasn’t beauty.
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Dear Steve Out-Of-Jobs,
Is AI becoming a reality??? Creepy laughter indeed. As for phoes…one night we were out with friends….2 women and 3 guys. At the end of our meal, Jan flipped out his Samsung to figure up the tip. This turned into three fellas comparing the size of their smartphone screens. The other woman and I made eye contact and that was all she wrote. We laughed so hard and the guys never could figure out what so funny. I dubbed this moment “Techtosterone.” (This is a true story…some things just can’t be made up).
As for your story. Claude Bawls must’ve been the Inferior decorator for Elvis’ mansion. I’ve only seen pictures but they match your descriptions. On another note, I once brought home a bentwood rocker that was actually metal…painted red with black and white zebra striped cushions. Jan positively hated it. I gave it away when we moved. It just didn’t fit the new decor. I kind of wish I’d kept it. I miss that chair…it had a personality all its own even if it wasn’t purple.
There…my comment is now longer than your story. My work here is done.
Shalom,
Alexa Echo…Alexa Echo…Alexa Echo…Alexa Echo W(T)F
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Dear Alexa Echo,
Can you believe I actually researched something? What’s this world coming to?
You know, you could have dyed the white zebra stripes purple.
Too bad you lost your rocker
Steve Out-of-Jobs
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The Timothy Leary reference was perfect
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Thanks, Neil. You gotta be on acid to paint like that.
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Claude Bawls is the perfect name for an inferior decorator. Plus it’s one I won’t forget if I ever decide to hire someone to redo …. Well, anything in my house!
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Lord Brainfart highly endorses Mr. Bawls. You can’t get a better reference than that.
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Great names!
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and lame brains.
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Well, that’s the inside done, now for exterior – and those stones are just begging for some spots and stripes. Call the outferior decorators!
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Yes, something needs to be done about those rocks.
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My eyes are still smarting from the polka dots and zebra stripes. Such and imaginative and imagery-full tale this week 🙂
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Thanks, Sarah Ann. It’s a sight to make eyes sore.
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I think I’ve always been an inferior decorator but I didn’t know that I was one. Feeling pretty superior now. Lord Brainfart is a man ahead of his times.
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Me neither. I couldn’t decorate a dog house. Yes, Lord Brainfart lives on the edge. The edge of what, I don’t know, but it’s the edge of something.
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I am reliably informed that if you tease a tiger then Claude Bawls come free of charge, and almost instantaneously.
And polka dots are clearly an error of judgement, much better with cha-cha dashes.
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Perhaps it’s time to slip into my claw resistant undies.
You’re right. Let’s go with the cha-cha dashes. How do you feel about paisley?
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Wow! What a messed up mixture. Mind you, I think I prefer it to magnolia wall and a beige carpet. Entertaining descriptions, Russell!
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Thanks, Penny. You get your money’s worth when you hire an Inferior Decorator.
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beauty is to the eye of the beholder. most especially, if you paid big bucks. 🙂
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Absolutely. And nobody in the business has worse taste than Claude Bawls.
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One of the many things I love about your writing are the titles and names you come up with Russell. What a clever story and as always, it made me laugh.
BTW, I have one of those phones that needs an elephant pocket. But, it’s mostly because I can’t read those little ones anymore. 🙂
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If you like the names I come up with, you’ll really love the characters in One Idiot Short of a Village, such as Blind Rutabaga and his seeing-eye dog, Stevie (named for Stevie Wonder). 🙂
I think this whole small print thing is a conspiracy. Pretty soon, I’ll be carrying around a 42 inch screen myself.
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I think that’s a great way of getting away in the legal paper for a decorator::
,,, no sir, that’s not a typo, I really am an inferior decorator… you will need an interior decorator, but I don’t give refunds.
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With the popular styles these days and inferior decorator might do well for themselves. I’ve seen plenty that goes beyond tasteless and tacky.
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Brainfart. We lived for 11 years in a town called Brainerd. Visitors from more urban places often referred to it as Braindead. Just a random memory 🙂
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I’m familiar with Brainerd, Minnesota. The Hillshire folks from Chicago referred to Springdale as Mayberry and thought we were all either Gomer or Goober.
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🙂
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I once delivered flowers to a house owned by a foreign businessman. The carpet was two inches deep, every piece of furniture was painted gold and heavy with curliques and there was an electric chandelier that hung the height of two floors in the stairwell. I think they might have used Mr Bawls too …
That phone karma is a b***h, no? 🙂
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A lot of people have more money than taste when it comes to decorating. Graceland is a good example.
Experiencing bad karma in a dream was a first for me. Perhaps a wake-up call?
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Your subconscious trying to tell you something? But what? 🙂
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You know the comments are just as hilarious as your story … both of them.
Cell phones have become a nightmare. There isn’t a place to get away from them.
When did we all get so important? ahhhh … my battery went out on my IPhone S5. I stood
my ground and refused to purchase another. One day, good old IPhone S5 was working again. LOL (I really wanted to type a scary movie laughter but don’t know how).
Oh … the other story … I’m with Rochelle. It sounds like the inferior decorator Elvis might have hired.
Have a super week …
Isadora 😎
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I don’t know how to type scary laughter either. I think it starts with a “B” like Baahaa, but I don’t know for sure. When I type it, it comes across like a sheep screaming for help.
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Well done and funny, too! Great story.
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Thank you. Funny is what it’s all about on this site.
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You never disappoint! I can read your work without laughing out loud! I wish I had a speck of your imagination! Well done! @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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