What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
No Film at Eleven
Tomorrow, I’ll be speaking at the OLLI (Osher Lifelong Learning Institute) monthly Books & Birthdays bash at Bordino’s. Many of the members of this group are distinguished professionals, teachers, and highly respect community leaders.
I had planned to speak on how to generate a second income from Bellybutton Lint Farming, but have been asked to share The Seven Six Habits of Highly Effective Procrastinators instead. That is, unless I can think of an excuse to postpone it for a couple of months.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our facilitator is the diminutive, yet effervescent, Speedy Alka-Seltzer Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Mr. Wingnut, someone came into Ms. Vincent’s house today, had a cup of tea, and allegedly stole a very precious family heirloom.”
“Was it the invisible box?”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“She’s always babbling about how magical it is. I’m sure she told you the story about her great-grandfather and the gypsies.”
“Yes, she did. Has she shown you the box?”
“She pointed at a space beside the refrigerator, but I didn’t see anything.”
“Ms. Vincent believes you have security cameras, which may have captured the intruder on video.”
“I have some cameras, but none with the capability to detect invisible objects.”
- the snippet above is an excerpt from Criminal Mimes
68 Comments on “No Film at Eleven”
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What's So Funny? 
But the thief wouldn’t be invisible, unless there were no thief.
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No, the thief isn’t invisible–only the box. But without evidence, how can you prove there’s been a crime?
Here’s a brief description of the thief. Please contact Detective Colton Lowry if you see her. She’s short (barely taller than a pigmy), wearing white face-paint and black lipstick, a beret, a purple and white horizonal-striped shirt, and purple sneakers.
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Dear Speaker of the Out House,
I’ve thought about procrastinating, but I keep putting it off. As for the invisible box…I might have some inside on it but my painted lips are sealed. How revaulting. I think you need a special lens to see an invisible box. Those criminal mimes are devious, aren’t they? Plop-plop-fizz-fizz oh what lens it is. 😉
Shalom,
Speedy Alka-Seltzer W(T)F
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You are batting a thousand today!!!
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Dear Speedy Alka-Seltzer W(T)F,
Thinking about procrastinating is a good place to start. However, I fear you don’t have the willpower it takes to avoid or postpone work, evidenced by the way you’ve been mass-producing wine glass paintings (are there eight to a set?) lately. Even a factory full of Chinese laborers working day & night on black-velvet Elvis paintings couldn’t keep up with you.
It’s hard to say how many more crimes this mime will perpetrate before Lowry can stop her. But one thing is certain, she won’t be procrastinating.
Colon Bladder,
Speaker of the Outhouse
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I am up-in-arms about the theft of the invisible box– especially since it is a beloved and valuable heirloom. I really think Russ should call on the general public to call in any tips or clues they might have. Right now I am clueless…
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The thief will eventually trip herself up on the laces of her clown-size, purple sneakers. Ms. Vincent has posted photos of the invisible box all over Belton, MO. But so far, no one has seen it.
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Hilarious bits of flash fiction from Russell starring the invisible box.
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Thank you, Suzanne. No one can accuse you of procrastinating. 🙂
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The invisible box mystery gets better and better!
I wish I could attend the lecture. I was going to do some research on how to procrastinate more effectively but I put it off. 😀
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Well, you can always order One Idiot Short of a Village on Amazon (you’re a Kindle reader, aren’t you?). The Six Habits are included at no extra charge.
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I’m a semi-Luddite. I don’t have a Kindle or a mobile phone. 🙂
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At least it was an invisible box, and not an invisible plane. Well done!
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The problem with invisible planes is you need an invisible runway, which opens a whole nother can of worms.
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I was considering putting off writing a comment, but I decided to put that off and wait until your lecture on putting things off. Now I’m a dash confused, some I’m writing now. I hope you don’t mind if I write in invisible ink.
Whew! I really wrote a lot, as you can see in the invisible ink above. I hope hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed your post. 😉
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I certainly did, Eric. And I put off reading it until the last possible moment.
The invisible ink was a little confusing, but when I held a Bic lighter up to my screen it became legible.
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I figured you knew about the lemon juice. 😉
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My comment is invisible look:-
Oh you can’t see it. Ah well, another with my invisibility pen turned around :-
Nice story. I skipped the intro… I hope it didn’t affect my enjoyment of this story.
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You can’t skip Russell’s intros… don’t tell him but sometimes they are almost better than his story! 😉
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Okay. Mum’s the word. Dale 😎
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Shhh…. our little secret…
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Okay. Read intro now. Now it’s morning and I am in a more receptive mood. There is irony in here, for sure, and touches of ambiguity, which are making me smile and frown, and read it aloud to my wife over the phone. I think she is smiling too. 🙂
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See? There is almost (mostly) always something to make you smile…😊
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I think you were writing with the eraser end of your invisible pencil, Kelvin. Don’t be embarassed. It happens to me all the time.
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Haha – I think you may be write. Now, if only I could choose the right end to chew to take those words away before they do any harm…
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I’ve heard of phone sex, but phone procrastination is a new one on me. Kinky!
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If an invisible box can’t be seen, was it really there in the first place?
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That’s one of the challenges facing Detective Lowry.
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Gonna have to upgrade the surveillance equipment… though I fear they will always be one step ahead…
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Rest assured that as soon as the technology is availabe to film invisible objects, Harvey Wingnut will have it.
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I’ve no doubt, sir!
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By the way, love the new look! 😉
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Thanks, Dale. The goal is to turn this into a full-bore website. Look for a speaker tab soon.
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Now, now…
By the way, I’m ordering your book. If I’m to encourage all the published FF peeps, that includes you!
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LOL…you’ve got a real head scratcher here!
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Thanks, Dawn. Hanging out with purple-clad pigmies will make you scratch your head.
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But isn’t it obvious? The box was stolen by the invisible man.
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You’re not even close, Alice. But if I were you, I’d keep an eye on those “Do Not Remove” tags on my furniture and mattresses, especially if you live in the Kansas City area.
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The problem with invisible boxes is that they seem to get mislaid a lot. I suggest asking an imaginary psychic for help.
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Good point. Detective Lowry has been thinking about enlisting the help of a psychic, but has not gotten around to actually doing so.
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Will tell you what I thought of the story in a couple of days. Or maybe right now. Here it is:
Hope that comment proves useful in taking your writing career to greater heights.
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Thanks for the high praise! I will feel invigorated in a few days.
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Ho, what fun. And thought-provoking, too. Would the contents of an invisible box be visible? I suppose Ms Vincent knew the box was missing because she couldn’t feel it? There are all sorts of interesting speculations, but I’ll leave them for another time. I must get back to reading FF posts so I don’t have to work on my novel, which would otherwise distract me from the housework that needs doing…
Well written story and introduction, Russell!
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Reading posts and writing comments is a great procrastination tool. Perhaps I’ll include it as an additional point in my speech. Nah, don’t want to give away too many trade secrets. 🙂
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Like Penny, I want to know more – does the invisible box make everything inside it invisible too? I need me one of those – I’ll keep it in my invisible condo I bought with my invisible millions. How’d the talk go, Russell? Or did you get too distracted to go?
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According to the gypsy, the invisible box has magical powers–that’s all I can tell you for now, Lynn.
The presentation is scheduled for 11:30. I’ll start preparing my speech at 11:26
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Ha! Plenty of time! Hope it all goes well, Russell. You’re a braver man than I – I loathe talking in public 🙂
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I like Mr. Wingnut. It’s a revolutionary name with a twist. Great story.
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Harvey Wingnut has quite an arsenal of weapons and thinks of himself as a one-man SWAT team of Snipe Lane.
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I was going to read the 7th habit but it was in the invisible box, and I’ll follow up on it tomorrow. Or maybe next week….or next year. Count on it…..
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We need to get you one of those wooden coins called a “round tuit.”
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Poor iold lady is just looking for a little excitement in her life
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I think so, but having someone steal her invisible box has really put her on edge.
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I can’t say anything more than this was delightful because everyone else has said it all ~ invisibly.
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Thanks, Lish. I’ve been debating on whether to write any narrative when I get to the chapter from the mime’s POV, or should I just have a couple of blank pages?
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The good thing about invisible boxes is that they don’t need dusting. Or do they? Maybe you just see a flat plane of dust suspended in the air… How far can you go with this?
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Good question, Sandra. I’m not aware that dust can stick to an invisible surface, but who knows.
I expect this to be a novella length story when completed.
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Only an invisible thief could steal an invisible object. All we need now is an invisible camera!
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Actually, the thief is visible, but does not speak. She also wears facepaint.
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A female mime artist! It makes sense that she needs an invisible box. 🙂
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She certainly does. I wonder how many people saw her carrying it through the neighborhood.
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Only invisible thieves can steal an invisible box…
I would call for an invisible detective
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No can do, Bjorn. Too much of a good thing and I’d have invisible readers.
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I’m intrigued to know why Mrs Vincent thought the intruder had a cup of tea. I can imagine she saw the box gone, but if, as Bjorn says, only invisible thieves can steal invisible boxes, then presumably their tea cups are invisible too and don’t sit happily on draining boards? 🙂
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I’m glad you’re intrigued. This is a snippet from “Criminal Mimes.”
Here’s a brief synopsis; The invisible box was stolen by a mime. That’s not the only thing she steals. Even if he catches her, it’s going to be difficult to get her to talk (at least verbally).
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I look forward to your accounts of the court case, if Wingnut ever catches her of course.
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I love the criminal theme and here, I got so much form the comments as i did your story….
and so true…
without evidence, you cannot prove there’s been a crime!
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I suspect this case will go cold.
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