Russell Gayer, author speaker
I received the nicest card in the mail yesterday. It had a picture of a sock monkey on the front and a hand-written note inside. The postage stamp was round and featured a textured kickball—truly unique.
It was from a fellow fictioneer who had ordered a copy of One Idiot Short of a Village. When shipping the book, I asked the post office for the least expensive option. They recommended sending it by stagecoach to St. Joe, MO, and Pony Express from there to a remote location in Montana, where a one-legged prospector would carry it through grizzly bear country to it’s final destination. They assured me it would arrive by mid-summer.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our online recorder who will help you stake a claim to your 100-word story is Howette Sprague Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
In much the same manner as a blind man finds his way down the sidewalk, sweeping a cane in serpentine fashion, owners of the Selfie Stick wander through life with their arm and telescoping rod fully extended.
The primary difference being the blind man is seeking to safely navigate from point A to point B, while the stick-bearer, captivated by the magnetism of his own image, tends to stumble into light posts and parked cars.
After watching a dozen stick-bearers tumble off into the ravine, I petitioned the Mayor of Jellystone to rename this area The Tar Pit of Idiots.
*the above is an excerpt from “Saving Hollywood” one of the short stories in One Idiot Short of a Village.
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This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
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Dear Yogi Grin-And-Bear-It,
Ah the selfie stick…it’s not enough that people fall into holes or end up in head-on collisions while glued to their dumb-phones. Stupidity so clear a blind man can see it. Love the new look of the website. Colorful and inviting. Adjusting my bow tie. Good morning to you.
Shalom,
Howette Sprague W(T)F
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Dear Howette Sprague W(T)F,
Yes, they even walk out in front of cars with their earbuds firmly in place. Not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Glad you like the new look. I like having the additional tabs at the top too. Get your bow tie on straight before heading over to Emmett’s.
Having fun recording all those claims,
Yogi Grin-and-Bear-It
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Gee, my copy of “One Idiot Short of a Village” took so long to come here it was called “One Idiot Short of a Village Waiting to Discover Fire.” It was post-marked through Atlantis. It WAS worth waiting for though!
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Thank you for your purchase, Perry, and for the outstanding Amazon review. I’m sure you remember when they discovered fire, although I doubt you had any hand in inventing the wheel. Keep looking for that cesspool of middle age. I’m sure it’s out there somewhere.
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Hilarious information from Russell Gayer.
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Thanks, Suzzanne. I appreciate the reblog.
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This post is a real winner, Russell. I sat here and laughed out loud. My bank in the U.S. is Wells Fargo. I wonder if they sometimes still use wagons. By the way, I have an ebook copy of “One Idiot Short of a Village” which was sent electronically thank goodness as I’m in India and no telling how long it would have taken a boat to bring it. 😀 — Suzanne
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Thanks, for buying an eBook, Suzzanne. I would love a review on Amazon if you would please write on for me.
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Sure, Russell. 🙂 Suzanne
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A perfect summation of anyone who uses a selfie stick.
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We saw a million of them in Hollywood. A little gift shop was selling them for $5 and people were scooping them up by the dozens.
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LOVED this.
and I do not see very many selfie sticks anymore (dude, those are like so 2015…? – jk…)
but the social dynamic you grabbed is spot on (get it – spot on..)
anyhow, another great takeaway for me is the opening story…
“They recommended sending it by stagecoach…”
very fun!
but it also hit home because I have had some cocky postal employees get rude over the years.
For a long period of time we were at the post office a lot- and one holiday season we were sending DVDs and one local post office gave this crazy high price (and when you are mailing 40 it adds up) and so decided to go to a different branch (all part of the same federal system) and price was half cheaper.
anyhow, we barely mail stuff anymore, but it seemed to me that one of the postal workers least favorite question ever had to be:
what is “the least expensive option?”
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Great comment. I got a chuckle from it, especially the post office story. Business is kind of slow at the old P.O. today. If it weren’t for the junk mail, they wouldn’t have anything to deliver.
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haha – yeah – and in our town (richmond va) a midlothian PO just got busted for tossing trash.
funny thing is a few years back the hubs mailed some stuff for me – from that place – and it never arrived.
now it makes me wonder….
it ended well in the end –
but I heard the old PO (USPS) is having major changes to their structure?
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You’re right. Their narcissism is atrocious
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My, Larry, you’ve certainly aged since your last photo. I do love the hat, however. You were it well.
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Thanks Russell. I’ve been told I’m quite a dead ringer for Tennyson
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Once all that self-obsession would have been thought a tad, well, self-obsessed
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You’re right, Neil. Now, it’s quite commonplace. The tar pit is filling quickly.
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Captivated by the magnetism of his own image. Wonderful. You are very clever to tell such a detailed story in one hundred words.
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Thanks, Jilly. There are people on Facebook who post new photos of themselves everyday. The good news is, they are easy to buy for at Christmas. Just get them a mirror and they’re entertained for hours.
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There’s someone besides me in Montana? Where! Yellowstone doesn’t count.
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Actually, I thought you were the Post Mistress of the entire state. Was I wrong?
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How’d you know I was down to one leg?
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Serious LOL! I’ve had several people stumble into me as they were glued to their phones and not watching where they were walking. That’s when I bring out the Ratso Rizzo impression 🙂
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Better watch where THEY are going, Morgaine. I can see a head-on collision happening.
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True! Forgot to mention, I really like your new blog format!
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Love the complex delivery options. That probably why I’ve been seeing storks lately and little men riding on sparrows, or maybe that’s all related to the cheap tequila I was drinking. One never knows. Loved this line, “…captivated by the magnetism of his own image…” What’s even funnier is a lot of these folks have little apparent magnetism to justify such fascination. Fun post all round. Loved it all.
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That’s just like you, Eric. Blame it on the tequila–or was it the worm?
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What? You’re not supposed to eat the worm? 😉
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You can eat as many as you want, just don’t BLAME them for your hallucinations. They are very sensitive and get their little feeling hurt quite easily.
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Ha! The tar pit of Idiots seems like a good place for a photo-op. Let me just grab my selfie stick 😉
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Hop right in. There’s plenty room for more. It’s a bottomless pit.
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I like the way you make the point that self-obsession blinds the selfie-stick wielders. A sharp lesson wrapped in the sugar coating of humour.
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What a nice comment, Penny. You are always so witty. Can’t wait to read your post.
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Dear Russell
What a lovely comment! Thank you so much!
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Ha.. I’m sure that Darwin would have said that the selfie stick is just another tool to improve the gene pool
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Now, was the self-stick an act of creation or evolution? Inquiring minds want to know.
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I’d be embarrassed to carry a selfie-stick. I’ve always considered it a rather tacky display of narcissism. Your humor made the story work, though, so that even the person with the selfie-stick was kind of likable
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Me too, but they telescope down to just a few inches. You could easily hide one in your purse.
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I do love the comparison of the blind man’s stick and the selfie stick. I think the truly blind see much better than those attached to their phones! I’m glad you found it lovely to get a sock monkey card and a kickball stamp in the mail. A review on Amazon will be on its way as soon as I finish memorizing what golgi tendons and semimembranosus do.
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The self-stick has led to blindness (or at least becoming cross-eyed) in thousands of Americans. Those terms you threw out there are alien to me. I hope they’re not contagious.
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They’re foreign to me too but I have to memorize them and SO many more body parts to get my group fitness certificate!
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Show off!
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Truly, my brain is about to EXPLODE!!!
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P.S. I too think the new look of your blog is stellar!
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Thanks for the feedback. I hired a young lady to help me. We added several other pages (see tabs @ top) and changed the theme to make it more functional.
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I got whacked around the head by someone with one of those wretched stick things the other day. It hurt.I’m hoping the phone photographed the face I pulled and recorded what I said!
Click to read my 100 Word Story!
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Loved your post this week, Keith. Funny stuff.
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Haha! So funny. I hate selfie sticks – what is the matter with people that they need to take so many pics of themselves? As the world becomes more overcrowded, do we need to keep reminding ourselves we’re still here? Great story Russell
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I never saw as many as they have in Hollywood. The toursits were goobling them up.
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I don’t mean to sound callous, or promote violence in any shape or form, but I feel that anyone wandering about such an idyllic spot with a phone on a stick deserves to die.
Want to borrow a couple of my AA members?
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Absolutely. I think this is the first time I’ve killed anyone off, or at least drowned them in a tar pit, but these folks definitely deserved it.
Yes, send ’em over.
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You’re leaning against an open door here, making fun of the selfie-stick users. No fate is too dreadful for them.
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Well, at least I don’t have to worry about them taking a photo of me. They’re too in love with their own image.
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if there’s any consolation, the selfie stick will be replaced by a drone. it’s becoming so sophisticated that it can now be programmed to follow your every move or somebody else’s. 🙂
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The have a device (or app) for everything. There’s an ad on TV that says, “Let Google Do It.” Pretty soon, they’ll have a drone that can wipe your bottom.
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First of all: Love your new blog look. It is simply https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gbDgptNlvA !
And those selfie sticks… lawsy… You will NEVER see me with one, you hear me?
And… I am anxiously awaiting my very own copy… xo
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Ha! I hadn’t seen do the Fernado “Marvelous, Darling” skit in a long time. That was great!
Email or message me your mailing address. They’e $18 + postage.
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So glad you did (see it and enjoy it).
Will do! 😘
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I protest vociferously against the Mayor’s decision. The gene pool needs to be rid of those idiots, more the merrier.
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Let’s stage a march on city hall.
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So funny. But the view is obviously worth dying for!
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Unfortunately, they weren’t taking photos of the view. 🙂
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Oh well. 🙂
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Tar pit of idiots 😀
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Glad you liked it.
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Evolution will ensure that the next batch of humans will be born with an additional extendable arm and duck lips. Reminds me of the time when I was in year 7, the picturesque hill station I was schooling in was agog with the news of am incident involving a honeymooning couple. The husband wanted a really good picture near what we called “Land’s End”. So he was giving directions to the the wife to move a bit here, a bit there and as a result sent her tumbling down the mountainside. In these selfie stick times they probably don’t need instructions.
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That’s true, they don’t need instructions. They have a God-given talent for it.
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I wish I could be clever and add something humorously worthy but I’ve arrived late (as always, Latins are always late – you know, I’m grand and I’m here notice-me entrance). Teacher, everyone took my comment. Sssoooo … I’ll just say, “Ditto”.
Isadora 😎
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Ditto works, and don’t apologize for being late. Better late than never.
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Great. Very funny.
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Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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I especially love the title!
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Thank you, Dawn. We need more No-Selfie Zones for the safety of the general public.
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LOL…you may be right.
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Brilliant narration, Russell.
Loved the analogy between a blind man’s stick and the selfie stick .
Thanks for the laugh.
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Thanks, Moon. It’s a conflicting comparison, which happened to fit for this situation.
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Thank you for correcting the wrong,Russell.🙂
How I wish I could make people laugh with my tales too! I admire your talent.
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You can. It’s not that hard. Just connect with the 5-year-old inside you.
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Good story, Russell. I liked your analogy. It’s always that last step for the best selfie. 🙂
And, unfortunately, authorities in many countries have had to put up signs limiting selfies because of the number of deaths associated in certain areas.
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I’m not surprised by the number of deaths world wide caused by cellphones in general. People wearing earbuds step out into traffic and those taking selfies wander off a cliff. Perhaps it’s best for the gene pool.
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I think you have a good point. 🙂
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