Russell Gayer, author speaker
Let’s talk about “How To” books for a moment—especially those aimed at dummies. First of all, I don’t need to be reminded of my incompetence. I already have someone who does that for me. Secondly, I’m not sure I want to learn “How To.” The more you know, the more people expect from you. Who needs that pressure?
However, for those who insist on learning new skills, I have put my personal prejudices aside and included self-improvement essays in both my books. The instructional manual, How To Write “How To” Books and The Seven Six Habits of Highly Effective Procrastinators are just a few short clicks away. You can thank me later.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our inter-galactic cat-herding gypsy who shakes a long, skinny finger at 100-word violators, is Katarzyna (the E.T.) Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
The image was grainy, but clear enough to conclude that the person was petite, barely five-feet tall. The figure crept cross the backyard with short, pronounced steps, elbows tucked, forearms extended, like a small rodent sneaking up on an acorn.
On the return trip, the torso was more erect, leaning back with hands upturned as if carrying something in empty arms.
“Can you put this in slow motion?” asked Lowry.
“Sure.” Wingnut pressed a button on the remote.
They watched the video again.
“It looks like a midget,” said Wingnut. “Do you think this one ran away from the circus?”
*the above is an excerpt from my current work in progress, “Criminal Mimes.”
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
Stories From Within
Finding ways to make words sparkle
This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I may make you feel, but I can't make you think.
All the Blogging That's Fit To Print
AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.
A Humor Blog
Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind
Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!
An author's perspective of mystery and more.
And the worst things. And all that weird stuff in between.
Dear Detective Lowry,
There’s a hint of purple in the air this morning. Waiting for coffee to brew in a house not my own. As the early riser, I’m mistress of the coffee maker. This morning, I brewed a great pot of hot water. Amazing what you can do by adding the coffee. I might need Coffee Making for Dummies. Your story must take place in Roswell. We saw a few aliens there. Well, I must end here. I have to make a phone call.
Shalom and Nanu Nanu,
Katazyna (E.T. phone home) W(T)F
LikeLiked by 3 people
Dear Katarzyna (the E.T.) W(T)F,
There will be hints of purple later in this story regarding the cuprit’s sneakers and beret. She shouldn’t be too hard to pick out of a line-up. The story actually takes place in Belton, MO (you may have heard of this town). The thief has a cousin named Theo who is an unwitting accomplice.
Good luck with your phone call. I hope you don’t get hit with “roaming” charges.
Detective Lowry
LikeLiked by 2 people
Aha, at last a solid clue in the mystery!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, but I expect Lowry’s going to have a tough time getting a confession out of a mime.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Be sure to increase your enjoyment by ordering one of Russell’s hilarious books. If you enjoy these blogs you’ll “love” the books. Click on the word BOOKS at the top of the blog to find information on ordering. Do yourself a favor. You won’t be sorry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really appreciate you, Suzzanne. With you in my corner, how can I fail?
Thanks for all you do to promote my writing. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’re welcome, Russell. You deserve the help. This is great material. 🙂 — Suzanne
LikeLike
Haha You always have me laughing before I even get to the excerpt that you share. I love the titles of your books. And the statement about the more you know, the more people expect from you is so true. And “Criminal Mimes,” another great title. Hilarious as always, Russell.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Mandie. It’s a fun piece to write.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I, frankly, take affront at the whole “Idiot” and “Dummy” books. You will never see one on my shelves.
Now… as to that crime… it sounds spookily familiar… wonder why that is 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think most owners of the “Idiot” and “Dummies” guides keep them hidden away, however I have seen one or two at garage sales (namely, “How to Hold a Garage Sale for Dummies”)
As to the crime, you’ve been known to associate with the suspect, so don’t be surprised if you get a subpoena from the Grand Jury. And remember, you will be under oath.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I dunno… they didn’t get so popular all by themselves…
Dang! I shall keep my wits about me!
LikeLike
There’s something about this culprit that I suspect Wingnut knows. I had to procrastinate on getting the procrastinator book, but got another one instead 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the suspect you should be worried about. She’s a cereal killer and steals Do Not Remove Tags from mattresses and furniture. Keep a close eye on your Shredded Wheat and Bran Nuts and stitch those loose tags down.
I can’t believe I haven’t sold more copies of the Procrastination book to women looking for gifts for their husbands. Doesn’t yours have a birthday or anniversary coming up soon?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do Not Remove tags, now that’s serious! 😀
Unfortunately, my procrastination problem is worse than my husband’s…
LikeLike
I’m at a bit of a loss with this one – must be the lateness of the hour. I wonder if identity theft is taking place…
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, a mime stole an invisible box from a young lady’s house.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, yes! I’d forgotten the invisible box!
LikeLike
These invisible boxes are notoriously difficult to hide safely 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Evidently so. The victim kept hers by the refrigerator and told a lot of people about it. I think she even posted a photo of it on Facebook. No wonder it got stolen.
LikeLike
I want to know what the dwarf/alien was carrying – or not.
LikeLiked by 1 person
An invisible box. Hard to see on the video.
LikeLike
Maybe it’s one of Zing and Zang’s relatives from Zekon 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
My husband and I went to the opera, Turandot, the other day. I don’t know if you know much about it ganonine but there are three characters, Pin, Pang and Pong, brought Zing and Zang to mind!
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s hilarious 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
This little character would fit in nicely with this crew, even if she is from Belton, Missouri.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! What a fun take on this fuzzy picture. I’m enjoying your book very much! And will write an Amazon review soon. Seems like I have little time to read for myself. Maybe I need to drop one of my critique groups!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad you’re enjoying the book. Hopefully, you’re learning a lot about how to deal with armadillos.
How many critique groups are you in?
LikeLike
sounds familiar. i think i’d seen her before. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m pretty sure you have.
LikeLike
I love these two! The images of the mime had me giggling. Cleverly written as always.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Jennifer. She’s sneaky.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a great little mystery.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We know who the criminal is, but the evidence is a little shaky.
LikeLiked by 1 person
If I can get someone to click that mouse for me I’d buy the “Effective Procrastinators” book. But good help is so hard to find.
Was the small person wearing purple?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Subroto,
I’ll see if the mime will come over and click the mouse for you. Maybe she can swing by while on her current road trip.
Yes, this small person ALWAYS wears purple.
LikeLike
Looks like they have their work cut out for them, getting a mime to talk.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They’ll definitely need to bring in a translator.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A wonderful read and a nice twist.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Evergreen. It’s an ongoing saga. Let’s hope Detective Lowry catches the mime before she commits even more heinous crimes.
LikeLike
Surreal,great as always.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for reading and commenting, Michael. It’s good to see you again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. I try every week but refrain if I don’t think I’ll have time to comment on others
LikeLike
The invisible box really has been stolen. With this evidence Lowry and Wingnut are sure to crack the case… ?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let’s hope he’s able to find enough “visible” evidence to convict her.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aha! The midget has been caught … empty-handed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Only on video. Her arms only appear empty. In this case, it’s what you DON’T see that matters.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the missing invisible box!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly!
LikeLike
The invisible box returns! Possibly. I would like a ‘How to make a million by not learning new skills and doing absolutely nothing’. Let me know when you’ve written it 🙂
LikeLike
A short mystery, I think. 😉
PS I could be a contributing writer to your next Procrastinator’s book. I am well-versed in the art form.
LikeLike