Russell Gayer, author speaker
I’ve discovered the secret to being late. Leave early. It’s that simple. When there’s plenty of time to spare, your brain immediately tries to fill that void with a distraction or task that should only take a few minutes, but in reality takes five times as long as you imagined.
Therefore, if it’s critical that you arrive on time, I recommend leaving late. This will elevate your stress level and keep you so focused you won’t have time for stoplights, tollbooths, flat tires, and other annoying distractions. Drive like hell—You’ll get there.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our librarian in lavender, who keeps a close rein on the 100-word limit, is Fanny B. Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
genre – Parody
Dear Dr. Strangeglove,
I never dreamt I would become a writer. Now I are one.
Thanks to your amazing medical procedure, I’m now one soul with half a brain.
Whoever said ignorance is bliss wasn’t kidding. Ever since the icepick surgery I’ve been as happy as a five-year-old.
To celebrate, I propose we put on our Sunday clothes and dance in a mud puddle. Afterwards, we can cut out some cardboard wings and hang-glide off Mt. Nebo.
I plan to write a book on how wonderful it is to be thought-free–as soon as I find my crayons.
Forever lamebrain,
Corky
* I don’t usually read other’s posts before writing mine, but the title of our Fearless Leader’s story was just begging for a little satire and parody.
Poetry, Horror, Psychological Thrillers
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This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
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Dear Corky,
I never dreamt I’d be sparring with an Arkansas Redneck on such a regular basis. One soul without a single thought. I propose we scale Mt. Tabula Rasa and explore new species of vacancies. You have made me laugh. I confess. I hid your crayons in my invisible box alongside my ripped-off tag collection.
Shalom,
Fanny B. W(T)F
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Dear Fanny B. W(T)F,
Your title was just begging for a take-off. Botany & Lobotomy sound too much alike. Besides, I waited until the last minute and didn’t have time to come up with a thought-provoking story. 🙂
I suspect when I finally get my crayons back the purple one will be missing.
Corky
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Rochelle, that’s wonderful!
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One of my greatest joys in FF is sparring with himself. 😉
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Hey Corky! You IS really funny – You really IS! Cute story and thanks for the smiles!
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How mean! And how funny… 😀 Great parody.
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I must confess, I can be a little ornery at times. 🙂
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A LITTLE??? What would Connie say?
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That was very funny, Russell
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Thanks, Neil. I had fun writing it too.
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I’m smiling–even though this piece was written with no thought whatsoever from a vacant mind.
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Absolutely. I’m glad that came through.
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I must question the professionalism of this surgery. It might be too easily done by a frenemy.
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It’s pretty inexpensive. I think you can order a kit online and do it at home.
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Make sure you sterilize the ice pick.
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And sterlize the idiot afterwards so he doesn’t reproduce.
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Hey Corky,
It seems that you have not read my book, C. E. Ayr’s Varying Number of Rules of the Universe, which states that everything expands to fill all available space and/or time.
So, regardless of when you start, you should always arrive just in time to be too late.
For reasons that I have no time to explain, this book has not yet been published.
Yours lobotomically
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That sounds like an excellent tome, and destined to become a classic. Too bad it won’t be available in this millennium.
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Well, they do say ignorance is bliss and at this rate Corky should be the most blissful of beings on the planet. I like your answer to arriving late and shall employ it from now on at every opportunity. 🙂
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Corky is a happy camper. It doesn’t take much to thrill him. Give him a couple of paper clips and a roll of box tape and he can entertain himself for hours.
I glad you enjoy my excuse for being tardy. Feel free to use it as often as necessity requires.
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No doubt there’s a full supply of belly button lint to keep Corky occupied.
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Yes, there is that. In fact, he has a bumper crop due to all the cool weather this spring.
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He sounds like a hoot! 🙂
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Cardboard wings? Just the thing for angels!
Teehee! I liked your story, Russell!
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The cliff at Mt Nebo is pretty tall, but I suspect the cardboard wings would indeed get him to heaven.
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I was reading the comments in the Yahoo news the other day and I realize a large number of folks have enjoyed the bliss of icepick surgery. I’m often jealous of them, so unaware of those elusive bogeymen known as facts. Perhaps life would be easier to understand if one simply refused to analyze it. *sigh*
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You should take up the Alfred E. Newman motto, Eric. “What, me worry?”
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Even the lobotomised have to have a hobby. A touching story of true friendship and soulmates.
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Corky has two hobbies; picking his nose, and rolling ear wax into little balls.
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“When there’s plenty of time to spare, your brain immediately tries to fill that void with a distraction or task that should only take a few minutes, but in reality takes five times as long as you imagined.” In my case, I’m still working on a last minute task I thought I would finish on May 25, 2013 by 5:25. Russell, your truth goes marching on!
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When you hear the phrase, “I’m late?” do you still associate it with that old girlfriend whose period didn’t start on time?
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Tap tap tap tap, doc – – – – did me,e Tap tap tap tap
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🙂 good response, Mike.
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I was about to write – what? Is this letter-writing week? Then I read your comment that you just had to lean on the lavender one…
There are a few people I know who could use such icepick surgery… It may just make them nicer peeps…
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I can name one orange-haired buffoon who could certain use it–or perhaps he already has and they botched the surgery.
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Seriously…
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Ha ha ha. Why do I get the feeling that most people around us have already secretly undergone this surgery 🙂
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It’s not one that people brag about (like a vasectomy).
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Another hilarious two-for-one post by Russell Gayer. Go to the top of this post and click on BOOKS to enjoy more of his humor.
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Thank you again, Suzanne. I’m always honored to reblogged on your site.
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What a funny post. For some reason I kept thinking of Steve Martin in “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”.I suppose it’s the idiotic confidence. Brilliant.
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That’s one of my all-time favorite movies (right up there with Dumb & Dumber). I love the way Steve and Michael Caine played off each other.
Maybe all those folks who lack self-confidence should give a lobotomy a try.
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Yes, it’s a fantastic film and in my opinion it stands the test of time – I watched it again recently and Steve upping the stakes and appearing in that wheelchair gets me every time.
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That was such a great read – made me laugh, made me ponder!
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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Good. Those are the reactions I was hoping for.
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I can’t wait for this book. I imagine it will be colourful, quick to read and very insightful. And Corky’s right, it is can be wonderful to be thought-free 🙂
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Yes, I image Corky will rely heavily on cartoon art to tell his story. Don’t expect a literary masterpiece.
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Haha “I never dreamt I would become a writer. Now I are one.” I’m not sure which was more amusing, your intro, your story, or your comments. Hilarity all around.
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Funny you should say that. I’ve been told that some people visit my blog just to read the comments. It’s also my favorite part. I love interacting with the readers and have built some great friendships over the years–including yours. 🙂
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😃
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sounds like a plan. i wish him luck as he soars free as a bird defying the laws of gravity. 🙂
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It’s apt to be a short flight with a rough landing.
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So true about being late and being early. I never wear a watch. I get there when I get there 🙂
Corky has the right idea! 🙂
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I like your approach to time, Morgaine. I once wrote a poem about schedules and how we are slaves to time. We shouldn’t let a clock control us.
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I’m now one soul with half a brain This is how I feel most daze! Thanks for putting it into words. (I’m one of those “get there earlier than late” kind of gals. I’ve spent many, many minutes waiting in waiting rooms, Have I learned a lesson. NOPE!
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I hate it when you schedule an appointment, then have to wait 30 to 45 minutes (doctor’s office, etc.). On the other hand, I don’t like to be herded through like a neutered bovine either. I guess there’s just no pleasing me. 🙂
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A wonderful take..A delightful read. “One soul with half brain”, how many are out there 🙂
https://trailbrooklane.blogspot.in/2018/04/the-overview.html
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The percentage of half-brains is probably much higher than the general public would like to admit.
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Hi Russell! Cute story and so is your brain!
Funny and FUN~! The weeds were stealing all the water. The Lobotomy worked!
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My motto is, the more you know, the more you’re held accountable for.
As it is, people say, “Bless his heart, he doesn’t know any better.”
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So funny. Always so entertaining.
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Thanks, Lisa.
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Addressing the late issue, it’s elementary. Mum always said ‘better late than never,’ which gives you plenty of time really. (Unless you’re terminally ill with a timetable from the doctor)
Lobotomy sometimes sounds so attractive.
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My goal is to be late to my own funeral.
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I think you should manage that yourself but anything I can do to help, just let me know 😊
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Your advice is hilariously true! It really works. I hope Dr Strangeglove discourages him from the cardboard wing gliding but joins him in jumping puddles. Loved this.😂
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Playing in puddles is fun at any age. It’s all about the attitude.
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Oh my, very entertaining story. =)
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Thank you, Brenda.
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This was way too much fun 😀
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There are a whole lot of things I never done, but I ain’t ever had too much fun.
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I often have too much fun and have to pay the penalty later 😉
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I wonder if the dear doctor will take a cardboard hang glide… might be a just reward…
The one thing I knew of ice picks were more related to Trotsky to be honest, and he lost both half of his brain.
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I know several people who’ve lost the “Common Sense” lobe–or perhaps they were just born without it.
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Did the doc let you keep the other half of your brain as a souvenir?
How fortunate that the doc didn’t accidentally remove the funny half.
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Yes, it’s in a jar on the shelf in our bathroom.
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Vintage Russel — Now where did I put that other half of your brain ??? I forgot.
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See the above comment, Mike. It’s next to Abby’s brain. You know, Abby Normal?
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Hilarious! Thanks for the smiles.
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Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I hope you’ll visit again.
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Loved the intro! Maybe I will take your advice.
The story was a little cringe worthy…ice pick surgery? Yowzer!
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Thanks, Dawn. It’s always a struggle to be on time. Cringe worthy is a good way to describe Icepick surgery.
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It’s difficult for most to create a story with icepick surgery, a lobotomy, and hang-gliding and leave your readers smiling out loud! Great job, as always. Such talent. @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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