What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Street Vermin
Have you ever noticed that when a bug hits your windshield they always splatter directly in the center of your field of vision? This “accuracy of aim” occurs far too often to be purely coincidental. I suspect they are graduates from Kamikaze Insect Institute who are intent on delivering their payload where it makes the most impact.
A close friend of mine would always make keen observations like, “It took guts to do that,” or, “I bet he doesn’t have the guts to do it twice.” Another favorite is, “What’s the last thing that passes through a bug’s mind when he hits your windshield?” I’m sure you can guess the answer. If not, bug me about it in the comment section.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess is the renowned author and artist, The Belle of Belton, Shelley Kohlen Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Today marked the first time Shelley had encountered other people while carrying stolen property. Three boys in their early teens stopped her on a side street.
“Whatcha got there?” they teased. “Is it heavy?”
“Want me to carry if for you?” The tallest one made a goofy face and reached for the invisible box.
She had to spin hard to avoid his grasp and twisted her ankle on the curb.
An elderly man saw the boys harassing her and ran them off.
“You boys should be ashamed of yourselves.” He shook his cane at them. “Picking on a damned mime.”
*the above is an excerpt from my current work in progress, “Criminal Mimes.”
56 Comments on “Street Vermin”
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What's So Funny? 
Made me chuckle! XD
Nice one! 😀
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We like chuckles. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
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You are welcome! 🙂
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You have the quirkiest humour, Russell – loved this!
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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Thanks, Susan.
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Eagerly awaiting the next installment! 🙂
(I give up-what is the bug thinking?)
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Russell, Mike and I both enjoy your posts – you are a funny, funny guy – very entertaining!
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Thanks, Nan. Tell Mike I said, “Hi.”
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Dear Morgaine,
The last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when he hits your windshield is his rear end. 🙂
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Dear Grumpy Old Curmudgeon,
It’s a good thing she wasn’t a Land Mime or she might have exploded. Now I’m going to be up all night pondering the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield. I can only think of Mr. Bill. “Oh nooooo!” Enough of that. I’m packing my tags back into my invisible box. Always remember ‘a mime is a terrible thing to waste.’ Ah well, I don’t mime if you don’t mime. And the plotz thickens…or gets deeper.
Shalom,
Shelley Kohlen W(T)F
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The answer, m’lady, is his bahookie
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Dear Shelley Kohlen W(T)F,
Funny you should mention Land Mimes, Lowry is working on a Mime Detector to help sniff out the one in question. It’s only a matter of time before she’s serving time behind invisible bars in a mime-in-all security prison.
As for the answer to the bug riddle, Mr. Ayr is correct.
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Another post with two stories for the price of one. There’s a continuance of the enthralling “Criminal Mimes” thriller. If you thirst for more of Russell’s hilarious humor, go to the top of the blog and click on BOOKS.
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Thank you (again) Suzanne. That mime is really starting to bug people.
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Yes, mimes are like that. 😀 — Suzanne
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Lively stuff this week, Russell, with all the spinning and shaking and teasing.
At least one of us needs to have a lie down now.
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I agree. Perhaps we should take shifts. One of us needs to keep an eye out for the purple-clad pygmy.
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Bwahahahahahaha!
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Ha ha ha, crazy.
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Indeed. Who comes up with this crap?
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I’ve noticed a definite increase in mime-related invisible box crime recently on your blog Russell. A worrying trend.
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That’s only scratching the surface, Iain. This mime will also kill your cereal (the entire box) and take all the Do-Not-Remove tags from your furniture and mattresses. It is indeed a horrifying trend. Let’s hope other mimes around the world don’t try to follow in her tiny footsteps.
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If it’s not a bug that hits your windshield square in your line of vision. It’s that bloody flying rock that leaves a pock – that you have to have “stopped” from cracking so you live with it until forever you own your car. At least a bug can be washed off somewhat.
As to those street vermin, thank goodness for old men with canes… she’s safe. For now.
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I tried to leave it up to the reader to decide whether the street vermin were the boys, the old man, or the mime. 🙂
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Nice!! Love it!!
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He should have let them carry it then blown it up in their faces.
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Do you mean the invisible box?
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Liz,
I read your story and tried to leave a comment, but Blogspot erased it when I clicked the “publish” button. I’ve also had the same experience on othe Blogspot sites–it is not commentor friendly when explains why those posting on Blogger have fewer comments that those on WordPress.
Switching over is not that hard, and all your old post will immediately be transferred. Sure, there’s a short learning curve, but it’s certainly worth the effort. Just my two cents.
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Next time she better hide her invisible box, there isn’t always an old man with a cane around. The mysterious mime strikes again.
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It was a scary episode for Shelley. She plans to be more careful in the future.
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This mime sure does get around! I wonder what those guys would have done if she’d handed off her burden to one of them 🙂
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That’s a great question, Linda. I’m sure she was afraid they would drop and break it.
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A mime can’t be too careful with an invisible box. They’re quite fragile, you know.
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Since the old man didn’t get to give those three punks a thrashing with his cane. Shelley needs to needs to find them and bash them on Facebook. I’ve heard it’s life-shattering. Speaking of which, those poor bugs…
Our beloved province had adopted the slogan, “Saskatchewan, land of living skies.” A drive in the evening will quickly reveal just why. Viewing the spectacular sunsets, of course.
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The boys were just being boys. What really hacked Shelley off was the digust the old man used in referring to mimes. She would have flipped him off, but decided he wasn’t worth the effort.
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Oho! The invisible box appears again! I wonder to what extent we all carry invisible boxes that make us clumsy in dealing with others.
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Great analogy. We’ve certainly got our baggage.
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Very enjoyable.
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Thanks, Lisa
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I love this story, it made me laugh but I could see it happening too. The mime girl with her invisible box and the boys teasing her about the invisible box. Love a bit of whacky humour.
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Mimes get picked on a lot in real life and are often treated with disdain. Shelley is a very interesting and complex character. I’m not sure what drove her to a life of crime, but hopefully I’ll figure it out before the book is complete.
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“I bet he doesn’t have the guts to do it twice.” had me in stitches. Hilarious flash as always but will reblog for the bugs on windscreen bit.
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Glad you got a kick out of that line, Fatima. I always laughed when my friend said that.
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Reblogged this on Fatima Fakier Fiction Writing and commented:
Hilarious post from Russell Gayer. His style is quirky and has me in stitches every time.
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Aww, thanks for the reblog and the sweet compliment.
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I think the invisible box has ended up with the right kind of people… they might fill it with all kind of bad things like fancied flukes or covert booty.
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Shelley plans to fill it up with Do-Not-Remove tags that she steals from people’s mattresses and furniture. She’s a bad one–this mime.
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Good? Bad? It all depends on your frame of mime. 😀
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This was great. It actually took me a moment, which made it even better.
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Working with snippets is a little harder than writing a stand-alone flash. You always wonder if the message comes through. Glad you figured it out.
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🙂 Great how you keep moving that box along. I could see Shelley struggling with those box to keep hold. Hope her ankle recovers soon.
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We’re still pretty early in the story. It wasn’t a bad sprain. She’ll be back to burglarizing houses in no time.
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Am I the only one who feels sorry for the ‘damned mime’ who twisted her ankle? It must be quite the valuable invisible box if she’s risking life and limb for it!
Have you always been SO funny? 😀
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No, I doubt you’re the only one who feels sorry for the mime. The invisible box is quite rare and valuable–especially to it’s rightful owner (it’s been handed down for generations).
No, I haven’t always been funny. But I’m always happy to see people smile.
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Enjoyable as ever Russell. With that twisted ankle I presume she’ll be off mime sports for a few weeks.
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That title “Criminal Mimes” gets me every time. Glad to hear your little mime will get a chance to cause more trouble in the future.
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