Russell Gayer, author speaker
Remember when people used to send their child’s baby shoes off to have them bronzed? Several of my mother’s friends memorialized their baby’s infancy in this manner. These were usually displayed in a prominent location, so that guests couldn’t help but see them.
I remember wondering why my mother never had a pair of mine bronzed. Did it cost too much? Was she embarrassed by my footwear? There are still several companies that can provide this service. They will even bronze your brassiere, if you’re so inclined. Check it out.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the emcee of our program, known for her purple footwear fetish, is Sneaker LeBeau Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Sir, you have a long-distance call from the U.K. Will you accept the charges?” The international operator’s voice was monotone and robotic.
“Sure.” Probably J.K. Rowling asking for writing advice—again.
“Hi, Russell. This is Harry. I was wondering if you’d do me a favor.”
The only Harry I knew of in England was Harry Nilsson, and he was dead.
“Meghan’s father is unable to attend,” said Harry, “and we were hoping you’d fill in for him at the wedding.”
“I guess so. What shall I wear?”
“Whatever’s comfortable. The men are wearing boots.”
“Well, I do have one pair.”
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This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
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That looks suspiciously like a shoe Bozo the Clown would wear, Russell. Congratulations for being asked to be in the Royal Wedding. Your fame must be spreading. 😀 — Suzanne
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Harry must have read some of my blogs that were re-posted on your site. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Again, you get two stories for the price of one (actually, lucky you, they’re FREE). If you want to read more of this hilarious material, go to the top of the blog and click on BOOKS.
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You’re too kind. See you at the royal wedding. 🙂
(I’ll be the one in the duct-taped boots)
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By all means. I’m going to have to buy a big hat. 😀 — Suzanne
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Dear Nilsson Schmilsson,
You’re the perfect shoe-in to walk Meghan down the aisle. Without her dad they’ll be lacking comic relief.
I’d have my Chucks bronzed but that would destroy the lovely purple hue. I did check out the bronzing site. OMG. It fires the imagination.
A Royal Shalom,
Sneaker LeBeau W(T)F
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Dear Sneaker LeBeau,
I noticed they offer a variety of finishes, but purple was not among the options. Let’s sing the “Coconut Song” when you get to Branson.
Nilsson Schmilsson
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Roll a bowl a bowl a penny a pitch. I’ll be expecting. Meanwhile trying to get my presentation together. Maybe i need purple red-ball flyers instead of Chucks.
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I am sadly disappointed in the company you keep, Russell, I thought that’s why you guys were so revolting a couple of centuries ago, so you didn’t have to mix with these sorts.
I say Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I say Doctor, to relieve this belly ache…
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Harry is nothing like George III, and I kinda liked the Beatles. I’m glad they weren’t sore losers.
Put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning (our time, not yours).
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Not JUST boots, surely? That would make for a stunning set of wedding photographs … You are mixing in exalted circles these days. Enjoy your day and don’t eat too much cake 🙂
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Won’t the paparazzi have a field day with that! Unfortunately, I’ll have to miss the festivies on Saturday because I’m hanging out with Sneaker LaBeau at a writers conference in Branson. She’s doing a presentation on “The Passionate Joys of Purple.” I can’t afford to miss that.
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Ha! Sounds like a nicer option than hanging out with Meghan and Harry. Enjoy all that purple 🙂
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My shoes were bronzed and my brother’s shoes are pewter. It was a strange thing to do… I liked your story! 🙂
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I had an offered for cement shoes, but they didn’t match my outfit and made it hard to swim, so I paid off my debt instead.
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There are certainly some similarities between yourself and Meghan’s father, including choice of footwear. Will look out for you on Saturday 🙂
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Yes, but I’m definitely better looking.
I’ll be the one scratching my crotch and spitting like a baseball player.
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That would at least liven up events and provide some entertainment.
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Only one? Not bronzed yet, I presume. I assume if they can bronze a bra they can do grown up shoes.
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They bronze cowboy hats, so I suppose anything is possible.
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Brilliantly, uniquely funny story! Absolutely loved it.
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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Thank you, Susan. Glad you enjoyed it.
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OMG. J.K. Rowling calls you too? She calls me all the time. It’s so embarrassing. My parents didn’t bronze my shoes either. I think they didn’t want to explain why there were three baby shoes. 😉
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I’m sorry she’s become such a pest. I’ll have to take part of the blame for that. J.K. keeps asking technical questions about how to set up a good story and I always say, “I don’t know. Call Eric.”
I had never thought about the 3rd shoe. I bet my mom was embarassed about it too.
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Cheerio, keep calm and say Hi to Liz.
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I recommended they contact you about recipes for the reception.
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Tacos at the Royal place? Love it.
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A bronzed bra? Not very comfortable. And that shoe doesn’t look very comfy either. What an odd shape.
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I suppose bronzed items make great conversation pieces. I wonder if they did a bra for Dolly Parton?
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Oy.
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I am glad JKR took my advice to call you instead of pestering me all the time. Have fun at the wedding, if the shoe fits why not? Just avoid the paparazzi they can be a bit of a bother.
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I guess this stuff just rolls downhill. You sent J.K. to me, and I passed her off on Eric. Next she’ll be calling Sandra or C.E.
The shoe definitely fits.
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Great humour again, Russell. If you’re over for the wedding could you smuggle a doggie bag out of the reception for me? I’ve always wondered what swan and peacock would taste like.
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Everything tastes like chicken, Michael. I’m suprised McDonalds isn’t serving swan and peacock McNuggets to celebrate the occassion.
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You should wear a motley suit while you are at it. Good fun, Russell. Loved the quip about JK Rowling 😀
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Thanks, Varad. I’ll ask her to add you to her call list.
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Great one! Laughing…
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Just trying to add a little spice . . .
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I’ll be sitting very close to my tv screen Saturday – I just have to see those boots!
My FriFic tale is called Jim and Jan!
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You’ll be wanting a pair just like them too, Keith.
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Ha, I’m sure you’ll fit right in 🙂
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I rarely “fit in” Ali, but someone needs to provide some comic relief. These people take themselves way too seriously.
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Teehee! Nice of you to take the mick out of our right royal nuptials! We daren’t – it would be lese majesty or something.
I offered my services as organist but they didn’t fancy my programme (“Roll out the barrel” to process in, and “You’ll never walk alone” to go out.)
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Do you play accordion too, Penny? Some polka music would liven up the festivities.
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That’s a delicious thought, Russell, but I’m afraid I don’t play accordion!
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So funny and topical. Love it!
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Thanks, Lisa. I trust you have your dress (and matching accessories) picked out for the wedding?
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Ha,ha. 🙂
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I do believe those boots will be a big hit. I heard on NPR this morning that Harry won’t be too particular about the clothes the men wear.
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Lets hope someone doesn’t have a wardrobe malfunction.
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I had to laugh, I am told my invitation is the in the post. Don’t they have e-mail in the Palace?
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I thought all knights were automatically on the list. Just show up in full armor. They’ll have to let you in.
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As usual, I don’t what what I prefer, the intro or the story. In this case, both were “da bomb”! Love it…
I’m going to the movies tonight with a girlfriend who insisted on going to the early show because she wants to get up early to watch the wedding…
Whatever floats your boat, I say. And good on you for being the chosen replacement father…
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Our Royal Blog Highness told me last night that she usually prefers the intro to my actual story. I don’t have a problem with that. You get you laughs where you can find them, right?
I’m continually mystified as to why people on this side of the pond even CARE about the royal family. I don’t need to know when they drop their fork or have a bowel movement–I have a life of my own and plenty to occupy my time without being obsessed with them.
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Ah well… it is that good 😉
I dunno why. But those who do, are positively obsessed.
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Timely and silly! lol Thanks for that.
My parents bronzed my shoes but not my sisters or brothers.
The perfect line to that would be that Mom always did like me best but that simply wasn’t true.
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Perhaps she like your shoes better. Penny loafers, weren’t they?
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Being born in the middle 1940’s I suspect it was a price issue for my parents. Cute take on the prompt!
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My parents were practical people. If you couldn’t wear it, work with it, or eat it, you didn’t need it. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
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Ha.. love everything about this … but the boots are better than bronze brasseries for a Windsor wedding.
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I think those bras offer a lot of support. Maybe Madonna should try one.
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Ha Ha Russell! Great story – how WAS the wedding?
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Booorrriiinnnggg. But I’m more a fan of receptions anyway.
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A right royal laugh from coronet to boot, Russell.
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Thanks, Jilly.
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Congratulations on your royal appointment. I hope you enjoyed yourself 🙂
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I always enjoy myself. It’s all about the attitude.
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J.K. Rowling can certainly afford to pay her own long distance charges. And why doesn’t she just skype you?
Hahaha – Harry must’ve run out of candidates from that … um … age bracket. 😜
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She’s a real tightwad. Even when I give her advice, she rarely takes it. That’s why I had her call Eric.
Ah, yes, I guess I am in the appropriate age bracket to be Meghan’s substitute dad. However, I’m much better looking and more modest too.
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And to think — those duct-taped boots are in style in Arkansas.
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Indeed they are, Mike. A status symbol–for those who can afford duct tape.
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Perhaps it is a good thing you didn’t have your baby shoes bronzed. I can’t imagine where you’d display those things. They look like they’d take up a tad more room than the average bronzed baby shoe.
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Yes, there are quite large. It woould have taken a lot of bronze to cover those babies.
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I don’t know what got into me, but I watched the wedding and I think I saw you. Weren’t you the one who stood on Elton John’s foot and caused that 😦 face? Wouldn’t surprise me with these boots.
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Yeah, that was me. Elton didn’t take too kindly to it.
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