Floaters

Posted on May 30, 2018 by

87 Comments

How many of you have at least one friend who is a real cheapskate? (Or maybe it’s your friend who knows someone like that 🙂 ) I have a buddy who’s so tight he squeaks when he walks. When we go to lunch, it’s takes half-a-can of rust remover just to get his wallet open.

This guy loves to go to garage sales—and he’s a real negotiator. If the price is a dollar, he’ll offer twenty-five cents. If the item is fifty cents, he tells the owner, “Pay me a dollar, I’ll gladly to take that thing off your hands.”

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the word-count tightwad who runs this show is Jacqueline Benny Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

 

photo courtesy of Connie Gayer

 

I was leaning on the handle of my hillbilly backhoe when the Purple Pygmy and the Watusi Canuck came waltzing across the pasture.

I hopped in the hole and pretended to dig.

“Nice pond,” said the Canuck. “Mind if we take a dip, eh?”

“No freebies. It’s gonna cost ya.”

“How about a rare work of art?” The pygmy flashed a crayon drawing of baby venison on the hoof.

“What else ya got?”

“I could do your portrait?”

“Okay, you got thirty minutes—but no diving!”

Little did they know I was just cleaning the pit under the outhouse.

Category: humorTags: , , , , , ,

87 Comments on “Floaters”

    • I was trying create a visual comparison of the height difference between you two. If you were standing side by side, and I took a photo of your face, we’d barely see the top of her head. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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  3. Dear Backhoe Bob,

    Everyone’s an art critic, eh? I used my best purple crayon to draw Winky. When have you ever seen such a magnificent rendering of the dear baby deer? After all I did graduate from
    WWBB Art Academy, Sumtime Cum Louder. And that’s all I got ta say on the matter. Gonna swim my laps now before the purple rain creates a purple haze.

    Shalom,

    Jacqueline Benny W(T)F

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Dear Jacqueline Benny W(T)F,

      How much do you charge the YMCA to swim in their pool? Do they pay you with sets of colored pencils?
      I think all you really learned at Walla Walla Bing Bang Art Institute was how to draw wine glasses. You must have used live models. I picked up on how the glass starts out full, and in each ensuing painting it gets emptier and emptier–and the image more fuzzy. Coincidence? I think not.

      Bottoms up,
      Backhoe Bob

      Liked by 3 people

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      • Ya know what? You are so right on the wine glass situation…
        Rochelle and I need our glass of whine when we discuss using friends as subjects…

        Liked by 1 person

      • You see, I really am dedicated to my art. I owe it to my fans to provide a certain level of authenticity. I prefer authentic Sauvignon Blanc or authentic Chardonnay. For Skype sessions with Dale I sometimes mix the two for better gossip. 😉

        L’chaim-hic!

        Jacqueline Benny W(T)F

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Aye no’ bad, wee man, it’s time somebody dropped that pair right in the keech.
    A few folk would pay good money to see that, I’m sure.
    Would you accept a wee bawbee as an entrance fee?

    Liked by 2 people

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  7. Delightful exchange of creative ideas here. “Hillbilly backhoe” was precious. 😂we call it “the business end of a shovel” a foreign concept these days. Something tells me health inspectors are going to bury you three in red tape when they check the water quality.

    By the way, I’ve never seen a Watusi Canuck — but you never know what one might encounter in la Belle Province. 😉

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  9. Ha, ha, poor you Russell and your wife got a photo of it. Did she or you send it in? What a memorable moment. If it’s for an outhouse it’ll have to be wider and deeper. Right next to your vegetable garden will at least make the soil richer.

    If you readers want more of this zaniness you can go to the top of Russell’s blog and click on Books. If enough of you buy his books he can even afford an inside toilet. 😀 — Suzanne

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  17. Oh, dear! Very funny, especially when added with all the comments.
    Coincidentally, we’re having a garage sale, and you captured exactly why I hate those things.

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    • Connie and another gal are having a big one tomorrow and Saturday. The weather’s supposed to be very hot. I’m sure there’ll be a lot of haggling going on.

      Liked by 1 person

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  21. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see the outcome of this scene. Or, at least a fly on your backhoe. 🙂 Love this, as always, Russell!

    Liked by 2 people

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  24. Oh dear, there are friends and friends. I imagine these three are permanently trying to out do each other. Great unpleasant ending.

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  25. Fun – Funny and Funnier … I’m off to the cheek surgeon to have my skin put back in place. i don’t think a permanent smile plastered on my face would look appropriate at a funeral. I’ve laughed until my stomach hurt.
    The 3 Amigos go rogue on FF … When is the book ‘The 2 Amigos and Invisible Box Mystery’ being published.
    OK … I’m done. I can’t get a serious comment going so I’ll just say, “Thanks for the laughs.”
    Isadora 😎

    Liked by 3 people

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  30. After having read your story, I’m rather disgusted by the title. 😉
    Are you making fun of the way Canadians speak, eh? By the way, Canucks are in the West, not the East (where the lovely Dale lives). 🙂
    Were you really cleaning the pit under the outhouse? Ugh…

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    • I love Canadians, especially those who end every sentence with eh? I even love little Jewish artists who pick on me and love the color purple.

      That hole in the ground is actually where our water main comes to the house–but we do indeed have an outhouse–a two-seater at that.

      Liked by 1 person

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