Russell Gayer, author speaker
Is there someone in your house who doesn’t understand how a light switch works? These people have no trouble sliding the lever to the “On” position, but can’t seem to grasp the concept of flipping it to “Off” when they leave the room.
My Dad used to remark that our house was lit up like the Massey Hotel. To keep our electric meter from spinning like a pinwheel on methamphetamines, I threatened to doc our children’ allowances twenty-five cents each time I had to turn off a light behind them. By the end of the week, they always owed me money.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our frugal hostess who docs those exceeding the 100 word limit is Thomasina Edison Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Since retirement, Henry had worked hard to break into to the public speaking circuit. So far, the only gigs he’d landed were hawking free food samples at a neighborhood grocery.
Then fate intervened. One of the customers, impressed by his oratory skills, invited him to speak at a ribbon-cutting ceremony—at the museum, no less.
For three weeks, Henry honed his twenty-minute presentation and imagined the crowd hanging on every word.
“I’m the keynote for the ribbon-cutting,” he told the curator.
“Right this way.”
Inside, a five-year-old girl posed next to a pink, battery-operated toy car, scissors in hand.
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This is the blog of a woman who is seriously on the edge and I mean right ON the edge…no, not there… just a little bit further… further than that…no, further still…just a tiny bit more… just move slightly to the right a little…no, that’s too much…just move a tad to the left…that’s right, just there…now you’ve moved too far to the left… Damn, what part of the ‘on the edge’ do you not understand? Oh, and her matricidal boy genius, come devil spawn.
Or the three people I guilted into reading this blog, whatever.
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Dear Henry,
I hope you wore your finest red nose for the auspicious occasion. No doubt those ribbon cutting scissors had rounded tips to keep you from hurting yourself. As for the 20 minute speech…simple words, right?
My mother used to swear I left every light in the house on. But I think she exaggerated just a little. I couldn’t leave her bedroom light when she and Dad were sleeping. Fortunately they make those great LED energy saving bulbs now so the ceiling’s the limit.
Be sure to start on your next great oration. I’ll leave the light on for you.
Shalom,
Thomasina Edison W(T)F
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Dear Thomasina Edison W(T)F, or is it Thomasina Bodett?
For your information, I was wearing my white linen sports jacket, pink shirt, and a bow tie. The red nose was securely tucked in my pocket when I arrived, but I quickly slipped it on before I began the twenty minute infomercial promoting my latest book.
I suspected you might be a kilowatt killer. So what if they’re LEDs, you’re still generating light pollution. They can spot your house from the International Space Station, you know. The media is blaming it on Canadian intervention after you and the Canuck formed the KCC (Kansas City Chaos) last week. What’s next for you two? Tag team wrestling?
Polishing my next speech,
Henry
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Whoa now! Hang on there… Blaming it on Canadian intervention… why I ottah…..
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Will you get me a pink, battery-operated toy car, Russell?
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Sure, Perry. As long as you’ll let me be the keynote speaker at your next book launch.
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You’d be lonely.
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Take pictures of yourself in it, Perry. I wouldn’t want to miss that. 😀
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So… I now hear my parents’ voices in my head as I constantly repeat to the two man-children who live in this house to stop leaving the bloody house lit up like a Christmas tree! Jeezus Mareee and Joseph….I come home at 12:30 am from work and you’d think a party was going on… But no… they are in the BACKYARD while every bleeping light is on in the … OK… I’ll stop now.
Well, I’m sure you did a fine job. Doesn’t matter who the ribbon cutting is for now, does it?
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After all that writing, editing, and rehearsal, there was no way that I was backing down on that speech. Someday, it’ll be remembered right up there with the Gettysburg address.
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No doubt…
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How many red-nosed wannabes does it take to cut a ribbon?
And how many to talk about it?
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I don’t know for sure. Let me count noses and I’ll get back to you.
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Besides the inability to grasp the dual purpose of the light-switch, my husband has failed to notice that cupboard doors and drawers have a dual system of operation. I can tell where he’s been when I return to the house, and usually it’s my shins, head and hipbones that alert me to his trail. I hope Henry’s speech can be edited for the occasion.
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I feel your pain, Sandra. My husband doesn’t recognize the off part of the switch unless I happen to leave a light on. Despite bright sunlight flooding our kitchen he feels the need to have every light on…claims it’s dark. I wonder if I should be saving for a guide dog.
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Obviously you two are not “in the dark” when it comes to the light switch problem. Perhaps I should just wear sunglasses indoors and stop complaining.
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At least stop complaining, Russell, that is the prerogative of the ladies.
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You’re right. I’ll just smile and bob my head like Stevie Wonder.
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You always entertain me, Russell. Loved this – that last line really gave me a good chuckle. Thank you!
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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Thanks, Susan. I hope the ice cream didn’t melt before Henry finished his speech.
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I love the POV here and the ending was a surprise. Your stories are always made better imagining you narrating them. 🙂
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Indeed, Jan. Gotta love that voice of his. Shh. Don’t tell him I said something nice about him.
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Aww, that’s sweet, Jan. One lady I used to work with said I sound like Tom Bodett.
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When someone’s not paying the bills it’s easier to forget. That address makes working at Wallmart sound like a top executive post, Russell. Hilarious. 😀 — Suzanne
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You’re right about being the one who pays the bills. My son is so energy conscious now that he installed solar panels to lower his electricity costs.
I’m available if you know anyone who needs a keynote speaker before opening a box of cereal.
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I hope he opened with an age-appropriate joke and presented his whole speech regardless.
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I’m sure he did. Although the the little girl became quite impatient before he finally shut up.
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Hmm, an impatient little girl with scissors, what could possibly go wrong?
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Let’s hope she doesn’t castrate poor Henry.
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It’s just the beginning!
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Yes, I fear he’s off and running now.
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I would have loved to hear the keynote speech!
My parents always said they didn’t own stock in the electric company. Close the lights when you leave the room! 🙂
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You know, buying stock in energy companies is always a good idea. It’s sort of like owning shares in a toliet paper company–who DOESN’T use that stuff?
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Exactly! When they said that I would always say I would buy stock in toilet paper. 😀
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Very entertaining. Enjoyed it.
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Thanks, Lisa. Oh, BTW, would you mind turning that light off on your way out? Thanks.
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Poor Henry. But I’m sure he delivered his speech with elan. And I bet he trod hard down on that precocious upstarts pretty pink dancing pumps.
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A trooper like Henry won’t let the little upstart steal his thunder. This is his big moment, not hers.
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Was it worth digging yourself out of that hole for? Nice one Russell.
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I pretty much stay in a hole, Keith. But I prefer to think of it as a fox hole.
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A lovely piece, Russell, taking the mick out of the pretentious and self-important. (Moi? Pretentious?) 😉
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Life has a way of humbling us when start thinking we’re the center of the universe.
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Very cute Russell. I have missed your piquant sense of humor while I was away.
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It’s good to see you back. Glad you enjoyed my little tale.
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piece of cake. i’m sure he handled it like a pro. 🙂
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Me too. He’s a true professional.
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HA HA HA HA!! That’s great! Love the reference of the ongoing saga… red nose and all!! ❤
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Thanks, Courtney. I couldn’t help but throw that in.
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If he can hold the attention of 5-year-olds for 20 minutes he will be able to write his own ticket!
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Well, it worked for Trump.
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LOL
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I’m sure the girl listened intently, while maybe playing at Henry’s feet with the car. I imagine Henry is such that he will not let this small audience thwart his plans.
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I think she tied his shoe strings together while he was giving his presentation. 🙂
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That would make sense. 🙂
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I hope the child had a sense of humor 🙂
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Let’s hope she didn’t become impatient and start clipping something other than the ribbon.
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I think the child is actually going to be a perfect ribbon cutter for his speech…
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Let’s hope he sounds kind and gentle, like Mister Rogers.
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Yerevan!
I really feel for him.
I do have one son whoever the lights and room in disarray.
I’ve been threatening to kick him out.
His excuse: I can’t do all this when I am married!
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I love your son’s excuse. He’s right. It’s a different story when you’re the one paying the bills.
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A man intent on speaking in public, a small child and a pair of scissors – what could go wrong?
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Plenty. Let’s hope the scissors have round ends.
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Well, it’s a start! From small acorns and all that. Made me smile Russell
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Every great orator has to start somewhere.
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Ha! Yes indeed 🙂
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Hope he’s not wearing red, as that would clash horribly with the pink car and distract everyone’s attention from his fascinating speech. 😉
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Only his nose is red.
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I loved the story you’ve written, Russell, but the banter in the comments always gives me a good chuckle. No doubt someone was expecting a better gig. Se la vie …
Isadora 😎
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I love the comments too. Many times they are funnier than the story itself. 🙂
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AND … the light thing: my parents told us that people in other countries didn’t have lights. If we left them on they were going to send our lights to them. LOL
As a small child that sounded real. Now … not so much. 😂
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Aww, poor Henry, but we all must start somewhere. LOL. @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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My dad would say “it’s like Blackpool Illuminations in here” whenever the lights were left on.
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