Russell Gayer, author speaker
How many of you baby-talk to your pet? Let’s see a show of hands. No one can see you except for your spouse, who’s probably wondering why you’re holding your hand up in front of a computer screen.
There are several articles on the web that rationalize, or even justify this behavior—though none of them are written by pets. Why do we baby-talk at all? I realize its done with an attitude of affection, but the vocal tone sounds rather condescending when the last thing we want to do is hurt poor little snookum’s feelings.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, famous artist who baby-talks to paintings of empty wine glasses is Brooke Foster Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Gee, it’s great to be out of Gotham City, Batman, but what are we doing in Venice, Italy?
The Riddler has kidnapped the maker of Commissioner Gordon’s favorite canned pasta.
Holy Ravioli, Batman, surely you don’t mean Chef Boy-ar-dee?
Exactly, Robin. The man who revolutionized spaghetti rings, Ettore Boiardi, aka, Hector Boyardee is being held for ransom somewhere in this city.
How will we find him?
The Riddler left a clue; What do you call a run-down neighborhood in Italy?
That’s easy. A Spa-ghetto.
Precisely. To the Bat-Gondola, Robin.
* today’s offering is a take-off from the American TV series “Batman” which aired from 1966-68.
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Dear Bruce Waning,
Holy Rigatoni! What a story! Pour me another glash of kee…kee…yon…Wine. Sheersh. I’d have a re-tort-ellini for you but I can’t find my purple ballpoint penne. On with the show..hic…
Pasta Linguine,
Brooke Foster W(T)F
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Dear Brooke Foster W(T)F,
Here’s a riddle for you; What wine goes best with pasta? The answer–all of it! I’m glad you’re not one of those wine whisperers. At least you speak up, even though the words are slurred. Be sure and wear your purple life vest if you ride in the Bat-Gondola.
Happy floating,
Bruce Waning
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Look for an abandoned spaghetti factory.
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Better hurry. I think the Riddler is about to cram Batman in the meatball machine.
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Holy tomato sauce!
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Personally, I think the Italians should rise up and burn Ettore Boiardi, aka, Hector Boyardee at the stake (or should that read steak) for murdering pasta by putting it in a tin. What sacrilege!
Loved the A Spa-ghetto.
Best wishes,
Rowena
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Ironically, Mr. Boiardi was awarded a Gold Star order of excellence from the United States War Department for ramping up production to feed the troops canned pasta in WWII. It’s also been highly popular with American housewifes who didn’t know how to boil water. Unfortunately, we live in a world where convenience often wins out over flavor when it comes to food.
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Funny story. Talking baby talk to pets, btw, is one of the best bits of having pets.
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Thanks for holding your hand up, Jilly. (You can put it down now). My wife baby-talks to Buster (our dog) and he’s almost fifteen. He’ll always be her baby. 🙂
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And dogs never talk back, so how do you know what they’re thinking? Woof, arf, bark.
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Now she’s try to make him say, “Mama.”
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I have no idea how your mind got from the photo to a Batman-inspired pun-adventure, but I enjoyed it immensely! Re. Baby Talk, I never did it with my kids, I just spoke to them as I normally would talk to a person, which also meant I avoided looking like a complete fool. Mother-in-law is very bad for the baby talk, I’m wondering when she will stop doing it, the twins are 4 now and look at her strangely when she starts baby-talking to them…
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I have no idea how my mind got there either. I started thinking about Italian food and things went downhill from there.
I don’t believe pets or children need baby talk. Both can process regular language, but I’m not throwing any stones–just opening a can of worms for discussion.
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I’m not a baby talk kind of gal. Not even to my kids. They tell me this is a good thing.
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I would agree.
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I never spoke baby talk to my kids. My pets are another story…and then there’s my husband. I just have to speak loudly and slowly. Particularly when the hearing aids are out. 😉
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I like it when people people loud and slow. It really helps with the word recognition.
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Ho, that was a good one, Russell! Lovely parody of the caped crusader and Boy Blunder. Grinning out loud here!
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Thank you, Penny. It was fun to write and I learned a lot about Mr. Boiardi in my research.
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I don’t have any pets but I’m definitely guilty as charged for baby-talk to other people’s pets.
Hilarious Batman episode! Favoloso! 😀
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What about fish? Does a mermaid baby-talk them?
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But, of course! 🙂
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I must admit, I groaned out loud at Spa-ghetto. Fun take, as usual.
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There you go, Lish. Let it all out. Groans are a good way to purge the system. 🙂
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I hope they find Chef Boy R Dee as i believe i own stock in him. Hard to pass an instant meal by when its ten for $10. Still working on my boiling water skills…
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Ha! Great comment. I wish I owned stock in them.
It’s hard to tell when boiling water is done. I don’t want to under-cook it, but I don’t like it burnt either.
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Great story, Russell! You really captured the charm of Batman and Robin. I’m always happy when I get the chance to stop by your site for a visit. I always leave with a smile.
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I’ll give you thirty minutes to stop saying stuff like that, Mandie. 🙂
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Haha Fantastic! That should allow me plenty of time to squeak in a few more compliments. Keep up the great work!
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Haha! You really used your noodle for this one. That Riddler can be a real penne in the butt eh? Loved it, Russell! 🙂
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Thanks, Eric. I love parodies. It’s a good thing I didn’t have more than 100 words. No telling where this story would have landed.
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OK … so now I have that silly image of Batman & Robin in those G-d awful tights.
NIGHTMARE ALERT – should be at the top of this story. BUT … I have to admit it was hilarious to read, Russell. You always do funny so well. There’s still time to take this act on the road. ~~~ : )
Isadora 😎
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I thought you liked masked men in spandex, Isadora? They would be happy to save you if you were in distress.
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LOL …. masked men are too secretive for me.
Spandex … well, I have to admit when I was dancing and took many, many classes there were men in spandex. I use the word men loosely. LOL It’s a good thing I liked the tv show. 😄
Have a super weekend … Cheers 🍷
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Russell, if they ever reboot the Adam West-style Batman show again, send this in as a spec script. You’d be hired as head writer. 🙂
-David
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Thank you, David. I appreciate your vote of confidence. I would love to write for a TV show. Green Acres is probably my all-time favorite.
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My wife loves that. She sings the theme song at any provocation.
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Cannot stand baby talk – not to babies, nor to pets… Then the wonder why their kid ain’t talking right by age 5…. sheesh…
As to that whole spaghetti thing… holy maccaroni!
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Maybe next time Batman & Robin will come to Montreal. Are you planning on being kidnapped any time soon? Or, shall I make you the villian in that episode?
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Hmmm… I could arrange it 😉
Or you can do that, too…
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Cannuck Woman and her henchmen, The Eh? Crew.
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Tinned pasta, good grief! That will stay with me. And as for baby talk – nuff said, or I’ll set my sweetie peetie pie on you. She’s had people like you for bwekfust.
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Ha, loved the spelling there. That’s the first time I’ve experience baby-talk in print. You do it extremely well, Sandra. 🙂
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Spa-ghetto… Ha ha ha ha ha, you penne the funniest names Russell.
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Thanks. Glad it gave you a chuckle.
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Hope he doesn’t land awkwardly in a spa-ghetto or he’ll become Splatman! Oh dear, that was an awful comment – I do apologise!
Click to read my FriFic tale
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You are forgiven, Keith.
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I haven’t eaten Chef Boyardee for ages, Russell. I wonder if they still put loads of sweetener in it. Of course, that’s no doubt why kids loved it. Of course, the Riddler always seemed like a kid at heart to me anyway. He probably wants his own private supply. 😀 — Suzanne
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They had some very likable villians in that old TV show. It was hard to stay mad at them. I especially liked The Penguin. Those must have been some fun scripts to write.
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Batman’s certainly changed a “lot” since then, hasn’t he? 😀 — Suzanne
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Yes, it’s gotten far too serious. American TV is filled with superheo shows these day–and they’re all drama. Of course the alternative, Reality TV, is even worse.
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Snorting coffee outa my nose at this one! Laughing to hard to type… and to think..that’s just what I packed my Hubby for lunch.. Ravioli…wait til he reads this one! 🙂 Oh, man, what a cracker!
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Ha! How ironic.
Let’s hope they rescue Chef Boyardee before your husband runs out of Ravioli.
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Well, you and Rochelle certainly had a good time with your puns and word plays this week–but then you always do. I don’t know what’s more entertaining–the fun story or the hilarious comments 🙂
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We do have fun. She’s such a good sport. I think the back-and-forth banter has been the reason both of us have stayed in FFF for so many years.
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We all appreciate your stick-to-it-iveness 🙂
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Haha! Spa-ghetto? Holy cow, Batman! Love the idea of a Bat gondola, but the fast getaways will be a struggle. 🙂
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A very unique & funny take on the prompt Russell.
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Thank you, Lisa. I honestly don’t know how I wrenched a Batman story from this photo prompt, but I had fun with it and that’s what FFF is all about.
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I watched a few of the older Batman episodes when I was younger so I found it really brilliant to see how you incorporated it so well into the prompt.
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Hilarious Russell 😀 Yours must be the only story after which I read all the comments just to read your repartee 😀
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What a sweet thing to say. I’ve had readers tell me that the comments were even funnier than the story. I’m okay with that. The interaction is what builds friendships and that makes blogging fun.
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Very true 😊
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when i was in venice, i always got lost. but they’re superheroes. i’m confident they’ll have better luck navigating through the maze its narrow streets. i look forward to the evening news reporting that the kidnap victim had been found.
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Me too. Free Chef Boyardee!
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You got these voices down so well. i can see them running through the spa-ghetto into the bat-gondola as I smile 🙂
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Glad you got the visual. It would make for a fun espisode.
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Fun Batman and Robin, as good as the original. You can hear Adam West spouting these lines
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Thanks, Michael. Glad it worked for you.
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lol Excellent!
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Thanks, Sascha.
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This one was really a fun and great read and the comment section the icing – thanks! 😀
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I love the comments too, Dahlia. That’s what makes blogging fun.
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I always enjoy your posts, Russell. Love your miss-mash of words, holy ravioli and not forgetting Spa-ghetto. I wonder do they not want Boiardi (thanks for the help with pronunciation) back simply for his own safety? Must make some awesome pasta.
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Nah, his pasta isn’t that good. But what can you expect from canned ravioli.
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Too funny! BTW, I hate baby talk! @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles
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